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Relationship mess, I think I love 2 people
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I really need some impartial advice, as there is no one I can talk to about this. It is a very messy situation I found myself in, and have no idea how to process everything I am feeling.
I have been with my boyfriend for a very long time... almost 11 years, and apart from a slight indiscretion on his part 6 years ago we have been mainly happy.
He works away a lot and over the past year I have found myself questioning if this is the real thing. If I have wasted a large part of my life staying with a man who has to work away so much. I have waited for marriage proposals and talk of babies, but he has always been reluctant. For the large part, I miss him when he is not here, and always look forward to him coming home. But over the past 6 months I have found myself enjoying the time apart from him. Old friends have now got back in touch through social networking sites and it's been great to reminice on my life before my boyfriend.
Sex is a mixed emotion....when he is home we have a lot of sex, but at times, I find myself daydreaming during intercourse. He is constantly attracted to me, and it is clear he loves me, for him it doesn't take much to get in the mood for sex but it takes me much longer to get in the mood. Although I begin to enjoy sex with him the mood fades and for the past year I can count how many times I have actually orgasmed and lost count at how many times I have had to pretend... I know this is not right. At first I just put it down to a lull in our relationship. After nearly 11 years it must be quite common to get bored in the bedroom right?
We have tried spicing it up a little which sometimes works...... but not all the time
He is a good guy, extremely supportive and caring and would pretty much do anything for me.... I feel lucky to have such a guy so dedicated to me.....
Then there is the dilema...
I have been chatting on an off for the past 2 years to my childhood sweetheart and former best friend. We remained friends as much as possible despite being split up by forces beyond our control at 17 years old, in which we were both devastated. It is true that you never forget your first love, and my mind has never been far from him throughout the past 12+ years of being apart. My boyfriend knows all about this person, as they were around in the sidelines of my life through mutual friends and saw what the breakup did to both of us. Our paths went in completely different directions, with me being able to pick myself up and move on the best I could. The path was not so easy for my former love.
Last night however, I received an email from him, after a 6 month break of no contact at all, telling me he is still not over me and despite me being in a long term relationship he can't keep pretending he's moved on any more. He cut himself off from me for 6 months so as to not place me in a difficult situation by having to hurt him and tell him I didn't love him and hadn't for a very long time.
We chatted online for nearly 5 hours, talking through our hurt when we had to end things, our lives now, talking through the positive memories we had of each other, and also the not so positives. It was the most emotinal conversation of my life. It was my chance in nearly 14 years to talk openly and try to put closure on our bittersweet history.
We ended up sobbing down the phone to each other and talking for hours. to the point where I couldn't bear to put the phone down and say goodbye.
I still love him, always have, and probably always will. There was an unbreakable bond between us emotionally that couldn't be broken despite our having to break up.
I have spent the whole day in turmoil..... questioning my life with my trustworthy, hardworking boyfriend, or whether i should discover my true feelings for my former love.
The thought of seeing him, spending time face to face, and holding him again send my pulse racing and gives me butterflys. Then I feel guilty for even thinking such things when i am already in a steady relationship, that I have taken 11 years to build.
He is currently single and has absolutely nothing to lose, where I have the last 11 years of love, friends, family and home to lose. I am trying to fight the temptation to meet with him, before I can process these fellings, as I already know it will hard enough to keep it strictly platonic.
I would really appreciate some advice from someone. Due to the close nature of our circle of friends i can't talk to anyone about this.
Thanks
I have been with my boyfriend for a very long time... almost 11 years, and apart from a slight indiscretion on his part 6 years ago we have been mainly happy.
He works away a lot and over the past year I have found myself questioning if this is the real thing. If I have wasted a large part of my life staying with a man who has to work away so much. I have waited for marriage proposals and talk of babies, but he has always been reluctant. For the large part, I miss him when he is not here, and always look forward to him coming home. But over the past 6 months I have found myself enjoying the time apart from him. Old friends have now got back in touch through social networking sites and it's been great to reminice on my life before my boyfriend.
