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Mother won't leave me alone
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A little background :
I'm almost 29 years of age, the eldest of 3, I have a 6 (nearly 7) year old daughter, live with my (now ex - but thats part and parcel of this problem) partner and have been since October 2000 (blimey thats over 7 years!).
Right, now for the problem. For as long as I can remember my mother has controlled my life, fair enough having a say until I moved out of the family home, but I mean she tries to control EVERYTHING about my life.
I started going out with my ex-partner in 1999 and against my mother wishes (but with the blessing of the rest of the family) I travelled from where I live in Liverpool to London to meet him. It was the first time I'd been anywhere on my own. We got on fantastically and I even travelled back to Cumbria with him to where he was moving back to live with his family. That was the June (we'd been "dating" of sorts since the start of May, via the internet, phone and letters), we were so serious about each other I started applying for jobs and housing in his home town and that Christmas Day he proposed
Everything was great, even though we were both living at our parents place, and took it in turns to travel between the two we saw each other at least once a month (always for at least a long weekend) and spoke on the phone to each other every night for a least an hour as well as writing letters.
In July 2000 (just as I was offered a job & a flat) I found out I was pregnant - this was COMPLETELY UNPLANNED but we both agreed that we would keep the baby and move in together in a rental house to bring him/her up and then once we were sorted with jobs, and the child was in school we would get a place of our own and then get married. Then the problems with my mum really started. She insisted on attending EVERY appointment, she kept buying things we didn't need/want/like for the baby or us. We found a house to rent here in Liverpool as it made sense at the time as all of his family worked so I wouldn't have the support network I thought I would need around me, plus his family had room for people to stay where as mine didn't. We moved intogether in the October and I will admit that it was tough as we were on benefits but we managed, but my mother kept butting in where she wasn't welcome. She would just turn up on the door step when our daughter was a baby with gifts and was never off the phone. She would ring to say "If I was you I'd get your washing out on the line as it's a lovely day" and then carry on a conversation about absolutely nothing in particular, just gossip she'd heard.
I have seen the "damage" my mothers behaviour has caused to her marriage (my father is a work-a-holic just so he can try and get away from her), and my two sibblings - her controlling behaviour contributed greatly to my sister (who's 7 years younger) moving out of home as soon as she was able to into a house she couldn't really afford etc as she wanted to get away from my parents (and now she's pregnant!). My brother (who is another 7 years more or less younger) is spoilt rotten, and can't stick up for himself at all. She never goes out unless it's to the shops, going anywhere that isn't the local shops is a no-no and even going into town (which is less that 3 miles away, on 3 different bus routes all within 5 minutes walk of her house not to mention also on a train route!) is a rareity, she has no real friends and lives on the internet or infront of the TV. I saw this and was determind not to turn out like my mother.
For the past 7 years since I moved out she has phoned me at least once a day, sometimes she rings me 6 or 7 times. Whenever we go to visit the "IL's" I have to ring her to let her know we're setting off, then ring her again when we get there to let her know we've arrived, then the same again on the way home. If I don't she starts ringing me over and over until I answer the phone so she knows "we're okay". She is still ringing to tell me to put my washing out, and moan about my family which is increasing due to my sister being pregant and my brother in his GCSE year at school. Oh, and the phone calls are not just 5 minutes long, they can be over an hour sometimes! A couple of years back my uncle bought her a mobile phone and the calls have increased even more. :mad: Now she rings me to complain on her way to the shops, while she's in the shops to tell me about offers or bargains she's seen, then again on the way home to complain some more.
About 4 years back I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore so I stopped answering the phone. If she rang, we have called ID, then I just left it ringing. Then she would ring my mobile. Leave it to ring. Then she would ring the house again. After 2 days my dad rang from his mobile to ask me what was up - my mother was blazing and taking it out on everyone :mad: I explained to him that I was sick of speaking to her, I couldn't get any jobs done as she was never off the phone, and she was constantly telling me how to bring up my daughter and look after the house even though I knew what I was doing and if I needed help I would call her, plus all the "gifts" she kept buying which weren't wanted. He spoke to her and it was okay for about a week but then she started again.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago, my mother discovers forums & the internet. Now I've been using the internet and forums for about 5 years but now even that escape is no longer available to me - my mother now reads forums (which I had tried to not let her know about, but my sister joined while using my parents computer and my mum saw that I was also a member) and has taken to phoning me to see how I'm getting on with my jobs list or if I post that I was up in the night with my daughter, my mum rings to see if everything is alright (even if I've explained that everything is fine on the forum) but will be on the phone for at least 30 minutes! If I post something, then she also rings my sister to tell my sister what I'm up to! My sister is fed up with it, I'm sick of it as my sister works part-time (sometimes full time) and when she's at work my mum rings me even more!
