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Am I being selfish?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys. I joined this forum because I would like to make a contribution to people's problems, but I absolutely suck at giving myself advice, so now I'm the one asking for help. I don't know what to do because since I left college I've been in a relationship, and I'm beginning to think I may have settled down too soon. I was 18 and I'm now 22.
I've been with my current girlfriend now (whom I was engaged to) for 4 years. We had a brief split last year for 6 months. It all started last summer when we would spend more time angry at each other than we would spending quality time together, and after a massive row about me refusing to stop seeing a female friend (there was never any attraction, we were just friends) she kicked me out of our rented house on Christmas Eve, and took all of our posessions with her to her parents house.
From Christmas I was incredibly lonely. I had since found out that she'd had male friends that I didn't know about, and while we'd split, had even slept with our next door neighbour. I thought this was extremely hypocritical, as me having a female friend was the reason I was thrown out. Anyway that's beside the point. After 6 months of living in a 1 bedroom flat on my own working 2 jobs 7 days a week and 14 hours a day and having no life, my ex girlfriend phoned me completely out of the blue to say that she needed my signature to close down a joint bank account we held together. This was after I was told she'd sold all our posessions.
We couldn't agree on a time or civil place to meet due to both our work schedules, so I suggested she come to my flat where I would cook us both dinner. Anyway after not seeing her for six months, instantly the feelings came flooding back. I don't know if it's because I was lonely, and just needed to feel loved, but after staying up until 3am apologising to her and spilling my guts out about how miserable I was, we ended up having sex in my bed and she stayed the night.
Before I knew it we were back on, and I didn't really know what to do. All my friends and family told me I was stupid for taking her back after what she did to me at Christmas, but it's hard to take advice when you feel the way you do.
A few months later, she lost her job as a nursing assistant, and begrudgingly, I agreed that with my wage from both jobs, I would support her financially until she was back on her feet, whilst paying my bills and rent at the same time. A few weeks later my girlfriend decided that she didn't want to return to work any more, and instead decided to go to university. Of course, this meant that I'd still have to financially contribute, as her uni loans and fees didn't cover her outgoings. Reluctantly I agreed, as I thought any loving boyfriend should.
In November 2009 I was then made redundant from my main job and could no longer afford to not only support my girlfriend financially, but I couldn't support myself either. After a few heated rows and lots of compromise, I decided that if I gave up my flat, and moved back in with my parents, I could continue to financially support my girlfriend while she goes to university.
To cut an even longer story short, we're now constantly arguing again like we were when we first split up, and instead of looking forward to seeing her, I'm thinking about what I can do with my time when I'm back home. Even when I do visit her at her parents, she's always either on facebook, watching TV, or reading a study book, and only once she's bored with all that, will she then talk to me, and even then it's usually just to initiate sex. She's constantly checking my bank account online, questioning why I'm spending money and what on, when I "can't afford it". The thing is, no I can't afford it, and that's only because I'm paying for her.
I love her, but I just don't feel like I'm "IN" love with her. I don't like how I have to constantly explain myself to her all the time, when all I've ever done is make sacrifices for her, and always put myself last. She bitches about me to her friends, and after telling me she is no longer in contact with some chat room guys she spoke to while we were split up, she still goes on flirt sites and texts guys. She even lectures me about who I've been out with and where I've been when I go out.
What time am I home, where am I going, who am I going with? She wants our finances to be completely 50/50, but how can it be that way when I can barely afford to support myself, and we don't even live together anymore.
I feel trapped, and all I want is what I never had, and that is to be 18 again. To go out, have fun, meet people and not have to worry about what she thinks, if I can afford to pay for her, because I truly know now that I settled down too soon, and now I'm trapped because I think I'm too nice of a guy to tell her how I feel. I tried once, and I felt incredibly guilty because she broke down in tears, so I told her that I only said those things because I was feeling depressed. So now she thinks I suffer from depression also.
Basically to sum up, I'm extremely afraid of hurting her, and upsetting other people, and I would rather I was miserable than someone else, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to break this trend!
I hope somebody can give me some advice, and If I've not made myself very clear, or anybody has any questions then please don't hesitate to ask. I don't know what to do.
I've been with my current girlfriend now (whom I was engaged to) for 4 years. We had a brief split last year for 6 months. It all started last summer when we would spend more time angry at each other than we would spending quality time together, and after a massive row about me refusing to stop seeing a female friend (there was never any attraction, we were just friends) she kicked me out of our rented house on Christmas Eve, and took all of our posessions with her to her parents house.
