Staying out of a controlling relationship

Hiya everyone, I've just got out of a very, very controlling relationship. In short, my (now ex-) partner had a huge bust up with my dad last year, and has since decided that my dad hated him and was plotting to break us up. So his solution was to insist that I disown my dad, or he'd go back to his wife (they have been separated for the duration of our relationship, but still live together with their young children. I must point out now that she is a very lovely woman and has been incredibly patient to put up with the situation).

At first I was willing to go along with it, I hadn't seen any of my family properly (bar my parents, and even those visits were scant) for almost a year at the time, so it was easy to convince myself that they wouldn't care or miss me if I cut them out. But my grandma (my dad's mother) sadly passed away at the start of the year, and after attending the funeral I realised that my family still loved me dearly, they weren't angry at all over the fact that I hadn't seen them and they gave me an immensely warm welcome. It was then I realised that I couldn't drop these wonderful, loving, caring people, and I certainly couldn't tell my dad never to contact me again. What if the next funeral was my dad's, or my mother's, and I'd upped and abandoned them over nothing more than a conspiracy theory? I didn't even believe that my dad was trying to split me and my partner up at all, and I didn't even believe that he hated my partner, despite knowing that the reason why I had been so absent over the year was because of this relationship, and despite knowing that, after a year, my partner still hadn't made any plans to move out of his house and begin the divorce proceedings with his wife. I knew that I had to ask my dad outright, and find out the truth once and for all.

My partner didn't like this. He wanted me to write a letter to my dad telling him never to contact me again, he even got his hair off a few days after I went to my grandma's funeral (my sister was there too, and she's another one on my partner's hate list. I haven't spoken to her for a year after a row, and I was forbidden to if I wanted my relationship to survive). He accused me of choosing my dad over him, even though the funeral was the first time I'd seen my dad in about two or three months and I saw my partner virtually every night of the week. :banghead: He said that if I spoke to my dad, it meant I approved of the things my dad said to him during their bust up (he did say some very horrible things, and I made it very clear how much his behaviour had disgusted me - but he had the guts to go up to my partner afterwards and apologise). He threatened to go back to his wife if I had any semblance of a relationship with my dad (then later he said that he'd ruined his marriage beyond repair for me and going back wasn't an option - effectively saying that he was stuck with me so I'd better do as he says). He said that I could still speak to my mum and all my other relations, just not my dad and sister (how in the name of God would that have been a comfortable arrangement?). I told him over the phone that if he wanted nothing to do with my dad, that was his choice and I wouldn't try to force him either way, but that he should be abe to accept that I have to have at least a distant relationship with my dad. I told him that my family comes as one pack, not several separate little bits to be sifted out and picked apart, and that I was not doing anything rash without at least finding out my dad's true opinion and finding out if he was plotting to split us up. My partner's response? 'F*** you then, we're finished'. I took him at his word, and switched my phone off. It hasn't been turned on now for 48 hours. It's the longest I've ever gone without speaking to him in eighteen months. I'd had enough, I'd snapped, and I didn't want to put up with another second of manipulation, threats or verbal abuse.

I was already at my parents house at the time of that phone call (I live alone in another town), waiting for my dad to come home from work so that I could talk to him. But now, when he came home, I simply told him that it was over. He confirmed everything that I believed - that he didn't hate my partner, despite me and my sister falling out because of the relationship (my dad's worst nightmare coming true), he had no intentions to interfere or sabotage the relationship, he wasn't happy about it but he acknowledged that I was an adult and capable of making my own decisions. All the conspiracy theories, the explosive arguments over how hateful and horrible my dad was for trying to ruin us, suddenly melted into the air. My partner's paranoia had killed us.

I decided that the safest option was to stay with my parents for the time being, as I didn't know what my partner would do, he can be unpredictable and has caused himself physical harm and damaged my property at the height of his tempers, so I didn't want him turning up when I was alone at my house. 24 hours after I switched my phone off, my partner's wife turned up at my parent's house. My dad answered the door and politely told her that I was with them and I was safe, but I didn't wish to speak with her at this time. She accepted this and went away. She must have gone to my house first, and found it empty, before looking up my parent's address and turning up to find me. Why?

The next morning, I heard the doorbell ring, and whoever was at the door didn't go away for a while. I went into my mum's bedroom and waited until I was certain that whoever was there had gone. There was a letter waiting on the doormat, addressed to me. It was from my partner, begging me to contact him, that the past 24 hours had been the worst in his life, that he had nothing without me (he has two daughters...), that I had his blessing to have a relationship with my dad, anything, as long as I came back to him. He said he was dying without me, his sunshine. But he also wrote that he was worrying that my dad was keeping me prisoner, he believed that my dad had confiscated my mobile phone, he begged me to 'break free'. My phone was, and still is, lying on the table in the living room, about 5 metres away from where I am sitting. I also realised, from what he had written, that his wife had hand delivered this letter. Why she hung around knocking for so long afterwards baffles me. What does she want to say to me? My partner told me, on several occasions, that his wife admitted she still loved him (he liked to save this one for arguments, because he knew it would hurt me). It's disturbing to think that she's trying to talk to her husband's ex-girlfriend, possibly with the intention of getting us back together. It makes me wonder why.

Basically, I need advice on how to stay strong. This letter really did tug at my heartstrings, and I do feel bad if he is genuinely suffering, and I believe that he is. But I can't go back into such an unhealthy relationship. There were so many other things pointing towards a controlling relationship, but telling me to cut out my dad was the pinnacle of them all. I was becoming unhappier every day, I had no choices of my own and no life of my own, I ended up losing all of my friends bar two, I almost lost my entire family, and he treated my feelings with total indifference (for example, not bothering to tell me that he was too tired for me to pick him up some nights, so that I'd just be sitting around, waiting for him to contact me and worrying. Or telling me that I was a nympho and a slag, insinuating that I would probably be off bedding every bloke in sight if his back was turned, then making fun of me when I got upset and not listening when I told him that I didn't find such comments funny at all). I need to know that staying away is the right thing to do. I'm 99% sure that it is, but I just need the support to stand my ground.

I'm sorry this was so long, it's a very long and painful story. Well done to everyone who manages to plough their way through it! All advice and support is very, very much appreciated. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing.