Another depressing post from me

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  March 2010

  I wouldnt say you messed up at all. You may have come on a little strong and given away a bit too much info before getting to know the guy better but alchohol does that to people, it lowers their inhibitions, just remember to drink less next time.
  Remember that guys like the chase so making things too easy just takes all of the fun out of it.
  Obviously i dont know anything about your lifestyle or your history but from what i can see here i'd say your abusive ex probably wore down your self esteem and now you're only just starting to realise that you're much better than him and deserve more. I highly doubt you've messed anything up with your friends, you havent even done anything wrong, just maybe came on a little bit too strong, so what!?
  and if they did fall out with you because of that then they wouldnt really be worth having as friends anyway, so dont worry about it.
  
  Try and relax a little, it sounds as though your own paranoia is eating you alive, the 'problems' you've mentioned are barely even a blip on the radar, really.
  Take a deep breath, get plenty of sleep, and just let things happen as they happen, dont fret too much about the small stuff or it'll eat you alive!

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  March 2010

  Also about the what to say when your friends ask you how it went with that guy.. just play it cool, say you had fun, but you'll just wait and see what happens. There's no need to apologise, and no need to go into detail.
  Besides, you've had two different guys chasing you over a short period of time thats more than a lot of people get, it could be worse eh

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  March 2010

  Well this is probably going to be a long post, I’ll keep it as short as possible. I’m not sure of what to say though I find it easier saying this here as I won’t be judged face to face.
  
  It all started when I was 17, I was still very naïve and immature for my age. I met this guy, the first guy that ever showed my interest and we ended up dating. It was to be the start of a seven year relationship. It was all very nice to begin with, he said all the right things, his family were nice and accepting as well. A few of my friends tried to warn me of him but I wouldn’t listen and eventually distanced myself from them. We got a dog shortly into dating, he confessed to me later on that he got the dog so I’d stay with him, that he thought if I grew fond of the dog I wouldn’t leave even if I didn’t care about him anymore.
  
  Less than a year after we started dating, I moved out from my parents and we got our own place. I started to see he had a jealous streak in him; he didn’t like me spending time with friends unless he was there. Gradually more friends started to distance themselves from me, one friend told me that he had told her (yes her, I don’t have a sexual attraction towards the opposite sex) to back off. I confronted him about it and he told me she was lying, I stupidly believed him.
  
  As time went on there was more that I wasn’t happy with. Now don’t get me wrong things weren’t constantly bad with him but as time went on things just seemed to get worse. We did have our good times, he was quite affectionate and I felt ungrateful that I wasn’t happy with the relationship. He had a very bad temper and did get quite violent at the start of our relationship. When he was angry I felt I could stand up to him until a certain point, but as he got angrier I became afraid of him. As time went by I stood up to him more and he wasn’t as physical towards me but would take it out on the dogs instead or kick, punch or stick a knife in the walls or door. There was one time where after arguing I had shut myself in the kitchen holding the door shut with my foot, he put a samurai sword which we had for decoration through the door, it just missed my head. There was another time, in a fit of blind rage that he attacked the dog with a knife as he hid under a canvass chair. Luckily enough the dog wasn’t seriously injured but he was left with a scar near the right eye. I lied for him and said the dog had escaped on the leash and came back with the injury. The dog had behavioural problems and my partner grew to hate him, he threatened to kill him often. I was afraid that I would come home to find the dog dead, he often commented how I loved the dogs more than him. Eventually I made the decision to re-home him but due to his behavioural problems I couldn’t get anyone to take him. In the end I called up the local cat & dog home and said he was a stray, again being naïve as I didn’t know they destroyed all dogs if not reclaimed within seven days. After finding that out I think I kinda had a breakdown, I kept seeing the dog around the house. It was a decision I felt I had to make but I have felt guilt over it ever since.
  
  Another thing that happened was that a friend of his had commented that he would like to have sex with me, my partner wanted to watch. I was reluctant but felt like I was supposed to do it to please him. Without going into details he finished first and left with my partner to go down to the pub. I felt dirty and used.
  