Sex is a mixed emotion....when he is home we have a lot of sex, but at times, I find myself daydreaming during intercourse. He is constantly attracted to me, and it is clear he loves me, for him it doesn't take much to get in the mood for sex but it takes me much longer to get in the mood. Although I begin to enjoy sex with him the mood fades and for the past year I can count how many times I have actually orgasmed and lost count at how many times I have had to pretend... I know this is not right. At first I just put it down to a lull in our relationship. After nearly 11 years it must be quite common to get bored in the bedroom right?
We have tried spicing it up a little which sometimes works...... but not all the time
He is a good guy, extremely supportive and caring and would pretty much do anything for me.... I feel lucky to have such a guy so dedicated to me.....
Then there is the dilema...
I have been chatting on an off for the past 2 years to my childhood sweetheart and former best friend. We remained friends as much as possible despite being split up by forces beyond our control at 17 years old, in which we were both devastated. It is true that you never forget your first love, and my mind has never been far from him throughout the past 12+ years of being apart. My boyfriend knows all about this person, as they were around in the sidelines of my life through mutual friends and saw what the breakup did to both of us. Our paths went in completely different directions, with me being able to pick myself up and move on the best I could. The path was not so easy for my former love.
Last night however, I received an email from him, after a 6 month break of no contact at all, telling me he is still not over me and despite me being in a long term relationship he can't keep pretending he's moved on any more. He cut himself off from me for 6 months so as to not place me in a difficult situation by having to hurt him and tell him I didn't love him and hadn't for a very long time.
We chatted online for nearly 5 hours, talking through our hurt when we had to end things, our lives now, talking through the positive memories we had of each other, and also the not so positives. It was the most emotinal conversation of my life. It was my chance in nearly 14 years to talk openly and try to put closure on our bittersweet history.
We ended up sobbing down the phone to each other and talking for hours. to the point where I couldn't bear to put the phone down and say goodbye.
I still love him, always have, and probably always will. There was an unbreakable bond between us emotionally that couldn't be broken despite our having to break up.
I have spent the whole day in turmoil..... questioning my life with my trustworthy, hardworking boyfriend, or whether i should discover my true feelings for my former love.
The thought of seeing him, spending time face to face, and holding him again send my pulse racing and gives me butterflys. Then I feel guilty for even thinking such things when i am already in a steady relationship, that I have taken 11 years to build.
He is currently single and has absolutely nothing to lose, where I have the last 11 years of love, friends, family and home to lose. I am trying to fight the temptation to meet with him, before I can process these fellings, as I already know it will hard enough to keep it strictly platonic.
I would really appreciate some advice from someone. Due to the close nature of our circle of friends i can't talk to anyone about this.
Thanks
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Comments
I totally agree with you. We are two very different people to what we were. He would love for us to start afresh, brand new life away from our current ones....
He wants us to meet up and talk more, which I am scared of doing, as I think I know what would happen if we did meet up. The passion would be immense.
I have never been in a situation like this before and feel absolutely terrible. Like I have already cheated on my boyfriend by only just talking to this guy.
I love my boyfriend so very dearly, but there is no deep passion. And it scares me how much there is between my former love and me even though we haven't even seen each other yet.....
I'm a complete mess!
This really helps Muzzsjm. Thankyou for your advice. I have a lot of soulsearching to do.
When I think about ending things with my boyfriend I feel a great loss, I just don't know if its because I am so used to having him in my life. 11 years is a long time. Or if it is because he truely is the one for me.
I need some time to think things through, and perhaps its a good thing my man is away again at the moment. Give me some time to get my head sorted.
Do you think I should cut contact with my former flame? give me some space?
He keeps calling and texting me telling me how much he loves me but doesn't want to pressure me....he wants me to meet him somewhere public to just talk, but I just don't know if that is going to help. I feel pressured...
You have been really helpful thankyou... I truely appreciate it. Its good to know I can get some great impartial advice from someone.
And you are completely right about keeping in contact with him...its definitely like cheating...emotionally at least.... and I am pretty sure my self control would be tested if I met with him. That clearly wouldn't help matters at this stage. I have never cheated on my boyfriend, and until now the thought of doing that never crossed my mind...it would destroy him, and can't bear that. He is such a good man, and doesn't deserve to be hurt that way. I know how it feels to be betrayed as my boyfriend did it to me 6 years ago. I forgave him completely and vowed that it would be something I would never do.
