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How to turn someone down nicely?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK I know I'm probably being a bit pathetic here but I need some help...there's a new guy at work (a temp) and I got talking to him on a work do recently, we found out we had some stuff in common (originally from the same area, both into writing) and we had a nice chat. Since then we've swapped a bit of writing via email...he's a nice guy but quite a bit older than me and I don't feel any sort of attraction to him at all. Unfortunately he knows I'm single and this morning I've come into the office to find an email from him asking me out for a drink...and I don't know what to say 
I don't want to go, because I don't fancy him at all, and although he's nice I would find spending time with him just the two of us very awkward...is there a nice way to say thanks but no thanks? I thought I could just say I'm not looking to date anyone at the moment as I only came out of a long relationship recently but a) that sounds really cliched and b) he's not really suggested a "date", just a drink. Help!
I don't want to go, because I don't fancy him at all, and although he's nice I would find spending time with him just the two of us very awkward...is there a nice way to say thanks but no thanks? I thought I could just say I'm not looking to date anyone at the moment as I only came out of a long relationship recently but a) that sounds really cliched and b) he's not really suggested a "date", just a drink. Help! 0
Comments
Otherwise, you could perhaps suggest bringing friends along each and doing something non-datey, so he gets the message that friends is all you want to be?
Sorry, not much help!
I bet he won't push it too hard after that.
Damn! I was writing my reply when you posted yours but it seems like we have the same idea! Woo!
Whatever you decide, I think you need to get straight to the point and be honest with him.
I hate to by cynical about my own sex, but I reckon that's bullshit. We're predators!
Well, if he says "Sure. Bring your friend!" and then a week or so later enquires again as to when they can all go out together, that would indicate he is happy with the notion of 'just friends'. Then, she can say "Oh he can't make it for a while so we can just meet up".
The thing is if she assumes he wants more than friendship, and she is 'honest' and tells him that she doesn't want a relationship, he may say "WTF???? I was only suggesting a drink", she may end up looking like presumptuous a tit.
PS We have another work do coming up in a few weeks so perhaps I could just say I'm really busy up until then (which I am) so maybe we can just have a drink then? Or something...??
Yeah, I agree. It does sound like he wants to be more than friends.
I think if he was just a friend, he might just say something like "Would you like to go for a drink one time?"
Sounds good to me! Gets the message accross in a polite, non-hurtful way.
:yes:
Sounds perfect! :thumb:
although, once a guy at work asked me out in a text message and i was toootally uninterested but i didnt know how to let him down gently so i just ignored the text and thought i'd have a word with him at work, but the next day at dinner time he shouted (over the canteen!) 'did you get my text about going for a drink?' in front of loads of other workmates, i was so embarassed
Haha I did consider the "deny all knowledge" option but know that usually leads to even more grief so thought it'd be best to deal with it straight away. Knowing my luck I would have ended up in a similar situation as you (that did make me laugh though sorry
I've sent the email, so we'll see how things go. I just put "Ah thank you - I'm silly-busy at the moment outside of work sorry, but there's another work do coming up at the end of February, so if you're going to that I'll call that drink in then! Cheers"
Aw! Nicely put. You can dump me any time!
Haha thanks! x
It is possible to be ask someone out for a drink without wanting anything more than friendship. She, however, PRESUMES he fancies her (probably correctly) but he hasn't exactly put this in so many words. So, in theory, she could look stupid mentioning 'flattery' etc when he hasn't actually indicated that its a real 'date' - and she still has to work with him so needs to avoid any discomfort around him. She has kindly allowed him to 'save face'. Well, that's my take on it anyway.
Personally, I think her reply was excellent.
Her response avoids both of them unnecessary embarrassment. There's a small chance he wasn't hitting on her, but wants to be mates. If she goes with your line, she looks a tit. However, he more than likely was hitting on her, so if she goes with your line, he looks a tit.
Surely it's better for everyone that we sometimes engage in these social niceties, even though everyone knows what's actually going on, than insist on being completely honest when it's more awkward and embarrassing all round.
However, if he had been, I'd still advocate honesty. It avoids misunderstandings, and there's no reason to be insulted by something that's not under her control.
Thats two girls, neither of which have an intention of dating me, and i dont want to date them. See it is possible to have guys and girls being friends.
He could have got the message. If so, great, he might feel a bit rubbish about it right now but should get over it resonably quickly if he barely knows you.
He could be thinking "well she's just really busy right now, once she isn't I'll ask her again".
If this happens just be straight with him and don't string him along, that's about the only thing worse than being rejected....
"Hey...
Ok. Sorry I couldn't tempt you with a tipple a little sooner but hey ho. It's good to be busy!
Yep, I'll be there at end of feb and will remember my promise to you. If not, then I'm sure I can count on you to remind me...
Take care..."
What do you guys think? To me that sounds like he's realised I don't want to meet up with him just the two of us - I hope so anyway.