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I could really use some advice!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi All
First time poster, thanks for reading my thread - sorry if it's a bit long but I want to be sure I can give you all the information I can.
I have been with my fiancee for 9 years although I was first attracted to her about 15 years ago. I couldn't do anything about it then as she was still a teenager and above all else my friends sister! Fast forward to 2001, I concucted a plan (most call it romantic) to get talking to her and eventually asked her out which brings us here - 9 years on. Just so you know, she is in her late 20's and I am early 30's. We have had a long engagement as we want to be financially well off before getting married and having children - both of us agree on this.
Sex has never been easy for us together and we both admit it was easier when we were with our past partners. When we first met I had performance anxiety which meant I kept loosing my erection. We did our best to muddle through this but as things started to get better she kept getting urinary tract infections, for a few months the poor girl was doubled up in pain, turned out to be the soap I was using was causing a reaction. Once that was resolved we managed to get on better sexually and when we have sex I really enjoy it and she says she does too.
I am a bit on the wild side sexually and have a high sex drive, I am game for most things and would probably give most things a go. She, on the other hand, needs a bit of a confidence boost or persuasion before she will try anything new but when she does she really, really, enjoys herself. So far we have tried sex toys, outfits, had fun with others on webcam and had some 3somes. All of which we thoroughly enjoyed. I have had 8 previous sexual partners, she has had 1 and a half... I say half because they only went half way if you catch my drift? But she is very very experienced and has no trouble blowing my mind or anyone elses for that matter..and she is absolutely stunning - no one argues that.
Over the last few years she has been coming on to me less and less which makes me feel awkward to steer things to have sex and come on to her. Sexually we have been having less and less fun, for example, we used to walk around adult shops together but even that's stopped We have talked and talked and talked about why this has happened over the last few years... I have lost count of the conversations we have had! The conclusion is always the same - she doesn't know why she doesn't feel as horny as she used to. Things will be great for a few days after our conversation, she promises to try harder, then it all drops back to how it was :-( Strange thing is when we do have sex she always really enjoys it.
She is in good health as am I, we both had cosmetic surgery last year (which I paid for) so we are both extremely happy with our bodies and confident so I can't see that being a problem. We went to see a couples therapist, we both went for a few sessions but then she dropped out with no reason why. I made sure the sessions were individual sessions so she didn't feel that she couldn't say what she was feeling but even then she dropped out and didn't say anything as to why. Needless to say I am getting fed up of being the one who is the communicator in our relationship and the only one always trying to do what's best by her.
I might be blowing my own trumpet here but I see myself as the model fiance.... I buy her the world (not that she ever asks for anything), the house we own I raised the deposit for and put it in her name so she will always feel safe and financially secure (and it's a beautiful house, 4 bed detached, 4 bathrooms, double garage, jacuzzi, etc etc), for christmas this year I bought her a Mercedes Benz, she has diamond jewellery coming out of her ears! I spoil her because I can - it doesn't have to be a special occassion. You can probably tell we are both good earners and so money isn't a worry (..although in my opinion you can never have too much!!)I am there for her emotionally, I will always listen to what she has to say, I am on her side in every situation, I really care about her and what direction her life is taking. I even do the housework! Yep that's right, I even cook for her, I'll do my fair share of tidying, cleaning, washing up/dishwasher, vacuuming, etc too. Don't get me wrong, she's not lazy by any count but I am showing how involved I am too.
I really do love her, I really do want to marry her but I really really need to be satisified sexually too. I don't see why I should be unhappy because she is happier not having sex. As horrid or selfish as that may sound I am just being honest. I don't want to be a divorce statistic in the years to come because I decide I need more or she finally figures out what's up and that means she needs us to get a divorce. Maybe I am thinking too much about this but I am going out of my mind!
Any help, advice, would be greatly appreciated and I am more than happy to answer questions or clarify.
First time poster, thanks for reading my thread - sorry if it's a bit long but I want to be sure I can give you all the information I can.
I have been with my fiancee for 9 years although I was first attracted to her about 15 years ago. I couldn't do anything about it then as she was still a teenager and above all else my friends sister! Fast forward to 2001, I concucted a plan (most call it romantic) to get talking to her and eventually asked her out which brings us here - 9 years on. Just so you know, she is in her late 20's and I am early 30's. We have had a long engagement as we want to be financially well off before getting married and having children - both of us agree on this.
