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Coming to terms with long-term relationship breakdown.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all,
I'm not entirely sure why I'm here but I don't know what else to do. I have been in a relationship for just under five years with my boyfriend who I met in uni. We lived together for the first two and a half years, however these last years we've been apart as I returned home to get a job as I did not have the money to remain in my universirty town. We were planning on moving out together next year, although I was slightly unsettled about this as I'd be moving back to somewhere I have no support network and if something went wrong I'd be stuck.
We've had some problems, it's a long-distance relationship and we don't see each other that often. He comes down once a month, and I go up there once a month, so we see each other two weekends a month.
I saw him this weekend, and it wasn't the best weekend. I was stressed, and he was stressed. Then on Saturday things seemed better, but on Sunday he told me he was going to break up with me. I was on a train to London at the time in full view of everyone else on the train. I started crying, and did for most that day. He tried to take it back, and says he didn't mean it but still it hurt me. It's fair to say after that I was distant, and he returned home that evening.
I got home and sent him a text, I got the feeling he was still not happy. Then at 4am I awoke to find he'd text me to tell me It was over.He's again saying he doesn't know if he means it. I really don't understand why he's saying this now. He says he wants children, I'm only 23 and don't know if I want that in the future, he wants me to move to be with him and find a new job but I can't really just uproot and do that. I'm at a loss.
He still tells me he loves me, and I love him but I don't know why he's saying this. I know it's a long-distance relationship, but it's not like I haven't taken steps to prepare for a move. It's just a lot to ask. I've been with him so long and I really don't know what to do. I have no social support network where I live, most of my friends are in Kent and are also his friends. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do really. This is my first relationship, I've never cheated and I don't believe he has either. I just don't understand what's gone wrong. Any advice would be good, I'm so lost. I don't know whether I could fix this.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm here but I don't know what else to do. I have been in a relationship for just under five years with my boyfriend who I met in uni. We lived together for the first two and a half years, however these last years we've been apart as I returned home to get a job as I did not have the money to remain in my universirty town. We were planning on moving out together next year, although I was slightly unsettled about this as I'd be moving back to somewhere I have no support network and if something went wrong I'd be stuck.
We've had some problems, it's a long-distance relationship and we don't see each other that often. He comes down once a month, and I go up there once a month, so we see each other two weekends a month.
I saw him this weekend, and it wasn't the best weekend. I was stressed, and he was stressed. Then on Saturday things seemed better, but on Sunday he told me he was going to break up with me. I was on a train to London at the time in full view of everyone else on the train. I started crying, and did for most that day. He tried to take it back, and says he didn't mean it but still it hurt me. It's fair to say after that I was distant, and he returned home that evening.
I got home and sent him a text, I got the feeling he was still not happy. Then at 4am I awoke to find he'd text me to tell me It was over.He's again saying he doesn't know if he means it. I really don't understand why he's saying this now. He says he wants children, I'm only 23 and don't know if I want that in the future, he wants me to move to be with him and find a new job but I can't really just uproot and do that. I'm at a loss.
He still tells me he loves me, and I love him but I don't know why he's saying this. I know it's a long-distance relationship, but it's not like I haven't taken steps to prepare for a move. It's just a lot to ask. I've been with him so long and I really don't know what to do. I have no social support network where I live, most of my friends are in Kent and are also his friends. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do really. This is my first relationship, I've never cheated and I don't believe he has either. I just don't understand what's gone wrong. Any advice would be good, I'm so lost. I don't know whether I could fix this.
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Comments
I hope this helps, I picked this book up and its helped me so much. I couldn't find it on amazon but you should be able to get it from ebay.
The thing is he's saying he wants to break up, but then isn't sure. But if everything was ok why would he be saying he wants to break up? A lot of people have difficulty actually breaking up because they still love the other person (but other things are wrong), and don't want to hurt the other person.
Maybe I am pessimistic right now in my life but the outlook doesn't look good. I would suggest its the kind of thing you both need to sit down and say 'at the end of this conversation we are going to have a resolution, either to stay together or to split up' and just go through things. It can be really difficult - I know - but it is better than believing you have something that isn't really there and torturing yourself when they're not as committed as you
Obviously this is a tough situation. You are apart and the stress of it all seems to be affecting the relationship. Communication in couples is very important, especially in a long-distance relationships. It is important for you to tell your partner how you feel, and how his actions are hurting you. Perhaps breaking up with you every time there is an argument is his way of handling things, and if you talk about this it could help his way of handling the situation better.
It must be hard to feel like you do not have your friends here for you, however, if they are simply away, speaking to them on the phone can make you feel much better. Also going out and making new friends and meeting new people might help you feel like you have a life where you are - and not just where you used to be.
Good luck
Just wanted to say big hug. I understand that he may feel confused but it really isn't fair to do that to you in a public place such as a train and it isn't fair on you for him to keep changing his mind. I know you said that you were both stressed this weekend. When do you both see eachother next? Could you arrange to see eachother sooner? It's just I know from experience that talking about important matters on the phone/msn/email really doesn't work. You can't see the other person's face and it's so easy to get mixed messages. A straight-forward chat seems to be needed where you can just get everything off of your chest and so can he.
Him wanting you to move in is tricky. It seems a lot to ask when he is showing all of this uncertainty at the moment. Maybe a compromise would be to put that idea on hold for now until this rocky patch is over and you feel more confident about your relationship. If you're in an unhappy place right now both in your relationship and feeling that you have no support network. This is my opinion but I think you both need to feel mutually stable before you can take a big step forward like this.
I really hope things get better for you soon. It really isn't a nice position he is putting you in at the moment with all this uncertainty and early text messages. I hope he realises this and gets his act together, and that this is just a blip.
Take care.
you need to talk it out with him about the realistics of your future together, and what you are prepared to do for the other. if he is still unsure or will not recipocate; don't move.
al the best.