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I think I may have "acted" very childishly
Indrid Cold
Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
...but I'm not so sure, I need an outside perspective.
There's this guy I met at uni years ago. We started to talk often and while I couldn't say it got to the point where we were friends, I did think he was good company.
A few months ago though, I noticed that he never called me any more. He never acted annoyed or dismissive or anything when I did or when we met though and I can't say that there seemed to be any difference to how he acted between then and before.
In the past I've been a victim of situations where people only hang out with me because (for more "innocent" or sinister reasons) they don't want to tell me they don't really want to, so I thought maybe this was the case here as well.
So I've not called him or sent him a message on MSN or anything since February and, sure enough, in all that time I never received anything either. But I'm now having second thoughts that maybe I misjudged the situation.
I did tell him once before that I noticed he stopped calling and he said "You're right, I should do it more often" but that was all.
What do you people think?
There's this guy I met at uni years ago. We started to talk often and while I couldn't say it got to the point where we were friends, I did think he was good company.
A few months ago though, I noticed that he never called me any more. He never acted annoyed or dismissive or anything when I did or when we met though and I can't say that there seemed to be any difference to how he acted between then and before.
In the past I've been a victim of situations where people only hang out with me because (for more "innocent" or sinister reasons) they don't want to tell me they don't really want to, so I thought maybe this was the case here as well.
So I've not called him or sent him a message on MSN or anything since February and, sure enough, in all that time I never received anything either. But I'm now having second thoughts that maybe I misjudged the situation.
I did tell him once before that I noticed he stopped calling and he said "You're right, I should do it more often" but that was all.
What do you people think?
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Comments
It sounds to me like a perfectly normal chain of events; sometime people get to be good friends, other times they drift apart, and this usually has more to do with circumstance than anything else.
If you haven't contacted him, who's to say he's not out there thinking you don't want to be friends with him? Maybe he's really busy, or dealing with a tough period in his life, or just thinks you don't give a damn (sound familiar?)? It's great that you've raised this with him, but from the way you describe the conversation it sounds like a fleeting exchange from which he's unlikely to deduce that his lack of phone calls was a real issue for you. Unfortunately (especially with men) you often have to really spell things out for people to understand that you're not just making conversation. I know that can be embarrassing, but if it's going to be properly addressed you need to be very clear about how you feel.
I wouldn't get too 'deep' about this one; if you want to be friends with him, call him and ask him to go for a coffee or come with you and your friends to see a film or something. Offer him your friendship again and see how he reacts.
If it's not particularly him and his friendship that's the problem and you're more concerned about your ability to retain friends in general, that's a different matter and much more to do with your self-esteem.
You did not act childish, you were just not contacting him, the same thing he does with you. So you can either just start getting in touch with him and act if nothing happened - because nothing happened, or you leave it be, because it's too troublesome for you. This, however, you have to decide for yourself.
Then see how keen he is to see you.
yup, i would do this ^
I would regard someone I talk to often, and whose company I enjoyed, as a "friend". But equally I have friends who I only see once in a blue moon and rarely contact. The lack of contact doesn't mean that they don't want to see or hear from me, it usually just means they are busy getting on with their lives. Even the most casual of friendships can endure for years without contact, and it's always great to see old friends when you do eventually bump into them.
There is no reason to think that just because you have lost touch that this guy doesn't want to be friends.
Also people are much worse for it when they're in relationships.
So I called him earlier today, he seemed glad to hear me, felt bad for losing contact and wants to meet again soon as it's been so long.
I didn't say any of it on the phone, but I do plan to apologise for not calling earlier. I guess I'm just a paranoid and/or insecure idiot, heh.
As for why I can't say we're friends, it's still mainly my fault, I think. I find it really hard to open up to people (afraid they might be the wrong people to open up to) but in truth this one knows more than anyone else.