From Christmas I was incredibly lonely. I had since found out that she'd had male friends that I didn't know about, and while we'd split, had even slept with our next door neighbour. I thought this was extremely hypocritical, as me having a female friend was the reason I was thrown out. Anyway that's beside the point. After 6 months of living in a 1 bedroom flat on my own working 2 jobs 7 days a week and 14 hours a day and having no life, my ex girlfriend phoned me completely out of the blue to say that she needed my signature to close down a joint bank account we held together. This was after I was told she'd sold all our posessions.
We couldn't agree on a time or civil place to meet due to both our work schedules, so I suggested she come to my flat where I would cook us both dinner. Anyway after not seeing her for six months, instantly the feelings came flooding back. I don't know if it's because I was lonely, and just needed to feel loved, but after staying up until 3am apologising to her and spilling my guts out about how miserable I was, we ended up having sex in my bed and she stayed the night.
Before I knew it we were back on, and I didn't really know what to do. All my friends and family told me I was stupid for taking her back after what she did to me at Christmas, but it's hard to take advice when you feel the way you do.
A few months later, she lost her job as a nursing assistant, and begrudgingly, I agreed that with my wage from both jobs, I would support her financially until she was back on her feet, whilst paying my bills and rent at the same time. A few weeks later my girlfriend decided that she didn't want to return to work any more, and instead decided to go to university. Of course, this meant that I'd still have to financially contribute, as her uni loans and fees didn't cover her outgoings. Reluctantly I agreed, as I thought any loving boyfriend should.
In November 2009 I was then made redundant from my main job and could no longer afford to not only support my girlfriend financially, but I couldn't support myself either. After a few heated rows and lots of compromise, I decided that if I gave up my flat, and moved back in with my parents, I could continue to financially support my girlfriend while she goes to university.
To cut an even longer story short, we're now constantly arguing again like we were when we first split up, and instead of looking forward to seeing her, I'm thinking about what I can do with my time when I'm back home. Even when I do visit her at her parents, she's always either on facebook, watching TV, or reading a study book, and only once she's bored with all that, will she then talk to me, and even then it's usually just to initiate sex. She's constantly checking my bank account online, questioning why I'm spending money and what on, when I "can't afford it". The thing is, no I can't afford it, and that's only because I'm paying for her.
I love her, but I just don't feel like I'm "IN" love with her. I don't like how I have to constantly explain myself to her all the time, when all I've ever done is make sacrifices for her, and always put myself last. She bitches about me to her friends, and after telling me she is no longer in contact with some chat room guys she spoke to while we were split up, she still goes on flirt sites and texts guys. She even lectures me about who I've been out with and where I've been when I go out.
What time am I home, where am I going, who am I going with? She wants our finances to be completely 50/50, but how can it be that way when I can barely afford to support myself, and we don't even live together anymore.
I feel trapped, and all I want is what I never had, and that is to be 18 again. To go out, have fun, meet people and not have to worry about what she thinks, if I can afford to pay for her, because I truly know now that I settled down too soon, and now I'm trapped because I think I'm too nice of a guy to tell her how I feel. I tried once, and I felt incredibly guilty because she broke down in tears, so I told her that I only said those things because I was feeling depressed. So now she thinks I suffer from depression also.
Basically to sum up, I'm extremely afraid of hurting her, and upsetting other people, and I would rather I was miserable than someone else, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to break this trend!
I hope somebody can give me some advice, and If I've not made myself very clear, or anybody has any questions then please don't hesitate to ask. I don't know what to do.
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Comments
It's definitely VERY hypocritical of her to try and force you to stop seeing a female friend, when she's still seeing male friends (ones you didn't know about at that!). I was told that I couldn't have male friends, even though my friendships were just that - friendships. But it was okay for my ex-partner to go on work nights out and chat to a woman that he'd had a one night stand with before we got together. Obviously what he did before our relationship began wasn't my business, but for him to be chatting to her in a club/pub atmosphere, knowing full well that he'd slept with her and with alcohol in the equation, was very unsettling for me.
It sounds to me like there's some controlling and emotional blackmail coming from her side of the relationship. And there are some severe double standards, no doubt about that. Relationships are about equality and respect, and she is showing you no respect by texting guys while knowing that you're aware of it. That is cruel and it shows absolutely no consideration for your feelings. Bursting into tears when you try to tell her how you feel as well - that's emotional blackmail. It's playing to your compassionate side because she knows you're a nice person and you'll respond to that in a way that favours her. I'm not criticising you for that - kindness isn't a weakness. But people who exploit that kindness for their gain are not people who you want to be involved with.
