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Dwindling Sex Life (but I'm in a relationship!)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. I love him very much, we're extremely compatible, and we understand eachother in a way I've never had before. That being said, our sex life has taken a turn for the worse. In the beginning of our relationship we would have sex several times a day everyday. Now, I'm lucky if it's once a week (usually not!). We live together. There's nothing getting in the way of us except for maybe a squeaky bed frame. I've vocalized how I feel many, many times & still to no avail. I've not vocalized how I feel as well- to take pressure off but that doesn't work either. When we do have sex it lasts about 2 minutes (he used to last too!) and I feel like it's all about him and almost like he's just jacking off inside of me. Sorry if I'm being explicit, but this is a sex board! I don't know what to do anymore. He says he's attracted to me & he doesn't have any difficulty getting hard. Thinking about our sex life makes me resent him for ignoring my needs. That can't be healthy. It's to the point where I get upset that I have to say something about our lack of a sex life for him to try to have sex with me & then I don't want to have sex because I feel like I had to beg him. I don't want to cheat on him (I'm not the cheating type!) and I'd rather not break up with him (I thought I had found someone I could really be with). I'm just at a complete loss, it has been this way for at least 5 months & every time he says he knows and doesn't do well under pressure and to give him a chance to do stuff on his time. (When I don't say anything, it still doesn't happen.)ANYWAY, this longwinded rant is coming to a close and I just want to know how I can get him to be a better lover, more sensitive to my needs (as he was in the beginning- the sex was amazing)... or is this just a lost cause. : (
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Comments
You have to speak to him if you are unhappy, and tell him that it's unfair. I think 2/3 times a day is unrealistic, but maybe you could reach a compromise? Don't ask him to have sex more, tell him you are unhappy with the current state of your sex life and you need to improve it! You deserve to be happy just as much as he does.
Xx
Which might make her feel better physically, but won't really help though.;)
Personally, I'd say that you tell him you love him very much, but that the sex side isn't working for you - but that isn't in itself a problem, but you;re going to be having sex with other people as well as him.
My advice would be to stop talking about it! Imagine if you are him - you know there are huge expectations, a lot of tension and a lot of stress surrounding sex at the moment.
Try try a change of pace- giving him a massage will get him nice and mellow (A masseuse/aromatherapist friend of mine recommended tangerine and sandlewood oil to me) - he may well just fall asleep and you will be horribly frustrated but if he does just let him. You are achieving and rebuilding a level of very intimate bonding. He is getting used to non-threataning touch again.
Build up to teasing him with kisses and suggestive touches will get him nice and horny and give you a bit of a bargaining chip to get what you want! You can make it into a bit of a game, so you are not just physically having the argument you have had so many times verbally. For a while I would recommend that sex or even orgasm for either of you should not be the goal, just take some time to make your bodies a safe place away from the stress of argument.
I know how frustrating it can be to rebuild your sex life from scratch, but it can be done! If you put the effort in he will recognise this and reciprocate. How is your relationship in other ways?
If you get on well in other aspects of your relationship and you don't think this is an indication of his feelings for you, you have a real chance of sorting this out. You will just have to take it frustratingly slowly.
Also, if when you do have sex, have you tried the stop and go game? It helps with premature ejaculation and is absolutely hilarious. When you're having sex (assuming he's on top) and he's in the zone randomly shout 'stop' in a worried tone which he will, looking confused at you and ask whats wrong. His poor bemused little face is worth its weight in gold! Don't say go again till he's beside himself, maybe giving him a few downstairs squeezes. Repeat. It will really slow him down ejaculation wise, and will help with communication making sex a bit more fun.