Sex has never been easy for us together and we both admit it was easier when we were with our past partners. When we first met I had performance anxiety which meant I kept loosing my erection. We did our best to muddle through this but as things started to get better she kept getting urinary tract infections, for a few months the poor girl was doubled up in pain, turned out to be the soap I was using was causing a reaction. Once that was resolved we managed to get on better sexually and when we have sex I really enjoy it and she says she does too.
I am a bit on the wild side sexually and have a high sex drive, I am game for most things and would probably give most things a go. She, on the other hand, needs a bit of a confidence boost or persuasion before she will try anything new but when she does she really, really, enjoys herself. So far we have tried sex toys, outfits, had fun with others on webcam and had some 3somes. All of which we thoroughly enjoyed. I have had 8 previous sexual partners, she has had 1 and a half... I say half because they only went half way if you catch my drift? But she is very very experienced and has no trouble blowing my mind or anyone elses for that matter..and she is absolutely stunning - no one argues that.
Over the last few years she has been coming on to me less and less which makes me feel awkward to steer things to have sex and come on to her. Sexually we have been having less and less fun, for example, we used to walk around adult shops together but even that's stopped We have talked and talked and talked about why this has happened over the last few years... I have lost count of the conversations we have had! The conclusion is always the same - she doesn't know why she doesn't feel as horny as she used to. Things will be great for a few days after our conversation, she promises to try harder, then it all drops back to how it was :-( Strange thing is when we do have sex she always really enjoys it.
She is in good health as am I, we both had cosmetic surgery last year (which I paid for) so we are both extremely happy with our bodies and confident so I can't see that being a problem. We went to see a couples therapist, we both went for a few sessions but then she dropped out with no reason why. I made sure the sessions were individual sessions so she didn't feel that she couldn't say what she was feeling but even then she dropped out and didn't say anything as to why. Needless to say I am getting fed up of being the one who is the communicator in our relationship and the only one always trying to do what's best by her.
I might be blowing my own trumpet here but I see myself as the model fiance.... I buy her the world (not that she ever asks for anything), the house we own I raised the deposit for and put it in her name so she will always feel safe and financially secure (and it's a beautiful house, 4 bed detached, 4 bathrooms, double garage, jacuzzi, etc etc), for christmas this year I bought her a Mercedes Benz, she has diamond jewellery coming out of her ears! I spoil her because I can - it doesn't have to be a special occassion. You can probably tell we are both good earners and so money isn't a worry (..although in my opinion you can never have too much!!)I am there for her emotionally, I will always listen to what she has to say, I am on her side in every situation, I really care about her and what direction her life is taking. I even do the housework! Yep that's right, I even cook for her, I'll do my fair share of tidying, cleaning, washing up/dishwasher, vacuuming, etc too. Don't get me wrong, she's not lazy by any count but I am showing how involved I am too.
I really do love her, I really do want to marry her but I really really need to be satisified sexually too. I don't see why I should be unhappy because she is happier not having sex. As horrid or selfish as that may sound I am just being honest. I don't want to be a divorce statistic in the years to come because I decide I need more or she finally figures out what's up and that means she needs us to get a divorce. Maybe I am thinking too much about this but I am going out of my mind!
Any help, advice, would be greatly appreciated and I am more than happy to answer questions or clarify.
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Comments
If you really do love her you may need to accept that her sex drive has changed or find a way to reach a comprimise rather than trying to get it back to exactly how it used to be?
All sorts of things can effect a person's sex drive though so it's also worth ruling those things out, it sounds like you've been trying to do that. It may just be that now you're committed and settled together her needs and desires have changed? It's a shame she didn't continue with the counselling though, have you talked about why she gave that up?
It's not uncommon for couples who've been together for a long time to find that they don't have sex quite as often as they used to or it can become more of a routine than the exciting part of your relationship it was to begin with. We have some more information on mismatched sex drives and shaking up your sex life that you might find useful.
What's clear is that you're really keen to communicate with her but it seems like something is holding her back. Do you think she feels pressured to meet your sexual needs at all? Even if you don't mean to make her feel that way, you did mention she needs a bit of a confidence boost sometimes so it may be that her self-esteem has taken a bit of a knock and she's feeling anxious that she can't give you what she wants.
Hopefully you can find a way to talk honestly and openly about this together, unfortunately it's hard to make someone talk to you if they don't want to, perhaps let her know you want to talk but you'll wait until she's ready, let her come to you? Good luck
Hi Jo7
Thanks for the reply, I tried at length to understand why she stopped the counselling but she just went quiet. I was hoping she would say something like it wasn't offering her any value or that she didn't feel comfortable with that person but instead she just remained tight lipped and said nothing.