Whats this got to do with my now ex-partner? My mother takes up so much of my day and pisses me off so much, that when he comes in from work I'm usually in a foul mood. Also, I'm the sort of person who takes on other peoples mannerisms, accents etc without realising it - so all the bad habits of my mothers that I'm trying to avoid I'm picking up as I can't get away from her! It got to the point where my ex said it was like living with my mother, because everything she phoned me about I would tell him even if it was the abridged version such as "My mum phoned today 3 times, basically dads being a pain apparently, brother is being bullied and sister has had a row with her boyfriend/boss and she's bought X Y Z for daughter / me / sister" etc. In other words I could get what would take my mother about 2 hours to tell me, down to about 5 sentences!
I realised about 18 months-2.5years ago that I was becoming more and more like her (I think it was when our landlady said she saw my mum cleaning our livingroom window when it was actually me :eek: ) so I started making changes. My mother is a hoarder - when I moved out (aged 21) she still had a get well soon card that I got from my class when I went into hospital when I was 5 - and she gave me loads of stuff most of which I've gotten rid of. So I am determind not to have a house full of clutter. When our daughter started nursery part-time I started clearing all the baby stuff (cot, pram, changing unit etc) out by selling it. I got rid of EVERYTHING we didn't need, want or love. Due to the amount of stuff and daughter only being part-time at nursery and then her taking ill for a few months, it took me a good 12 months to clear out and decorate throughout the house. The following school year I started making friends with some of the mums at the school, and I took on a position of Parent governor and webmistress. So I was trying to get away from being like my mum, I was trying to loose weight (something my mum has been doing as long as I can remember) and I was getting a life outside of the house. But still I was "acting like my mother". (She said "I thought it was just work pressure that was making you have problems" :mad::mad: )
Fast forward again to this year - my house is sorted, I have a couple of friends who I go and see rather than get stuck in the house all day, yet still my mother is never off the phone. I'm finding it hard to shake some of the habits I've learnt from her as I can't get rid of her! It's so bad that even my daughter now goes "I bet thats nanna again - she's a real pain in the bottom!" whenever the phone rings
My partner has dumped me because I was so old and unbearable to live with - all down to the habits I've picked up from my mother.
So after that long, rambling explanation of the situation I'm looking for your advice of how to tell my mother to basiclly piss off and let me live my life without making everybody elses life hell! I've tried the grunts, yeah, uh-huh and completely dis-interested phonecalls when she rings me, I've tried cutting them short ( even by making my mobile play its ring tone and going "oh there's my mobile I've got to go"!), I've tried not answering them (which results in the calls going home, mobile, home, mobile, voicemail on home phone, voicemail on mobile, text message all in the space of 5 minutes!) but nothing is getting through! Everyone, including my dad, has tried speaking to her about it but she just doesn't get the fact that she's driving us mad! We've even tried suggesting she goes back to school to learn computer skills, or gets a little part-time job for something to do and so she can meet people - her answer was no.
Can anyone give me anymore suggestions as to what we can try to get through to her and resort some sort of peace to our lives? Whats really ironic is that she phoned the other day to complain to me about her £200 phonebill and the fact she has to top my brother mobile up at least twice a week (she uses it while he's at school as the battery is playing up on hers) and was on the phone to my mobile from her homephone for over 20 minutes :rolleyes: HELP!
I'm almost 29 years of age, the eldest of 3, I have a 6 (nearly 7) year old daughter, live with my (now ex - but thats part and parcel of this problem) partner and have been since October 2000 (blimey thats over 7 years!).
Right, now for the problem. For as long as I can remember my mother has controlled my life, fair enough having a say until I moved out of the family home, but I mean she tries to control EVERYTHING about my life.
