If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Older guys/life/upset
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Well... Over the past few months I've gradually fallen for this guy... I know I know I'm young and what ever. But the thing is, I've fallen for him and I can't have him.
Not only is he a whole lot older than me, he's got a girlfriend. I've known him a while, and I wasn't that into him to start with. But now I'm actually quite into him. We're mates, and I doubt he sees it as anything more, I wouldn't expect him to. Anyway, I think right now I just want someone there to care for me, I hate being single and alone. I know that if I push it hard enough, I can make him at least pretend to like me... But I seriously don't want to ruin his relationship with this girl.
I don't really know what to think anymore, to be honest right now I'd settle for anyone. I'm just desprate and easy I guess, but I don't know what to do. I could stop talking to him, being friends with him, seeing him, you know... but I don't know if that'd make me want him more.
Someone told me once I was looking for a father figure, and I guess I am. I've been out with a lot of older guys and I know I shouldn't. But I can never seem to cope alone, I find it so much easier with someone to support me. If I'm honest, I am just selfish. But for ages I went out with a controlling older guy, sorry this is turning into a bit of a sob story, anyway I went out with him for ages. I didn't want to, I tried to get rid of him and couldn't. But now I finally have, I've got nothing to do with him. Just like I wanted! But I want him back, I want someone there. The police know all about him, so I couldnt get with him again anyway. I've been through so many guys, and a girl, recently I am a bit affraid of being without one. I've really fucked stuff up at school, and at home to I guess, so I've not got anywhere I can just relax. But the guy I'm into makes me smile, he makes me laugh and be happy. But I know he shouldn't. I know I should hang out with kids my age and blah blah blah, but I just can't anymore. I don't want to ruin them like I've ruined myself. So, yeah, I guess what I'm saying is... What's the best thing to do about the guy? Should I keep him as a friend or cut contact? They are really the only two options I guess.
Sorry for the post everyone, I really am. I just needed to chat.
Broken-Angel.
Not only is he a whole lot older than me, he's got a girlfriend. I've known him a while, and I wasn't that into him to start with. But now I'm actually quite into him. We're mates, and I doubt he sees it as anything more, I wouldn't expect him to. Anyway, I think right now I just want someone there to care for me, I hate being single and alone. I know that if I push it hard enough, I can make him at least pretend to like me... But I seriously don't want to ruin his relationship with this girl.
I don't really know what to think anymore, to be honest right now I'd settle for anyone. I'm just desprate and easy I guess, but I don't know what to do. I could stop talking to him, being friends with him, seeing him, you know... but I don't know if that'd make me want him more.
Someone told me once I was looking for a father figure, and I guess I am. I've been out with a lot of older guys and I know I shouldn't. But I can never seem to cope alone, I find it so much easier with someone to support me. If I'm honest, I am just selfish. But for ages I went out with a controlling older guy, sorry this is turning into a bit of a sob story, anyway I went out with him for ages. I didn't want to, I tried to get rid of him and couldn't. But now I finally have, I've got nothing to do with him. Just like I wanted! But I want him back, I want someone there. The police know all about him, so I couldnt get with him again anyway. I've been through so many guys, and a girl, recently I am a bit affraid of being without one. I've really fucked stuff up at school, and at home to I guess, so I've not got anywhere I can just relax. But the guy I'm into makes me smile, he makes me laugh and be happy. But I know he shouldn't. I know I should hang out with kids my age and blah blah blah, but I just can't anymore. I don't want to ruin them like I've ruined myself. So, yeah, I guess what I'm saying is... What's the best thing to do about the guy? Should I keep him as a friend or cut contact? They are really the only two options I guess.
Sorry for the post everyone, I really am. I just needed to chat.
Broken-Angel.
0
Comments
We all feel like this at some time or another and start to feel attracted to those close to us who make us laugh, smile whatever because theyre giving us attention. If you were happy with yourself, you probably wouldnt give him a second glance.
I'm not saying cut contact with him but you need to be careful otherwise you could potentially wreck his relaionship and lose him as a friend. If you need support then by all means keep seeing him, thats what friends are for and I know i'd be upset if a friend in need didnt come to me for help just because they liked me.
Instead of focusing on being single etc, and all the bad things in your life, focus on what is good, your health, friends, family, as when you get down and depressed you will seek out people to comfort you and next thing you know, youve kissed him.
And big hugs, I'm exactly where you are right now, just with no guy to go for attention
The thing is, why should you feel you need to make a choice? You should be able to hang out with men who are older than you ... with no strings. I remember I did. I couldn't have been much older than you when I made friends with two friends of my grandparents!! (I would have been in my (very)early teens, they would have been in their late 50's. One taught me to play chess, the other took me out sailing ... and, seriously, there was never anything in the least sexual in either of these friendships. I felt totally at ease in their company.
If you are looking for a father-figure, fine. Why not? But you shouldn't feel you need to be looking for a sexual relationship. Most "normal" men would be genuinely flattered to be befriended by a young girl. Unfortunately, I suspect the world has moved on since I was your age. But, even so, if you take care not to "come on" too strong and not let yourself be alone with older men, I don't see why you shouldn't have the best of both worlds.
Anyway, the guy I'm on about is in his 20's and I really don't want to ruin his life... I'm going to think about it for a couple of days, but I think I can manage to be friends with him. Just friends. I know him well enough to be honest about my feelings, if I'm honest he probably already knows, so I'm going to speak to him about it to I think.
Xx
tbh: I wouldn't. Can't really back that up, but I would just let it slide. I - for myself - never found any advantage in confessing to someone I know I can't and/or shouldn't have. Just carry on.
Yuhh I agree. Tbh, I think he may be a bit freaked out and that could affect your friendship. It is quite a big age gap, especially when you're 12.
I'd just stick to being friends, and if you really find it that hard, then don't spend as much time around him.
I really think you need to learn how to be happy single.... people do care about you, and these people don't have to be boyfriends/girlfriends.
I sort-of dated a guy in his mid-20s when I was 16 and it was disastrous. I was mature for my age, sure, but you still have to wonder why a guy that age would be interested in being with a girl your age. Friendship is fine, but honestly, while it might be ok for a few weeks, before long you'll realise that you want completely different things. I'm getting it now with my OH and we've been together three and a half years and we're only 4 years apart. We're lucky enough that the differences aren't so drastic that we can't make compromises, but with a gap that big? It's not going to happen.
Honestly? I'd just leave him be. It's not worth the heartache. And trust me, it hurts a lot. Tell him how you feel if you think it's necessary but I don't really think it is. Friends, if they're good enough, are pretty perceptive about these things.
I know it's a big gap :-( To be honest... I don't think it's that I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I think it's more I want someone to cuddle up to etc.
Xx