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What to do
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Im really confused as to what to do. My close friend is having serious relationship issues, as in she is wanting to leave, however he is playing the guilt trip on her.
Basically they moved in together a few months back and it has turned nasty, both pyshically and mentally. Its got so bad that she has been hit and also had social services called because of her daughter. Ive told her to move out and she agrees but because of the violence it aint easy.
What advice can I give her and what can i do to help her more??
Basically they moved in together a few months back and it has turned nasty, both pyshically and mentally. Its got so bad that she has been hit and also had social services called because of her daughter. Ive told her to move out and she agrees but because of the violence it aint easy.
What advice can I give her and what can i do to help her more??
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Comments
She can get free, confidential advice and even get placed in protected accomodation, if required. It's best not to try and solve this on your own. She needs professional advice and care. Good luck.
The organisations that Teagan has listed are great, and you should definitely let your friend know about them. HOWEVER, it is very important that she keeps the fact that she's researching her options to herself. If she goes on the websites, you should make sure she knows how to clear her internet history or allow her to use your computer rather than her own.
In the meantime, there are a few things you can advise her to do:
- Have reponses and escape routes planned for crisis situations. If she feels able, letting a neighbour know what is happening and asking them to call 999 if they hear worrying sounds could save her life.
- Keep a small bag packed and hidden at all times, with ID for her and her daughter, some basic clothes, some money and important documents such as bank statements and copies of her housing contracts etc.
- Keep a record of the violence if possible, somewhere he is unlikely to look. This will be very useful if she later decides to take legal action against him.
- If things become violent, she should try to move to a room where there is access out of the building and where there are fewer dangerous items, i.e absolutely stay out of the kitchen and avoid rooms where she could potentially be locked in.
- Teach her daughter to call 999 in an emergency, and what to say (name, address, etc.). If she;s old enough, it's also a good idea to nominate a neighbour to which the girl should run if something kicks off.
She should know that the time when a woman is planning on leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous. If he suspects she is going to leave he will often increase the violence to intimidate her into staying.
A VITAL part of this is that when she leaves, she MUST take her daughter with her. She may not be able to return to get her, and if she is seen to have 'abandoned' her child with an abusive man she may not be able to have her living with her in the future.
And this is the bit you won't like: you can do very little beyond give her the above information and contact with Women's Aid or Refuge. Ultimately it has to be her decision to leave; the abuse and pressure often worsen for a significant period of time after a woman has left and if she isn't fully committed to her decision for herself, she may well end up returning 'for a quiet life'. Sounds crazy, but I've seen it happen many times. Support her, ensure she is well-informed, but you can't push her into leaving until she's absolutely ready, painful as it may be for you to watch.