I have a lot of decisions ahead of me....
Thankyou for your support and advice
Fair enough things could go terribly wrong with the first love, but if you'll only regret not doing anything further down the line then you might as well do something!
I don't know......I have been so confused by it all for a while....it comes in phases, when he is home and things are good, I can't bear the thought of leaving him, then when he is away.... (which is often)....I start questioning if this is going anywhere.... I desperately want to start a family and even think about marriage plans.....time is ticking for me now I'm in my 30's........ but when I mention talking about these issues he seems reluctant.....I know he feels us having a baby while he has to work away so much would place a lot of pressure on me, as he wouldn't be here all the time to help me. And I kind of understand his point of view.... but i wish he would embrace the idea of planning for it....even if it is 12 months down the line....I need to know it will happen....not just maybe....
I have tried to cut contact for the past 48 hours from my old flame, but he is constantly texting and asking me if I'm ok.... I just don't know whether to text him to tell him I am fine but need some headspace....
But I miss talking to him....he's was my best friend aswell as an old love.... it's taking a lot of strength to keep from replying to his texts......
I feel helpless at the moment.
OK
so he phoned me earlier and we chatted and cried a hell of a lot. I told him I was feeling so confused by the whole mess... that i will probably always love him, but these feelings are petrifying me. It is so new to me, and without risking hurting my boyfriend, him, and me I can't continue talking to him until I had sorted through everything in my head and heart.
He understood, and is taking a huge step back. He apologised for turning my life upside down, that it is wrong of him to walk back into my life and want me to be with him. He will always love me, and when you love someone, the best ting is to let them go.....
mixed with relief that i can begin to sort through my emotions, I am completely heartbroken now....and even more confused.....have I made the wong decision in allowing him to step back? And my boyfriend? I know I can't hurt him, and I really don't think I can leave him..... but I am so desperately sad that I may have lost the love I should have had....
i suggest you keep that lost love lost. it will add colour to you life.
No, you've not made the wrong decision in allowing him to step back, that's the right decision. But you need to use this time to work out exactly where you are.
Basically, you're heart isn't happy where it is. The heart has you've latched onto the lost love as a fix for the problem - the problem is the heart isn't very good at thinking.
You need to take the hint that the situation needs fixing, but ignore the suggested fix.
I'd strongly suggest that you try to work out how to fix up your existing relationship, but that might not be possible.
If you do decide the feelings you have for your first love are too grat to think clearly I'd suggest you do meet up with him behind your partners back, to separeate out infatuation and remembered emotions from reality. Doing this will be at a terrible cost, but will hopefully allow you to make a clear headed decision about your future - which in th long run is probably fairer for everyone than your curerent situatiion.
This is so helpful.. Thankyou so much!
I am going to spend this time to think clearly through, what my heart is telling me.
You are spot on with the seperating the infatuation with reality. I just don't know if it is my heart desperately trying to latch onto something that makes it feel alive again... or if it is genuine affection and love I feel.
I really want to try and figure this out on my own, if it is possible for me to do that. I hope by doing so I can reduce the amount of hurt for either party involved and myself in the process.... all said and done, its pretty much guaranteed that someone is likely to get hurt..... perhaps all of us.....
Ok so its been a few days since I last came on here...
I have been doing nothing but think this whole mess through...Do I stay where I am and re-commit to my releationship with my BF....or leave? After weighing up my feelings anout staying with my boyfriend, or braving the storm and having some time on my own as a single woman for the first time in 11 years I think I was beginning to come to a decision to stay in my relationship. Thepros of being with him outweighed the cons.
I have tried desperately hard not to call/text my ex.....and until last night I have been doing really well.
He called me, and we chatted for a really long time. I was worried there would be pressure from his side to make a decision...but there was none....He made it clear of his feelings for me, but didn't try to co-erce me into meeting with him or choose him in any way.
The conversation got very emotional...we were both crying for the most part.....it was heated, and full of emotion, to the point where I couldn't bear to come off the phone and say goodbye..... He told me he loved me, always would. I told him I would always love him, and although I love my BF I needed to see him face to face to explain my feelings, even though I made it clear that the final outcome may not be one he would want to hear, and if he felt it best not to go down that route, to protect his own feelings, I would be fine. He agreed to meet, somewhere public so we can just talk.....
