Single Parent, elderly parents, abusive son, no contact with son's Dad for help.

Former Member · April 2010

Hi, I have just found this site. I really need some advice.

I am a divorced single parent to a teenager with behviour difficulites. If this wasn't already hard enough I have two elderly disabled parents.

Five years ago I suffered a breakdown, I lost my job. Since then I started having panic attacks and I'm now on ESA allowance.

My son's dad hasn't seen him in 4 years and doesn't want anything to do with our son despite my best efforts and even begging him to see sense. His Dad's family have no contact with our son either.

Since my twin sister got married we no longer have a relationship either, she has slowly broke all contact with me and my son, I haven't a clue why. I have tried to repair this situation, but I just keep meeting a brick wall.

Now my parents aren't speaking to me either, all because I missed one of my Mum's doctors appointments because I wasn't well. My sister called and had a go at me for missing the appointment.

For five years I have taken my Mum and Dad to their hospital and doctors appointments. I also errand run for my aunt and uncle who are also ill. As well as my son, I take him to school and back, events, football etc. and they all just treat me like a piece of shit.

My son speaks to me and treats me like crap as well. I think it's because no one has any respect for me because I don't work and they don't believe I'm ill because you can't see a breakdown like a broken leg.

I have no family support, no partner, no friends. I dread to think what will happen to my son if anything happens to me.

I don't know how to move foward. I have no life, no laughter no fun. Just errand running and abuse. I don't know how my life got to this point. I'm not a nasty person, I'm friendly and always trying to help and be nice.

I know this post is long. But please reply with advice. I am totally lost in my life.

Thanks

Former Member · April 2010

The good news is you've seen the situation for what it is, and that means you can start to change it.

Former Member · April 2010

Hi errandrunner,:wave:

Welcome to TheSite.org boards and thanks for posting! It sounds like you have spent a long time putting other people first and as a result you’re feeling that your own life has been neglected. As Big Gay says, recognising that there are things that you want or need to change is a really good first step. No-one deserves nastiness and abuse and I’m really glad you’ve got in touch. You’ll find everyone really welcoming here and hopefully some advice and support to help you move forward.

As you are a carer for both your son and your parents, you might find it helpful to have a look at the Princess Royal Trust for Carers website. They are a charity who supports carers – they have a really welcoming message board community as well and can provide a lot of help and support. You might even be able to find support or other carers in your area who you could meet with for some support and a bit of a rant! Similarly Parentline has a website specifically for parents with teenagers and Gingerbread helps single parents and might be able to provide further support and links to local communities and parents. There is support out there.

I’m really sorry to hear about your breakdown – you say you are now receiving ESA – does this mean you are still getting regular support from your doctor? You’re right that not everyone understands mental problems in the same way that they do physical ones. Have you tried speaking to your family about how you feel? It might be that they don’t realise that you feel they are taking you for granted, especially if they are all wrapped up in their own problems and worries. Could you write them a letter instead? Your local Mind might be able to give you some suggestions about how best to talk to people close to you and explain how your panic attacks affect you.

It also sounds like you need to focus on yourself more and make sure you make time for yourself. Perhaps practice saying no to errands and put in some time to treat yourself each week. Think about what you enjoy doing? If you would like to meet new people (and are not too tired!!) there’s loads of volunteering opportunities out there which might give you something completely different to do every once in a while and help you get out of your routine and get a break.

Look after yourself errandrunner – you really deserve it – and keep posting to let us know how you are getting on!

Former Member · April 2010

Have you asked social services for a carers assessment? This may allow you some respite. And are your parents and son getting help from them too?

Former Member · April 2010

It's not always a good thing to be a friendly, helpful person. Sometimes you need time away from people, or for people to help you. It sounds like you've spent so long putting others first that they just expect it, and get angry when you don't. I don't think it's that they don't respect you, it sounds like they're not even aware of how you feel.They act abusive towards you when they're upset about something and, from what you've said, the next morning you turn up smiling to ask if they need anything.
You need to get some support, as fostress said. You also change the way others treat you. If your parents or your son say something upsetting, tell them that you don't talk to them like that so they shouldn't do it to you. If your son continues make sure there's a consequence, such as no TV. If your parents continue put the phone down or walk away.
Try to do something for you, even if it's just going for a walk or joining a class one morning a week. And don't let anything be a higher priority during that time. It's hard, but you have to at least act strong and confident before anything will change.
Keep posting, because people on here usually give brilliant advice.

Single Parent, elderly parents, abusive son, no contact with son's Dad for help.

Comments