  I thought all our problems were normal in the beginning, I hadn’t been in any other relationships to have anything to compare this to. The fights I thought were normal as well, I just thought that a relationship between two guys was bound to be more intense. The only thing that made me question what was going on was listening to a gay friend speak about relationships that he had been in, It made me realise that what was going on wasn't normal. I used to feel guilty about having suicidal thoughts, why did I feel this way if this is what a relationship is all about? Coming face to face with the fact that this wasn't normal hit me hard.
  
  Everything was my responsibility to deal with, from something as simple as calling the doctor to make appointments for him to tidying the house and paying bills. He refused to do any housework, his excuse was that I had more free time or that I was better at it than him. He was very bad with money, he would leave me in charge of the finances and take whatever he wanted when it pleased him. I don’t know what the money was spent on. It was usually so bad I had to choose which bill to pay, sometimes none of them could be paid. There were a few occasions where we were taken to court to be evicted due to arrears. The blame was placed on me, I was in charge of the money and I shouldn’t have let it get this far. We had a fair bit of debt, he had applied for credit cards, catalogues etc in my name which just weren’t being paid. I got fed up with being the one with all the worries and responsibilities while he hadn’t a care in the world.
  
  During our relationship I was attacked in broad daylight for being gay. It shattered my confidence and I became very withdrawn. I became fearful to leave the house incase I was attacked again. Eventually I did seek help, only after being almost forced into it by my mum and was treated for anxiety by the doctor and given counselling and anti-depressants (Citalopram). The mood swings were unbelievable and I took it out on anyone who annoyed me and I was very easily annoyed, I became very difficult to be around. It took me quite a while to regain my confidence but I noticed that a lot of people were quite off with me, I later was told that my partner had been telling everyone that I was insane and he was going to have me sectioned, he denied this.
  
  There were a few occasions that I tried to leave. Everytime I did try he threatened to kill himself, even going to the extent of taking pills or making it look like he had when I was out the room packing my things. I couldn’t leave, I didn’t want his death on my conscience. He kept telling me that he needed me, that he couldn’t live without me.
  
  Eventually I sank into depression. I lost all my energy and motivation and let the house get into a state all around me. I felt that nobody cared about me, having lost a lot of my friends already. I also didn’t get on well with my dad, who only lived 5 minutes away, my mum didn’t call very often and I never heard from the rest of my family. My partner used to tell me that they didn’t care but it didn’t matter as I had him and his family. I started to feel that way myself, I thought my family was ashamed of me and I couldn’t tell them what was going on out of shame and fear that they just didn’t care anyway. I spent a lot of time sleeping, I worked back shift while my partner did days, I used to come home from work and fall asleep and only wake up one hour before I had to work again to get ready. The days where we were off together we just spent arguing, we hardly went out anywhere together as we’d get into an argument over what I was wearing, that I wasn’t showing him up going out like that.
  
  Things just got worse and I started to think that the only way out was for one of us to die. The suicidal thoughts started, at first I dismissed them and told myself to grow up. However they came more often and eventually I started to view them more favourably. I then started to write a suicide letter, I was in tears and I couldn’t go any further but as time went on and I became more depressed it became easier. I eventually swallowed some pills but couldn’t make myself take what I thought might end my life. This was not out of fear of dying, I had lost that fear already, it was a fear that I wouldn’t take enough and I had heard if not done right that it would cause a lot of pain, the pain scared me.
  
  Eventually I sort of made up my mind to do it, I had given up my job already in preparation of it, but a part of me wanted to be saved. I confided in a friend, a guy who I met through my partner, all my feelings and that I planned to end it all. I don’t know why I mentioned it, it just slipped out. I felt that I could trust him though, he made me laugh and treated me really nicely and I developed feelings for him. My mobile was lying around when I told him how I was feeling and he told me to call my mum and tell her what was going on and to leave my partner, I refused to make the call so he grabbed my phone and did it for me.
  
  My parents didn’t have a clue what was happening and were shocked to find out that I was so unhappy, though I didn’t tell them all the details. They called me later on and asked me to come over for a visit, to get away and get a break from it all. I told my partner and he refused to let me, my parents tried to reason with him but he threatened to kill them if they turned up at the door and he threw the phone at the wall. I was shaking like a leaf, I had never seen him this angry before and I don’t think I have ever been that scared before. I spent the whole night trying to calm down my family, that were none too amused about being threatened and my partner with re-assuring him that I would never leave him. He would not let me leave the room to speak to my family because he wanted to know what was being said. Eventually when he was asleep I managed to call back my parents, whispering and in tears I told them I wanted to leave but I wanted to wait till he wasn’t in the house to stop me. So they agreed and they planned to pick me up the next day while my partner was at work. I didn’t sleep at all that night.
  