I started going out with my ex-partner in 1999 and against my mother wishes (but with the blessing of the rest of the family) I travelled from where I live in Liverpool to London to meet him. It was the first time I'd been anywhere on my own. We got on fantastically and I even travelled back to Cumbria with him to where he was moving back to live with his family. That was the June (we'd been "dating" of sorts since the start of May, via the internet, phone and letters), we were so serious about each other I started applying for jobs and housing in his home town and that Christmas Day he proposed
Everything was great, even though we were both living at our parents place, and took it in turns to travel between the two we saw each other at least once a month (always for at least a long weekend) and spoke on the phone to each other every night for a least an hour as well as writing letters.In July 2000 (just as I was offered a job & a flat) I found out I was pregnant - this was COMPLETELY UNPLANNED but we both agreed that we would keep the baby and move in together in a rental house to bring him/her up and then once we were sorted with jobs, and the child was in school we would get a place of our own and then get married. Then the problems with my mum really started. She insisted on attending EVERY appointment, she kept buying things we didn't need/want/like for the baby or us. We found a house to rent here in Liverpool as it made sense at the time as all of his family worked so I wouldn't have the support network I thought I would need around me, plus his family had room for people to stay where as mine didn't. We moved intogether in the October and I will admit that it was tough as we were on benefits but we managed, but my mother kept butting in where she wasn't welcome. She would just turn up on the door step when our daughter was a baby with gifts and was never off the phone. She would ring to say "If I was you I'd get your washing out on the line as it's a lovely day" and then carry on a conversation about absolutely nothing in particular, just gossip she'd heard.
I have seen the "damage" my mothers behaviour has caused to her marriage (my father is a work-a-holic just so he can try and get away from her), and my two sibblings - her controlling behaviour contributed greatly to my sister (who's 7 years younger) moving out of home as soon as she was able to into a house she couldn't really afford etc as she wanted to get away from my parents (and now she's pregnant!). My brother (who is another 7 years more or less younger) is spoilt rotten, and can't stick up for himself at all. She never goes out unless it's to the shops, going anywhere that isn't the local shops is a no-no and even going into town (which is less that 3 miles away, on 3 different bus routes all within 5 minutes walk of her house not to mention also on a train route!) is a rareity, she has no real friends and lives on the internet or infront of the TV. I saw this and was determind not to turn out like my mother.
For the past 7 years since I moved out she has phoned me at least once a day, sometimes she rings me 6 or 7 times. Whenever we go to visit the "IL's" I have to ring her to let her know we're setting off, then ring her again when we get there to let her know we've arrived, then the same again on the way home. If I don't she starts ringing me over and over until I answer the phone so she knows "we're okay". She is still ringing to tell me to put my washing out, and moan about my family which is increasing due to my sister being pregant and my brother in his GCSE year at school. Oh, and the phone calls are not just 5 minutes long, they can be over an hour sometimes! A couple of years back my uncle bought her a mobile phone and the calls have increased even more. :mad: Now she rings me to complain on her way to the shops, while she's in the shops to tell me about offers or bargains she's seen, then again on the way home to complain some more.
About 4 years back I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore so I stopped answering the phone. If she rang, we have called ID, then I just left it ringing. Then she would ring my mobile. Leave it to ring. Then she would ring the house again. After 2 days my dad rang from his mobile to ask me what was up - my mother was blazing and taking it out on everyone :mad: I explained to him that I was sick of speaking to her, I couldn't get any jobs done as she was never off the phone, and she was constantly telling me how to bring up my daughter and look after the house even though I knew what I was doing and if I needed help I would call her, plus all the "gifts" she kept buying which weren't wanted. He spoke to her and it was okay for about a week but then she started again.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago, my mother discovers forums & the internet. Now I've been using the internet and forums for about 5 years but now even that escape is no longer available to me - my mother now reads forums (which I had tried to not let her know about, but my sister joined while using my parents computer and my mum saw that I was also a member) and has taken to phoning me to see how I'm getting on with my jobs list or if I post that I was up in the night with my daughter, my mum rings to see if everything is alright (even if I've explained that everything is fine on the forum) but will be on the phone for at least 30 minutes! If I post something, then she also rings my sister to tell my sister what I'm up to! My sister is fed up with it, I'm sick of it as my sister works part-time (sometimes full time) and when she's at work my mum rings me even more!
