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So Confused...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I've posted on here before about how I'm struggling to cope with my wife's mood swings and how I feel I have to walk on egg shells whenever I'm with her. I got paranoid that she was going to find my original message and guess it was about her so I removed it. But a month on the problem is still there so I'm going to try again and hopefully make it less obvious that it's about her.

To give you some background, we've been married for just under 2 years and have no kids. My wife has always had a temper but it seems to have gone through the roof since marriage and moving in together. She seems to be able to kick off for the most trivial things. It's impossible to argue back with her so most of the time I feel that I just have to agree with her to calm the situation. This grinds me down and makes me feel as if I'm getting told off like a little kid. I know I'm not stupid but I'm made to feel that way. And predictably all this bottling up eventually comes to a head and I stand up for myself and argue back, escalating the argument (which I eventually have to back down from anyway). My wife tells me it's all my fault and during arguments says that we should split - I don't believe for a second that she's serious about this. But at the moment being on my own seems really attractive.*

I don't know what to do. I haven't got any close friends that I feel I can talk to to ask for advice (and I also can't talk to my family about it). I doubt I even have the guts to end it - I just feel so small and useless at the moment.*

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Traditionally, everyone tends to think of women as the victims of abusive relationships. Sadly, it is not always the case. There have been several well documented instances of "celebrity" relationships where the man has been the victim of abuse of the type you are describing (sometimes even physical abuse, where the arguments have turned violent).

    Firstly, you need to talk to your wife to establish whether there might be an underlying medical/psychological problem for which treatment might be available. Or ... at the risk of inflaming the situation ... whether there is some aspect of your behaviour that she finds intolerable. Failing this, I would be inclined to seek marriage guidance. Sorry to say, but (and I have to put my hand up to this) when one or other partner is unhappy in the relationship, the easiest solution is sometimes to engineer disputes in the hopes that the other partner will eventually throw in the towel. The best long term solution might indeed be to go your separate ways.

    Good luck and best wishes.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your reply. I must admit I never thought of it as being an abusive relationship. I tend to associate abuse with being physical absue but you're right in that it can be psychological too. Do you have any suggestions about the best way to being up whether there's a underlying medical or psychological problem? I feel that I can't bring such a subject up outside of an argument for fear of starting one. And bringing it up inside an argument would be useless because there is no way that my wife would admit that the problem is anything to do with her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not knowing your situation other than what you have written here, it is a bit difficult to make any meaningful suggestion. However, with Valentines Day coming up, perhaps you could try spoiling your wife a bit (buy her roses/take her out to a nice restaurant ...?). If the result is a more relaxed atmosphere between you, you could try gently raising the subject of how you perceive your relationship has changed, how you still love her, and how you wish things could be as they were before ... Without in any way laying the blame at her door, see if you can get her to open up about how she feels and if there has been any catalyst causing this change in her behaviour. Be warned though, when we ask questions, we don't always like the answers ...

    The only other thing that occurs to me is, does your wife drink or take drugs? I don't mean to offend you with that question, but alcholism and drug addiction are probably the most common causes of volatile behaviour after depression - and some people are more adept at hiding the evidence than others.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No offence taken, it's a perfectly good question. But no, she rarely drinks and doesn't take drugs. Thanks for your suggestion. It's certainly something I'll consider. But relaxed atmosphere or not I would still think she's a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Maybe I should just take the chance and be pleasantly surprised... but I doubt it. Also it's not as if it's been a sudden change. She has always been fiery but it has just built up and got worse and worse. It's probably my fault for being weak and letting her get away with talking to me like this. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently but I can't.
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