  The next day I called my parents, they had been speaking with my friend any he was going to come round and help me pack and take me halfway to my parents house. They also told me to go down to the council and sign the house back to them, I managed to hold it all together until I was ready to leave. I didn’t want to leave without the dogs, I could hear them barking in their room wandering what was going on. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye either, something I regret. I’ve not seen them since. I left and got to my mum’s house. I got on well with his family so decided to call his sister to tell her that I’d left, I was afraid that my partner would try to kill himself after finding that I’d left and I wanted someone there for him. I did nothing but drink and cry for two days. Looking back I don’t know why I called his sister or cried over him when I wanted to leave for years. I did think that in his own little way he did really love me.
  
  Unfortunately it didn’t quite end there. He managed to find my mum’s mobile number and sent her a few texts, she still refuses to tell me what he had said. My parents dealt with things, organising with his family who were all very civil about it, to have my partner leave the house before it was to be handed back to the council. After two weeks we went back to find the place trashed, they had destroyed everything, emptied the contents of drawers and the fridge and freezer all over the floor, they has written on the walls calling me a bastard and a slut and they had urinated all over the house. They done this as the house was solely in my name, as everything was, and they knew that I would be billed for damages. I still can’t get those images out of my head. My partner would be fine as he was only classed as a lodger not a joint tenant. I had him charged with criminal damage and a number of things, he got let off with a warning as there wasn’t enough evidence but warned not to bother me.
  
  I started to find that most people from back there would no longer talk to me. I soon found out my ex-partner has been spreading rumours about me. He was telling people that I was cheating on him for years, that I was physically violent to him on a regular basis, that I kept money back from him for years and I saved it to move away with my new boyfriend and that I kicked him out of his own house and took everything. Things were getting back to him about what I said and what I had done. I became paranoid and distanced myself from the few people I still spoke to from back there. He must have known the people that I spoke to as I was getting different stories from different people, He was telling a friend that if I ever went back there I will be killed, also that he planned to drown the dogs. I don’t know if he did or was even considering carrying out that threat, I don’t know what happened to my dogs and try not to think about it but I think about it all the time. The same friend that helped me get away later betrayed me, I felt that I could no longer tell him anything. I feel bad that I can’t trust him anymore and that I don’t want to remain friends as basically if it wasn’t for him I’d be dead.
  
  With all the rumours going around about me I started to wonder if those things were true, did I cheat on him, was I violent, was I selfish and spent all of our money on myself? I know that I was never unfaithful and I only tried to ration the money so he would not spend it all and we’d be left with nothing but the doubts were still there. The rumour I hear the most is that I was violent, it still makes me question whether I was or not. There was one occasion that I picked up a hoover and threw it at him, I can’t remember why and it didn’t hit him, I think that puts the biggest doubts in my head about whether I’m capable of violence. I didn’t think I was, I’ve always thought that I was a good person, now I don’t know.
  
  I left in September, It took me a while to adjust and get over the shock of things. I still thought of suicide but dismissed it telling myself that I was now free. I looked forward to the New Year, it would be a fresh chapter in my life.
  
  After the New Year I had fully settled in, I had lost all of my friends by then but I was getting out more in this new area and getting to know what was around me. I felt confidence coming to me and I didn’t care about people’s feelings towards me. I was doing things that were completely out of character for me, I was super confident. Things were finally starting to look up! It has left me wondering though if acting this way was the real me starting to come out or who I want to become, I have forgotten who the real me is.
  
  While speaking to the police before my ex was charged I mentioned a lot to them, they basically said that I had been in an abusive relationship. This hit me hard, I had never thought of it in that way before. I still struggle to come to terms with that. He has also placed a personals advert two days after I’d left, I don’t know if he had ever loved me, I find it hard to believe. A friend of mine recently got back into contact with me, I found out he distanced himself from me as he had a crush on me and had asked my partner to ask to speak to me on my behalf, my partner asked me out instead and slept with me to spite him. That is how our relationship began, seven whole years, words can’t describe how I feel about that.
  