Whats this got to do with my now ex-partner? My mother takes up so much of my day and pisses me off so much, that when he comes in from work I'm usually in a foul mood. Also, I'm the sort of person who takes on other peoples mannerisms, accents etc without realising it - so all the bad habits of my mothers that I'm trying to avoid I'm picking up as I can't get away from her! It got to the point where my ex said it was like living with my mother, because everything she phoned me about I would tell him even if it was the abridged version such as "My mum phoned today 3 times, basically dads being a pain apparently, brother is being bullied and sister has had a row with her boyfriend/boss and she's bought X Y Z for daughter / me / sister" etc. In other words I could get what would take my mother about 2 hours to tell me, down to about 5 sentences!
I realised about 18 months-2.5years ago that I was becoming more and more like her (I think it was when our landlady said she saw my mum cleaning our livingroom window when it was actually me :eek: ) so I started making changes. My mother is a hoarder - when I moved out (aged 21) she still had a get well soon card that I got from my class when I went into hospital when I was 5 - and she gave me loads of stuff most of which I've gotten rid of. So I am determind not to have a house full of clutter. When our daughter started nursery part-time I started clearing all the baby stuff (cot, pram, changing unit etc) out by selling it. I got rid of EVERYTHING we didn't need, want or love. Due to the amount of stuff and daughter only being part-time at nursery and then her taking ill for a few months, it took me a good 12 months to clear out and decorate throughout the house. The following school year I started making friends with some of the mums at the school, and I took on a position of Parent governor and webmistress. So I was trying to get away from being like my mum, I was trying to loose weight (something my mum has been doing as long as I can remember) and I was getting a life outside of the house. But still I was "acting like my mother". (She said "I thought it was just work pressure that was making you have problems" :mad::mad: )
Fast forward again to this year - my house is sorted, I have a couple of friends who I go and see rather than get stuck in the house all day, yet still my mother is never off the phone. I'm finding it hard to shake some of the habits I've learnt from her as I can't get rid of her! It's so bad that even my daughter now goes "I bet thats nanna again - she's a real pain in the bottom!" whenever the phone rings
My partner has dumped me because I was so old and unbearable to live with - all down to the habits I've picked up from my mother.So after that long, rambling explanation of the situation I'm looking for your advice of how to tell my mother to basiclly piss off and let me live my life without making everybody elses life hell! I've tried the grunts, yeah, uh-huh and completely dis-interested phonecalls when she rings me, I've tried cutting them short ( even by making my mobile play its ring tone and going "oh there's my mobile I've got to go"!), I've tried not answering them (which results in the calls going home, mobile, home, mobile, voicemail on home phone, voicemail on mobile, text message all in the space of 5 minutes!) but nothing is getting through! Everyone, including my dad, has tried speaking to her about it but she just doesn't get the fact that she's driving us mad! We've even tried suggesting she goes back to school to learn computer skills, or gets a little part-time job for something to do and so she can meet people - her answer was no.
Can anyone give me anymore suggestions as to what we can try to get through to her and resort some sort of peace to our lives? Whats really ironic is that she phoned the other day to complain to me about her £200 phonebill and the fact she has to top my brother mobile up at least twice a week (she uses it while he's at school as the battery is playing up on hers) and was on the phone to my mobile from her homephone for over 20 minutes :rolleyes: HELP!
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Comments
Secondly although I can see it must be annoying to have someone calling you all the time, perhaps you take some of the things she says a little too personally? For example, my mum will often call me and say "ooh its going to be nice today you better get your washing out because they give rain the rest of the week", but I don't take that as her interfering in my life in any way, it is just a suggestion and I am an adult, it is up to me if I decide to put my washing out or not. Also, turning up with gifts etc - well, it is very rare that friends or family are going to buy things for your child/you that you would buy yourself, but from my point of view it just seems like she is really trying to make an effort and get close to you, but she is going about it the wrong way and the harder she tries the more it pushes you away.
One of the things that I might try is to ring her at a time it is convenient to you. So when she rings at a time that isn't good just say - sorry mum I've got to go and do (whatever), I'll talk to you later - then give her a call when it is good for you, or call her half an hour before you've got to make dinner or something, so there is a set time you can spend on the phone and make that clear to her from the beginning. Of course you'll still have to listen to her and probably talk to her often, but perhaps that will make you feel less like she is always calling you at inconvenient times and you have more control over the situation?
