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I need to change.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey all,
There truely is no other solution, genuinely - I need to change.
I'm an 18 year old guy, if it holds any relevance.
You see, I am a generally "quiet" person - yet I seem to live a double life. At home, I feel free, I literally am the backbone of the house and I seem to be atleast 10x more confident and open to disclose my personality than one I leave that door. I've been "man of the house" since age 10 and truely since about 14. By the way, I'm not saying men are more "dominant" than women or superior - I am merely saying that I am the "alpha" and "protector" in the house (which is non gender exclusive), and feel secure. I'm very responsive to threats from outside such as any local robbery's, tend to do most of the maintainance work and feel a strong need to protect my family.
Once I'm either in work, or in any other external situation - if you knew me at home - you would think I were someone else. I become insular, perhaps perciveably (though not really) anti-social, and very activity focused. Very eager to please which is not anyone I actually am - because I'm actually a man of principles and willing to defend what I think is right.
Now people seem to like me, and I do get on with people, but it's all forced, and they still think of me as shy (I have been told multiple times, apparently thats "Just you're personality"). People very much like me as an associate, but I never, ever get any further ie. as a friend. As I guy, I guess I'm expected to banter, but I haven't done that since I was about 12 so I guess old habits die hard. Suffice to say, I no longer "get it". My general percived image is that of someone who is timid and willing to yeild to the demands of others so not to cause argument - and that seems to be the case. I'm very sensitive for a guy, and no I'm not gay if that superficial stereotype means anything to anyone.
I feel like a social failure, but I know I'm not. I interact with people, especially strangers very successfully - I do my utmost best to create good first impressions with potential future friends. I can walk up to a randomer in the street and make them feel like I'm someone they like but upon second, and future meetings I completely appear to be an undesirable, just because I can't do small talk. Apparently I am "too serious" not in what I say but my behavior and the way I am, talk etc.
I just seem to lack the capacity to project the personality I actually have.
I also seem to place extreme value on privacy - I hate having workpeople, family or any other people in the house - not for any other reason other than they supposedly infringe on my right to be myself in the one place I am and sap my confidence.
Any help?
There truely is no other solution, genuinely - I need to change.
I'm an 18 year old guy, if it holds any relevance.
You see, I am a generally "quiet" person - yet I seem to live a double life. At home, I feel free, I literally am the backbone of the house and I seem to be atleast 10x more confident and open to disclose my personality than one I leave that door. I've been "man of the house" since age 10 and truely since about 14. By the way, I'm not saying men are more "dominant" than women or superior - I am merely saying that I am the "alpha" and "protector" in the house (which is non gender exclusive), and feel secure. I'm very responsive to threats from outside such as any local robbery's, tend to do most of the maintainance work and feel a strong need to protect my family.
Once I'm either in work, or in any other external situation - if you knew me at home - you would think I were someone else. I become insular, perhaps perciveably (though not really) anti-social, and very activity focused. Very eager to please which is not anyone I actually am - because I'm actually a man of principles and willing to defend what I think is right.
Now people seem to like me, and I do get on with people, but it's all forced, and they still think of me as shy (I have been told multiple times, apparently thats "Just you're personality"). People very much like me as an associate, but I never, ever get any further ie. as a friend. As I guy, I guess I'm expected to banter, but I haven't done that since I was about 12 so I guess old habits die hard. Suffice to say, I no longer "get it". My general percived image is that of someone who is timid and willing to yeild to the demands of others so not to cause argument - and that seems to be the case. I'm very sensitive for a guy, and no I'm not gay if that superficial stereotype means anything to anyone.
I feel like a social failure, but I know I'm not. I interact with people, especially strangers very successfully - I do my utmost best to create good first impressions with potential future friends. I can walk up to a randomer in the street and make them feel like I'm someone they like but upon second, and future meetings I completely appear to be an undesirable, just because I can't do small talk. Apparently I am "too serious" not in what I say but my behavior and the way I am, talk etc.