  It’s been over now for 6 months. I feel confused, angry, bitter, extremely stupid, dirty and used. I feel that he just used me all the way through the relationship, from asking me out to spite a friend of mine, to getting him a house away from his parents and doing everything for him, for using my name to get me into debt and for having sex with a guy just to please him. I feel angry at myself for not realising what was going on and getting myself into this mess. I feel sad that I’ve wasted seven years of my life.
  
  I feel that now I should be happy in my life. After all it was living with him that made me feel that way, I’m no longer living with him so I should be happy now. Sometimes I feel very happy, then other times I just feel that getting my life back into order is an impossible task and I should just give up. The thoughts of suicide are less frequent but still there but there is a difference. I’m no longer thinking of suicide using pills, I’m starting to think of more violent methods. I daydream of stabbing myself in the wrist with a knife, why this rather than cut myself? I have never self-harmed and cannot even look at blood or injections on the TV without feeling sick so why this?
  
  It just feels so difficult to try and get my life back together. Sometimes I know exactly what I have to do, others I really don’t have a clue. I don’t think I have ever felt so lonely in my life. I have met some new people but I can never really tell if they like me or want to be friends or not. I have been looking at college and university and think it would be a good idea to go back but that’s all it is, just an idea, I’m just not interested in doing that and it makes me angry that I feel that way. I feel at this stage of my life everything should be sorted, I know people that are younger than me that have their own house, car, have been through college/university and have a good job, they have made something of their lives. Its stupid because I want that but do not have the motivation to do it, I’m not as interested in certain things that I used to be interested in also I have no ambition anymore. I just feel hollow, as if I have no soul.
  
  The thought of dying still doesn’t scare me. The thought of taking an overdose and dying from that, as long as there was no pain, doesn’t scare me. All of this doesn’t scare me even when I don’t feel suicidal. However these new thoughts with the knife do scare me and it scares me how appealing it seems when I do feel suicidal. Are the thoughts just not going away because they have been with me for so long?
  
  It all leaves me confused. I don’t know if I need help or not. Most days I feel great, some days I feel nothing and other days I just can’t cope with it all. The bad days are far fewer though, should I just leave it and as my life gets better then the suicidal thoughts should disappear? This weekend I have felt happy one minute, irritable then next and then close to crying, my mood has been all over the place, something that is new to me as well. However at my low points I feel that I may have tried to end my life, the only thing stopping me is my family being in the house. I cannot confide in my parents, my mum took a nervous breakdown when I first came here due to my problems and a couple of other things, she is not strong enough to be burdened with my problems. My friend that got back in touch with me a while ago, I can talk to him but I don’t want to tell him too much as I’m afraid he won’t be able to deal with it and I will lose him again, I don’t think I can handle that.
  
  I am afraid to ask for help. I was always told by my dad when growing up that crying or asking for help was not what men did. I know that is wrong but I can’t help feeling the same way. I also feel that I am a proud and independent person, even though I feel I have lost some of that but I am ashamed to ask for help. Times where I have asked for help before have not gone well for me, told to grow up by my dad and told I was a freak by my ex. Last year I was in a lot of pain, physical not mental, and I ended up accidentally taking an overdose. I was asked to go up to hospital; they said I had not done any permanent damage. Even though I had taken too much and taken it too often I hadn’t taken enough to cause any real damage. I’m afraid that I might have a bad reaction as that will probably be on my medical records. I am afraid of what the doctors might do if I told them how I feel. I am also afraid that they just won’t believe me either. I also don’t want them to tell my family, they have enough problems.
  
  Looking back on my post I realise that I probably do need help. I am trying to cope on my own but it’s just so hard. I’m just afraid of what will happen to me if I do. If I do need help where do I go? I don’t want anyone else to know how I feel.
  
  Sorry for such a long post. I’m just trying to make sense of it all.

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  March 2010

  Above is the first post I made here, It was about a month ago I posted that. I'm still feeling as confused and no further forward than I was when I posted that. I'm on a waiting list for some proper counselling, still haven't been to a doctor yet though.
  
  I agree that yes I'm just being paranoid. Usually I'd just brush off something like this but recently I've been finding it difficult to cope with any hardship, big or small. I don't know even why I posted about that, it just seems so small and insignificant compared to the other stuff I've been through recently.
  
