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Dissociative injuries...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 19. I started cutting myself when I was 11. I hadn't cut in, god, two years. But, last night, I cut for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. I've not a clue as to what triggered my dissociative state, but that it lead me down a very long and devaluing path. I used to dissociate all the time. And I forgot how horrible it feels. I hadn't ever felt such extreme dissociation before last night. I truly felt like I was dreaming, thus I cut. I feel horrid now. But last night, it was an immediate, "crap what have I done?" to within minutes feel more alive than I have in years...
Here's my dilemma: I have virtually no support system. I met with a therapist yesterday morn, and she's not a clue who I am and my past, etcetc. I feel I should tell someone, and especially her, since she is there to help me. But, how do I tell her this considering we've not had out first "official" session??? Call her up; "Guess what I did last night?" -silence- "Cut myself! and it felt better than ever!"??? I just don't know how to go about this. It's not that I've never sought out help, it's just that I am more sensitive and guarded than I used to be. I don't want to be the client that is dreaded. I don't want to start off in crisis mode, but that's going to be hard considering crisis mode is my everyday mode. I just don't know what to do!
Help?
Here's my dilemma: I have virtually no support system. I met with a therapist yesterday morn, and she's not a clue who I am and my past, etcetc. I feel I should tell someone, and especially her, since she is there to help me. But, how do I tell her this considering we've not had out first "official" session??? Call her up; "Guess what I did last night?" -silence- "Cut myself! and it felt better than ever!"??? I just don't know how to go about this. It's not that I've never sought out help, it's just that I am more sensitive and guarded than I used to be. I don't want to be the client that is dreaded. I don't want to start off in crisis mode, but that's going to be hard considering crisis mode is my everyday mode. I just don't know what to do!
Help?
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Comments
Two years is a long time - and you should be really proud of that regardless of what happened last night.
Do you feel like you have any control when you're dissociating? I know that sometimes people can't remember what has happened during a period of dissociation, but others feel mostly in control of their actions. Because if you do... maybe you could come up with something else to feel instead of the pain from hurting yourself? Things I'm thinking of... are maybe having a warm bath or cold shower... or listening to music so loud that you can feel the vibrations?
When is your first session with your therapist? Also - do you have any friends or family that can help you out a bit? You don't have to tell them everything, but it might be helpful to get you out and about and thinking about other things.
Keep talking on here
Welcome to the boards, the community here is really supportive, so feel free to keep on posting to explore what's going on for you and possible solutions.
You said 'I feel I should tell someone, and especially her, since she is there to help me' :yes: Your therapist is there to support you and listen to you regardless of how many times you have met, she is the perfect person to talk to if you feel you can as this is what she is trained and paid for. She may have some techniques and ways to help work through some of the feelings you have around how the disassociation came about and also the elated feelings you had afterwards.
As you are new to the boards you may not have seen the information pages that Thesite have. Thesite's pages on self-harm are many and well resourced - why not check them out? You have to scroll down to the bottom.
You said that you have been living in 'crisis mode' every day. Can you talk a little more about that? What mechanism have you learnt and use to get through the day?
Take care
Crisis mode. It's a constant struggle. I fear I am not capable of stability, of any sort. I've been a constant inconsistency for years. Unpredictability becomes predictable to me. I know so much about myself, but yet I know nothing because who I am can change in an instant. Getting by is very difficult, but I find that just taking one second, one moment, or whatever it takes to get through the day, one step at a time. I try to find joy in the little things, though that does become hard after while. When I'm at work, I work as hard as I can. I try to apply myself fully in whatever I'm doing, because I know that if I'my not applying myself, I'll slid further down. I find myself constantly reading. I guess reading is my fall back. Something I love and something I would do every waking moment if I could.
I wish I could say I didn't cut again, but it's a spiraling road for me. Once I start falling, I can't stop. It's not that i don't want to or don't try, it's that I literally can't. No matter how hard I try. No matter what steps I take. i just can't seem to break the pattern. I've been in and out of the hospital for years. Usually within a year of leaving the hospital, usually less than a year, I'm right back where i started. I'm following treatment plans. The 26th will mark one year since I've been out of the hospital. It just may be a record. I guess the differnce is now I'm no longer under my parents guardianship. I am an adult and no one can force me into treatment. No one can put me in the hospital but myself or a court order. This seems to be a blessing, but I wonder if it is quite possibly a mistake. I wonder if I am ready to make my own decisions, considering my thinking isn't always rational and I am quite unstable....