I just seem to lack the capacity to project the personality I actually have.
I also seem to place extreme value on privacy - I hate having workpeople, family or any other people in the house - not for any other reason other than they supposedly infringe on my right to be myself in the one place I am and sap my confidence.
Any help?
0
Comments
Not sure I totally understand. Are you saying that you leave your home "persona" behind when you close the door?
OK. Sounds like most people in an office situation.
Now I'm getting confused. You sometimes banter with "other girls" and "old habits die hard" - but you are a guy? Just banter with whom you feel most comfortable with. Myself (middle-aged woman), it's always been men - never "boys/guys". Men. Even in my 20's. Led to a disastrous first marriage, but wouldn't change anything now. I just get on better with men than I do with women. I'm a petrol-head and would rather talk motorbikes/cars/boats/travel than shopping/lunching. It's just who I am.
Decide who you are and don't try to change to attract a woman. There will be someone out there for you. If you have particular interests/ hobbies, follow them and be open/proud of them. In the meantime, don't try to impress women who aren't interested. Be cool. Enjoy yourself. Gain self-confidence. You are only 18. (I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19.) Lasting relationships are worth waiting for. Don't panic.
Hey,
I have refined my post whist you were replying to express what I meant. Btw am not experienceing any sexual confidence issues, just related to normal, friend relationships, which is all I'm currently interested in.
In which case, I think you need a reality check. You say that you have "literally" been the backbone of your household since the age of 10 ... alpha male and protector since the age of 14. Dude! Just because you might be the only male family member, it doesn't make you alpha male, even if your mother called you the "man of the house". OK, you are 18 now, but maturity didn't happen automatically on your 18th birthday. Your lack of confidence outside the home is evidence of this. You may think you are pretty smart, but 12-year-old banter isn't going to hack it in an adult world. Hang out with your workmates. If you can't do small talk, listen. Learn. Grow up.
Totally in agreement with this though as I think it does also relate to the friendships you're talking about Stephen.
If you feel you're bad at small talk, practice practice practice. Just say stuff and sometimes it comes across as stupid but then the trick is to learn from it, put mistakes behind you and move on.
I have been working on social issues for a long time and I still often struggle to feel I can behave 'like normal'. Like you I can be a lot different with friends and those I don't know as well. I spent my first year at work being very quiet but gradually I'm starting to get more comfortable and as I get to know my workmates better I talk more and the interaction is greater.
And this shouldn't be something that will necessarily have to get in your way professionally. I'm an Air Traffic Controller and usually pretty calm and quiet but if somebody pisses me off or defies what I know is right when it matters I'm a mega bitch and never back down
For me the key to getting confident at work is knowing my shit. That way if people say something I know is not right I can stand my ground without hesitation.
Also, don't forget that often it's better to not say anything than to sprout some bullshit that everybody around you knows is wrong. I know some people like that and damn it's annoying to listen to them.
Experience is also a huge huge factor! Go out, do things, experience life. That's what gives you something to talk about. :thumb:
Yes. I can see that now, and I apologise. However, I do think there is something about Stephen's lack of confidence in respect of his workplace, colleagues and meeting friends outside work, that suggests immaturity.
Stephen, my suggestion is that you have, for whatever reason, been led to believe that you were unusually mature for your age and that you were a real "man" at 14. What seems to have happened is that the adult world outside your door has come as a bit of a rude shock. Jaloux and ATAWAAL have it right. In order to make friends, you need to move out of your comfort zone and experience life. Friends will come along in their own good time, but not if you hide away in your room.
Again, I apologise for being patronising. That wasn't my intention.
I understand what you are speaking of.....i find myself more comfortable in conversations if you use current issues......anywhere that is a big topic, music, news, the future, hobbies etc, use them becuase you can put your own opinion in and it can turn out to be a very broad conversation that leads off to many different things and you can see what similarities there are for a good friendship. Also, relax, trust me it works, speaking from experience, and remember that everyone is still learning new things.
Good luck-RELAX!-XX:)