  Sorry, I guess I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  April 2010

  Hi there dez123, :wave:
  How are you feeling today? It sounds like you have been through an enormous amount and to get this far shows a great deal of strength. When you are spending a lot of mental energy on trying to stay on top of things, even the smallest setback can feel like it knocks you off balance – perhaps because you automatically see it as taking a step backwards rather than as just an everyday hassle. Everybody has ups and downs, but it can be very hard when the everyday downs trigger more ‘deeper’ lows. Perhaps one of the tricks is to try and recognise when this is happening?
  
  From your post, it sounds like you can be quite hard on yourself sometimes. You say that you feel you ‘should be happy’ and everything ‘should be sorted’ and you ‘shouldn’t show your emotions’. There’s a great quote ‘we judge our insides by everyone else’s outsides’ and perhaps it is relevant here. Part of the reason why you feel down seems to be that you are comparing yourself to others around you and feeling that things should be different. However, it really is impossible to make direct comparisons with anyone – particularly when you have been through such a difficult time. Perhaps try not to make any rules for yourself about how things ‘should’ be.
  
  You mentioned that you feel that you ‘should be happy’ as you are no longer living with him – instead perhaps you can see that leaving him was a first – incredibly brave – step towards being happier. It’s amazing that you’ve taken that step as, from what you describe, the relationship sounds both physically and emotionally abusive. But, as you have mentioned, the effects of the relationship have lasted longer than the relationship itself and, as a result, there’s further steps to take down that road, to work on feeling happier more and more often (no-one is happy 100% of the time, but with help and strength you can learn how to manage the times you feel down).
  
  It’s really good to hear that you are on the waiting list for counselling – often that can help you see things in new ways and give you tools and ways of thinking about things which can help you when you feel down. Well done for telling someone – that really is another step forward (even if sometimes things can feel really slow!). Did writing things down like this help? It can be really hard to talk to people – some people find it helpful to write things down and actually give what they have written to their doctor (for example). Have a look at this page on visiting your doctor. It’s focussed around depression but might be relevant to what you are going through as well.
  
  Hope you are feeling better today, let us know how you're getting on

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  April 2010

  Hi there, thanks for your reply.
  
  I’m feeling ok today, still having quite a few bad days though. The first post here I over-reacted, I was just so afraid that the people that I have started to become friends with would hate me for doing that, I have so few friends as it is now that I didn’t want anything to spoil it. They don’t think badly of me at all, they also said their friend (the one I went home with) was talking about me afterwards, he seemed to like me. I haven’t heard anything from him though, it’s a shame but I’m not too surprised or upset over it.
  
  Yeah I’ve heard that if you recognise that your mood is starting to dip then you can do something to distract yourself, I’ve not been able to do it yet. I can either wake up in a low mood or ‘something bad’ can happen and that changes my mood in an instant. I can go from being quite calm to really upset rather quickly. I’ve not been sleeping very well recently which doesn’t help.
  
  Yeah even the smallest of setbacks can really drag me down and I’ve been told a few times that I’m very hard on myself, that I do admit. I’ve never heard of that quote before. I do compare myself to others, the youth group that I go to, everyone is close to my age but they are all slightly younger than me. They are also further ahead in life than I am and done all of these interesting things, due to this I find it hard to relate with them. I know that I shouldn’t be making comparisons but I do.
  
  I’ve heard from the few people that I’ve told about what happened that they all think I’m a very strong person for going through all that and having the strength to leave, I don’t see it. I’m becoming more aware all the time about how much control he had over my life and I just allowed it to happen, that doesn’t show strength, only weakness. I also only left because I was helped out by a friend, if he hadn’t have done that then I’m sure I’d be dead.
  
  Well my parents have noticed that there is something wrong. They said I have become quite irritable and short-tempered with them the past few months, I hadn’t noticed. I still thought I was hiding it well, obviously not. I never told them anything, I just couldn’t, I don’t think they would understand.
  
  Yeah I’m on a waiting list for counselling, hopefully the wait isn’t too long. I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday, something I’m not looking forward to, I don’t like doctors. I know I have to go though. I may take your advice and write something down, it may be easier for me.
  
  Thanks for your advice
  
  xx

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  April 2010

  don't hert yourself i perposely hert my arm and it got infected all over it looked like a zombies arm and i had to goto hospital

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