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Curiosity killed the cat....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've just gone and landed myself in a ridiculous situation and I no idea how to deal with it.
Last night completely randomly I was going through the text messages on my boyfriend's phone. Not sure why, I had no reason to suspect anything or even expect to find anything vaguely interesting, just a nosiness that has now been my undoing....
I found a series of text messages that very strongly indicate that not long ago when he was away with work he hooked up with another guy; a bit of experimentation if you will. 'Discrete' (if he'd bothered to clear the text messages), random fun. I feel as if I've been shat on from a tremendous height, but I can't do anything about it because of the way I found out.
I kinda hope it's all some kind of pisstake or even a sting operation, but I realise that's clutching at straws.
I'm pretty shocked that he's bi (we've been together 9 years and there's been no indication) but that's not the issue. The issue is that he saw someone behind my back. I've always absolutely trusted him and now obviously that trust's been broken. From the messages it looked like that was the first or second time (if he was telling the truth to the guy) - so he's probably justifying it as 'only experimentation', but fuck me, he's the only person I've done anything other than kissing with, and is one of only two people I've ever kissed - I've had occasions over the years when I could have had my own bit of experimentation, but I've never done so because of HIM. I'm shell-shocked.
I guess I've just got to get my head together and pretend I never read the texts, but bloody hell, I'm going to have silent fits every time he goes away now (about once every week or so). Aaaaaaah. I hope that either it was a purely one off thing to get it out his system or some kind of prank, 'cos I don't want to have to deal with him doing that regularly and definitely don't want to end what's been a fantastic relationship so far. I can't chuck away 9 years for one indescretion. I suppose for my self esteem I've just got to be glad that it's not some busty blonde bimbo.
Advice, experiences?
Last night completely randomly I was going through the text messages on my boyfriend's phone. Not sure why, I had no reason to suspect anything or even expect to find anything vaguely interesting, just a nosiness that has now been my undoing....
I found a series of text messages that very strongly indicate that not long ago when he was away with work he hooked up with another guy; a bit of experimentation if you will. 'Discrete' (if he'd bothered to clear the text messages), random fun. I feel as if I've been shat on from a tremendous height, but I can't do anything about it because of the way I found out.
I kinda hope it's all some kind of pisstake or even a sting operation, but I realise that's clutching at straws.
I'm pretty shocked that he's bi (we've been together 9 years and there's been no indication) but that's not the issue. The issue is that he saw someone behind my back. I've always absolutely trusted him and now obviously that trust's been broken. From the messages it looked like that was the first or second time (if he was telling the truth to the guy) - so he's probably justifying it as 'only experimentation', but fuck me, he's the only person I've done anything other than kissing with, and is one of only two people I've ever kissed - I've had occasions over the years when I could have had my own bit of experimentation, but I've never done so because of HIM. I'm shell-shocked.
I guess I've just got to get my head together and pretend I never read the texts, but bloody hell, I'm going to have silent fits every time he goes away now (about once every week or so). Aaaaaaah. I hope that either it was a purely one off thing to get it out his system or some kind of prank, 'cos I don't want to have to deal with him doing that regularly and definitely don't want to end what's been a fantastic relationship so far. I can't chuck away 9 years for one indescretion. I suppose for my self esteem I've just got to be glad that it's not some busty blonde bimbo.
Advice, experiences?
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Comments
checking his phone is a much lesser sin than cheating on you and hiding his sexuality
I just thought I would let you know, that from some things you've said in this post, I easily guessed what your other account is. You might not mind that, but just in case the reason you've used a different account is that you don't want people on the boards knowing who this is, you should possibly edit out a couple of details.
It's going to be messy, but relationships break down because of failure of communication, not infidelity. (I'm not denying the loss of trust caused by infidelity can cause communication problems)
Or maybe I should somehow say something indirect at some point about sexuality or fidelity. It would be quite amusing to see him squirm if I mention something a bit too close to home.
I always thought I knew for definite that he wasn't someone to cheat. He was absolutely devastated when his parents divorced and I thought his views were 'one strike and you're out'. He's been quite scathing about mate's who have cheated too. But hey, maybe this is 'different'. Although the annoying thing is I seem to almost see it that way too. I'm not sure I'd be so understanding with the 'experimentation' get out clause if it had been a girl.
Love is....forgiving and forgetting
Discretion is...not forgetting to delete text messages
HA!
The trouble is we've been a touch wobbly for other reasons over the past year. Principly, I've been very down about my job situation (trying unsuccessfully for 2 years to get out of my dull admin job) and I think that's led to me not always being too fun to be around. Maybe if things had been tickety-boo he wouldn't be looking for fun elsewhere. Our sex life's always been great, but there are obviously some things I can't give him if he's looking for some great hairy guy with a cock and testicles.
Do you really think he deserves to be with you if he's cheated? You need to talk to him, and tell him you know and that you want to know the whole truth. Yes, he'll be mad because you've looked through his texts, but it's only because he is guilty for what he is done.
I know you've had a long relationship, and that is why you need to try and sort this out. Good luck, I hope everything turns out okay.
Xx
Telling him you read his messages will probably just lead to embarrasment and a row so probably best to wait until you are sure of his feelings.
If you've already decided you can forgive him, that's fine, but at least tell him you know and be open with him, otherwise you'll just be carrying it around with you. Like other people have said, reading his messages is much more forgiveable than cheating on you, how else are you supposed to find out if he hasn't got the guts to tell you? Especially after nine years together, surely it's better to be honest.
And possibly also explain why you were doing that in the first place?
How do you know someone didn't get hold of his phone and write / send those messages.
Id be fucking livid
:yes: Same, especially if it was a long term relationship.
Xx
Talk him up and convict him, which should be the end of the relationship, or talk him up and find out it is a misunderstanding and have him distrust you from then on.
Either way, I think you need to find out anyway, cuz you can't lead a relationship like that anyway.
Oh I am, don't worry. Much more bothered about that than whether it was with a bloke or a girl. Cheating's still cheating. I still can't believe it and feel sick to the stomach. I want - need - to forgive him, though, because what we've got is too good to chuck away for a moment of madness. I love him to bits. I just hope there will be another explanation, as it doesn't fit in with anything, his attitude towards gays/bisexuals/cheating, anything.
Melian - either it was him or someone else was taking camera phone pictures of his chest to share with the guy. Also, everything he wrote about where he was staying, that he has a gf etc. was correct. I just have to hope it was some wind up thing......
I don't know why I looked at the phone. I had no reason to and didn't think he had anything to hide. Like I say, idle curiosity. Meow.
Remember to keep in mind what you want the long-term effects to be.