Or failing that just talk to her about it (she seems to be good at that after all!) and explain that you do appreciate that she cares and likes to stay in touch, but that you have other really important things in your life that you need to concentrate on and you feel like you can't do anything without having to explain it all to her first. Just see how she reacts to that I guess.
Anyway good luck, I hope you don't get too stressed about it all.
I suspect its either going to have to be 2 or 3.
Im assuming youve tried speaking to her calmly about cutting down on the phone calls to a reasonable amount, or at least cutting them down gradually to maybe morning and evening?
If you did, how did it go?
If you havent, how do you think she would take it?
I think thats all very well if it was a normal amount of calls, but the fact is, its affecting her relationships and her ability to get on with anything else during the day plus her other childrens too.
I think its possible to be empathic, yet not allowing/enabling the overly dependent behaviour to continue. I dont think it actually does HER any favours either.
Someone may be a lonely person, but that doesnt mean that its their grown up childs duty to put her own life and family on hold to provide entertainment and company several times a day every single day of the week. Its not healthy for ANYONE.
:yes:
It has gotten out of control and she's been told numerous times to go out and get a job or go and do a course at college or something but get out the house and make friends but she won't listen.
She is the only reason my ex and I ever really argued (even the demands his family made on us didn't amount to anything compared to my mum and they live 100+ miles away!) in the 8 years we were together.
If I had my way I would sever all contact with her as I hardly speak to any of my family anyway - not that there's much point as we never have anything to say as mum has already told all of us everyone elses news! :mad: I'm just worried about the fall out for other members of the family
I think thats good advice. Its all very well for your family to dump the pressure on you to lessen it from themselves, but They know full well why youd be doing it.
Have you thought about writing her a letter explaining it.
You say that you managed to get through to her once before, but it slipped back into the old routine rather quickly. at least youve got a starting point if you do that again, and also a point to refer to when explaining it to them.
If none of them understand then theyre not really looking out for your best interests at all.
Phew! It sounds like you're going through the mill a bit at the moment - sorry to hear that.
It's a tricky situation and there's been some really good advice posted here, so I don't really feel there is too much I can usefully add.
I agree that you should try and look at things from your Mum's perspective. She obviously loves you very much and, regardless of whether she is going about things in the right way or not, is doing this because she cares about you and your daughter so much. I would expect that she doesn't realise the extent to which she is upsetting you and, as a result, pushing you away. It sounds to me like she wants you to be happy and would hate to be having the opposite effect.
I think being open and honest would be the best policy. The situation is obviously very tense at the moment between the two of you and I doubt your Mum likes that any more than you do. I would imagine she would welcome a chance to clear the air as much as you would.
I'm not suggesting that just speaking to her about the problem will stop her calling...I'm sure it won't. However, it might make her appreciate your point of view a little more. You will have to compromise, and that means you will probably have to 'humour' her a little. Maybe you could keep her updated without her having to contact you to 'check up on you'. If she gets used to you letting her know when something changes/there is something wrong, she might feel more comfortable letting you get on with things.
I don't think there is a quick fix solution to this problem - it's something that you are going to have to work through together. Cutting your Mum out of your life may seem to be the only solution at the moment, but I think you should think really carefully about this first. How would that affect your daughter and the rest of your family? Would you regret it later down the line? And how would this affect your Mum?
You might find it useful to take a look at some of the articles in our family section for more advice. 'When parents won't let go' is one which is probably particularly relevant.
Good luck and I hope things improve soon.
S x
My mother is the same way when my partner and I started dating she was thrilled until i started staying with him a few nights a week then eventually moving in. She calls multiple times a day (as often as 15 times) and if we're out to the store she calls and wants to know why:banghead: . She gets upset if i dont go visit every day thing is its a 45 minute drive and she want me to stay with her all the time I cant get it through her head I am not a child anymore and I have my own life and family now she is such a control freak and she wont listen to anyone my stepfather has tried telling her but all she says is "Well she's still MY daughter" like im some kind of possision??? Were getting ready to move to Neveda we currently live in Oklahoma and she is having a cow I really want to just cut her off completely but I dont know how.