You're right when you say I am trying to be the communicator and I'm glad you can see that but I'm sure you can tell it's difficult when the other party doesn't want to communicate, it's almost as though she doesn't want me but when I ask her directly she'll tell me she loves me more than anything and that her heart belongs to me..... we are very sweet with eachother like that but I can't help feeling something else is going on in her head - even though she denies it.
Ummm maybe she does feel pressured? That's a good point - I very rarely initiate sex with her at the moment (...I say at the moment but I mean over the last 8 months or so) to make sure she doesn't feel pressured but I leave the door open for her to initiate something if she wants and she does once every 2 weeks or so on average. Maybe like you say her self-esteem has taken a knock? I'll concentrate on complimenting her more ( I always tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world...and she really is an amazing looking lady, I'm not just saying it).
I know it sounds horrible to say this but I can't adjust to her sex drive even though I love her so. Once every 2 weeks so soon into our relationship might turn into once a month, then once every 6 months. As petty as this may sound she doesn't even want to meet me half way with her sex drive so why should I just accept that her sex drive may have dropped off? Sex to me is a very emotional aspect of the relationship - I need to feel that intimacy, that connection. I can't go the next 60 years knowing that connection won't be there... I don't want to see divorce as an option - Once I tie that knot I want to be in it for good.
I hope you can see I'm not trying to be a 'typical' man here, I have tried every which way to communicate with her but she won't talk back. What else can I do? Can you see another way? I'd really appreciate any more help and advice you have to give.
Thanks
Hi lisa simpson's saxophone
Thanks for your reply, as far as I can tell she's much happier with her figure than she ever was. She had liposuction to her thighs, abdomen and hips and had a boob job with it. She now has a completely hour glass figure (size 12 to 14 UK). She quite happily will wear figure hugging outifts and lower cut tops (classy not trashy). I'm guessing from that she's happy but it's another avenue to explore I guess? If that give you any more clues please feel free to provide more advice - it's greatly appreciated!
Thanks
In relationships sex can wane due to work pressure, and other life situtions
But... Perhaps you should try initiating sex - say one time in 3, after say 10 days?
I think she'd freak if I showed her this post! She's always told me she is a private person (apart from the one or two times she let her hair down!).
But the work pressure is a good point - I know she is fed up with her job and has worked there for a number of years. She is currently interviewing for other positions so maybe that will change things?
Thanks again for helping
Thanks for your honesty. It seems I can't win! Past experience shows me If I don't be this person for my girlfriend/fiancee then I am branded a waste of space. If I do as much as I do now I am smothering her!
Joking aside I do see what you mean but I don't do everything for her (..granted I do more than most would). She still works to pay the mortgage on the house I secured for her, she still pays for her own petrol, pays the bills, etc. Do you think I should withdraw some more? If so how? I'd really appreciate some guidance.
I wouldn't mind initiating the sex, I feel like she accepts just for me though? That's why I'm not initiating at the moment. So how would this work - the one time in 3 thing that is?
Thanks for your input.
With the initiating thing - you say you keep the possibility open, but I don't know exactly how obvious that is. But basically I was suggesting that you let her initiate a couple of times, and then after 10 days, you do, then you leave it to her again. Obviously, you don't keep it on an exact timetable. My thinking is while it's very nice for you to give her the space and aren't pushing, I'm worried that she's not feeling really wanted. And on the other hand it's a compromise, you're getting less sex than you want, and she might be getting a little more.
Failing that, you need to sort where you're going. It sounds as though this is causing resentment to build, and that will destroy the relationship eventually. It's only fair that you give the GF the opportunity to prevent this.
But my sex life is a disaster, and you get way more than I do, so I wouldn't listen to me if I were you.
I'll give the initiating thing a go. The embarassing thing is that she initiated sex with me yesterday and I couldn't finish. I lost my erection once and when I got it back I couldn't finish :grump: There was an awkward silence between us when I suggested we just go to sleep and there was no conversation about it (I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over again only for her to make no changes for the betterment of our sex life as you know she's not put in any effort to communicate where I have throughout) This is definately getting worse.
I think there is some truth in what you are saying - I feel I am building a resentment towards her without realising. I didn't read your answer until now but it resembles the feelings that were going through me whilst we were having sex yesterday.
What a sorry mess :grump: she's the woman of my dreams, I'd do anything to make it work between us....why is this sooo difficult?!!