I am feeling huge amounts of guilt, as I feel now like I have cheated on my BF having just aggreed to meet with him.
Even though my heart is telling me I am so wrong to do this, I feel it may lead to closure on a long chapter of my life that was never really finished.
I am of mixed feelings again..... I cannot end my relationship, my BF is a wonderful guy, and I do truely love him, but feel I need closure......
What petrifies me is what happens if my feelings for my old flame spill out when I see him?
HELP!
Bollocks was there none.
He said he was going to give you space, then piled this on. YOU DON'T NEED THIS WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO SORT IT OUT.
He may very well be the right thing for you, but just now he's been an asshat.
From what you write it doesn't sound like you're in a bad relationship. However, you seem unhappy that he won't talk about starting a family or marrying. This is something you need to talk to him about and get answers. Could there be a change in him not being away so much from you?
You hinted at your ex having gone a different route than you which is something that caught my eye. I kinda wondered if he's single and miserable and jumping at a chance to rekindle something he doesn't have. Like you said, he stands to lose nothing so it's easy for him to harass you and push you towards making a tough decision.
I say put your priorities right, you say the pros of your current relationship outweight the cons, why don't you get honest with your bloke and make him understand that a family is what you want and you want to know if it will happen with him. If he cannot or will not provide you with that it is going to put a dent in your relationship that probably won't be healed anyway so better sort that out first.
You are completely right. I called off meeting him today, he was getting pretty full on, telling me that he isn't going to give up easily, that he isn't losing this chance to be with me, he wants to prove that he loves me, he knows I love him, and that eventually we will be together...
It's got me really freaked out..... I know i care for him, and I always will, but I know for me to be able to deal with ME and MY feelings I can't speak to him...
He is completely gutted I have cancelled today, and has sent me 3 texts asking me to just give him a chance...
I don't think I am strong enough emotionally for that just yet.... If I saw him, I would want him..... and I don't want to go there while I am still in a relationship.
I feel like I have cheated enough by just talking to him.....
I still urge you to talk to your boyfriend and talk about what sort of future you two want with each other. If what you have now is all he wants then maybe you're starting to drift apart.
I feel better for not meeting him, but it's also been very hard. He has been up and down in his emotions over the past few days. One day he calls me pleading with me to meet him, telling me he can't let me go, he loves me and to just give him a chance to make me happy, then another he is telling me he is sorry he has messed up my life enough as it is, that I should just go on as if hadn't told me how he felt...... he got really upset last night when we were talking on the phone, opening up to me about exactly what went on when we parted 13 years ago. To the point of me breaking down. I had no idea what had gone on all those years ago, and the extent to what it cost him and his young adult life..... He had to sacrifice a lot while I was kept oblivious of what was going on. Whenever I talked about him everyone would just clam up. Friends of ours, family, even my boyfriend (although we were just friends back then) kept the truth of what he was going through from me.... And only now after years of asking him what happened was he able to begin to tell me the truth... It has completely devastated me...
My boyfriend comes back home at the weekend, and I have some very difficult things to talk through with him. Am really nervous about it. Its the not knowing how he feels that is scary. I know I love him dearly, he has been my rock for over a decade and (even before that when we were simply friends). I just have this gut wrenching feeling that he is not in the same place as me when it comes down to moving our lives forward with marriage and kids.... The thought of him refusing to do this is sickening.... as I know if that is the case I will have to be brave and let him go....I have reached a time in my life when time is ticking for me....
I think I have made the decision that even if we do have to end things, I think it would be good for me to take time for myself, learn to be a single woman again....(That thought terrifies me), and find ME again.... I think i have been lost for a long time... I have told me old flame this, and he understands my thoughts for this, but he has also said that it would be hard for him to know I was single and not with him....
I'm not saying that your old love is the answer (he sounds a bit unstable to me), but he has woken you up to the reality of your feelings towards your bf. I think it is time to cut your losses and be single again while you still have a chance to have the relationship you crave with a new Mr Right.
Good luck.