The very fact that you're asking if you're being selfish for admitting that you're unhappy speaks volumes. She is the selfish one, she's taking your generosity for granted and giving you nothing in return, not even respect. The fact that you even know that she's bitched about you to her friends is terrible, she should be singing your praises for being so supportive, for giving up your flat in order to keep her going financially. Giving up your home, your personal space, to be able to cover her outgoings is a huge thing to do. Do you think she's stopped to consider that, and wonder if she's the selfish one? Probably not.
I don't know you, but you do not sound like someone who deserves to be unhappy. Don't grin and bear it, you don't have to. You need to be firm with her, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that either she starts showing some respect and gratitude to you, and gives up the double standards, or you're going to walk. There's no need to threaten or shout or swear to get the message across (as I'm sure you already know), but you need to stick to your guns. If she starts crying, by all means tell her that you're sorry it's making her upset, but you can't lie to her or to yourself by pretending that you're okay with the way she's treating you.
I know it's a lot easier to give advice than take it, because when you're giving advice you're not wrapped in the emotions of the situation, and I know from experience that those emotions can have a huge hold and cloud what seems perfectly clear to those looking in. But you need to stand firm. You deserve respect in your relationship. It might be worth looking into counselling for yourself too, because you do seem to have low self-esteem and that should be addressed. You should never think that life is okay as long as it's only you in pain. It's not okay when anyone close to you is in pain - that includes yourself. Reach out for support, whether it's family and friends or a counsellor. Use the strength that they can give you to get the respect and love that you deserve.
Thanks a lot for your reply. What you're saying makes perfect sense, and like you've already said, it's a lot easier to give advice looking in from the outside - I've done this myself with friends many times before. It's like smacking them in the face with a huge stick, and it never works!
I greatly appreciate your words, but I've highlighted that particular paragraph because of something you said. You mentioned low self-esteem, and although it's something I've always thought I had, I've never thought about facing it head on.
Not only do I think I have low-self esteem, I also think I have major problems with my confidence. I was bullied throughout school, which I think might be why I settled down so soon - I took a shine to the first person who showed me any affection, and now she preys upon my weaknesses. My question is, does this low self-esteem/confidence explain why I'm more focused on helping/making other people happy than considering my own feelings, and does it also explain why I sometimes hate the way I look, even if I know I've tried my best? I'm always really concious about how I come across to other people, even though from one extreme to the next, I don't have any problems TALKING to new people.
I'm so confused!!
Thanks again for your reply. I greatly appreciate you taking the time out.
It's only natural that when you go through bullying, you'll hang on to the first person who shows you some affection. After all, here is someone who wants to be nice to you after so many people have mocked you and treated you like dirt, who wouldn't want to hold on to that! And it does give your confidence a huge lift, knowing that someone finds you attractive and wants to spend time with you. But that lift is only temporary, even if the person you're with is truly encouraging and kind and respectful. Confidence issues cannot be permanently fixed from the outside in, they need to be fixed from the inside out for a lasting effect. I've been there - I've tried to fix people, in fact at times I've been expected to. But I could have tried until I was blue in the face and it would have ultimately made no difference if they didn't face their issues and address them themselves. It's a lovely feeling to be able to help someone, but you need to be looked after too, and the first person who is responsible for your happiness is you.
You should look into counselling or therapy to help you come to terms with the bullying from school. Some people wonder what a gaggle of pathetic kids can possibly do to hurt you - my answer is, a hell of a lot. My low self-confidence as a result of bullying from school (not nearly as bad as some poor kids get it, but bad enough to affect me) meant that I ended up falling victim to it in work as well, still unable to stand up for myself, and then in my relationship, where I seemed to become more and more of a puppet each day.
You might find that you struggle for a while, even during counselling, but one day you'll have that lightbulb moment. That moment where you snap (not violently!), you suddenly think 'why am I putting up with this?', and you stand tall, say 'no', and prove that you're not taking any more nonsense. Those niggling feelings of guilt and self doubt that always betrayed you before suddenly evaporate, and you feel strong enough to take on the world.
I'm sorry, I've written another essay! Hopefully there's something valuable for you in there, I'm just sorry that you have to trudge through and sift it out!
:yes:
agreed
I have since found out however that he does NOT live with his girlfriend, and not only that, but he COOKED for my girlfriend and even asked her to STAY the night (sleeping in seperate rooms, however). I have also sinced found out that this was pre-arranged while I was in hospital!
She tells me she didn't stay the night, and I believe her but god I'm feeling all kinds of things.