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A Brief History of Me!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey! I would like some perspectives on the state of the field of my relationship right now, I will try to be as impartial as possible 
So a brief backstory is: I met my girly online and loved her personality, we met up after like 2 years of knowing each other online and it was awesome, we loved each other as much in reality as online - result!
Now the major problem was she lived in denmark and i lived in the UK, there was a loose plan at the start of the relationship for her to move over to the UK since its easier for her to move there than me move to denmark.
4 months later she said she was not going to leave Denmark because she would not leave her mother - her dad died when she was 9 and she needed more time to decide.
3 months after that she said i could either move to denmark or it was over (in a nutshell, she was not that mean or pressing)
In august 2008 I moved to denmark and things were really quite brilliant except for the sex life which kinda went 3 days on 2 months off, sex is not that important to me so it didnt affect things so badly i wanted to break up with her.
After 10 months of applying and failing to get jobs in denmark my permit ran out and i had to go home, also my mum almost died but my dad concealed that from me so i would not come rushing home.
During this time i hate to look like a big head but i think i have been a pretty decent boyfriend - i have never ever pressured her for sex, blackmailed her for anything, i have written her bad poetry, ive told her i love her every day, i did all the household stuff and never hurt her once with anything that i did.
<cut of a long boring story about being at home>
Fast forward to 15th december in the last 5 months ive rebuilt a life and sorted myself out, i have a job which i can do abroad and i am going back to denmark! woohoo!
From the moment i arrived in denmark there has been an overwhelming feeling of indifferance to me and i mean real indifferance as in we have had around about 10 conversations in 5 weeks. The general thing that happens is this:
Me: "I am going to the ATM, will it take my card you think?"
Her: "mm"
Me: "Good! Will it charge?"
Her: "Yeah"
Me: "Any idea how much?"
Her: "mm"
Me: "Then how much?"
Her: "I don't know."
All the time not looking at me - this can be applied to any conversation too - the phrases 'yeah' 'no' 'mm' 'i don't know.' and she never EVER initiates conversation.
If i ask if i look good before we go out she wont even look and go 'mm' as a reply.
Now onto bedtime - i have a job thats mainly evening and goes till 1am local time, in general she will go to bed 20 minutes before the end of my shift and make sure she feigns sleep.
If its an offnight where i can go to bed with her she will lie down and.. well its kinda on her front, with the cover over her showing only her eyes and her leg pointing out at me.
Now to claify i never pressure her for sex, i just want a hug/kiss goodnight, if i make a move she moves away until she falls down the gap between the bed and the wall.
Essentially i have just realised as i have been writing this that we could just as well not be boyfriend and girlfriend
but hey ho!
Last week i kinda snapped and told her straight, very straight without swearing but with some ruthless words that i felt she didnt want me to be there and "did she want me to just fuck off home" and she said no.
She wants me to get a job in denmark - with record unemployment and i speak bare bones of danish - and get my own friends here before she will feel comfortable. (at first i wrote treat me like a person)
Now i have been and have always been attentive, if she wants to be left alone i go away, if she wants to do something no matter what it is i support the idea even if i think its really stupid, i never ever do things that affect her without asking her permission, never bullied her, never pressured her, tried to make her laugh and tried to be surprising.
So how the fuck did i end up here?
So a brief backstory is: I met my girly online and loved her personality, we met up after like 2 years of knowing each other online and it was awesome, we loved each other as much in reality as online - result!
Now the major problem was she lived in denmark and i lived in the UK, there was a loose plan at the start of the relationship for her to move over to the UK since its easier for her to move there than me move to denmark.
4 months later she said she was not going to leave Denmark because she would not leave her mother - her dad died when she was 9 and she needed more time to decide.
3 months after that she said i could either move to denmark or it was over (in a nutshell, she was not that mean or pressing)
In august 2008 I moved to denmark and things were really quite brilliant except for the sex life which kinda went 3 days on 2 months off, sex is not that important to me so it didnt affect things so badly i wanted to break up with her.
After 10 months of applying and failing to get jobs in denmark my permit ran out and i had to go home, also my mum almost died but my dad concealed that from me so i would not come rushing home.
During this time i hate to look like a big head but i think i have been a pretty decent boyfriend - i have never ever pressured her for sex, blackmailed her for anything, i have written her bad poetry, ive told her i love her every day, i did all the household stuff and never hurt her once with anything that i did.
<cut of a long boring story about being at home>
Fast forward to 15th december in the last 5 months ive rebuilt a life and sorted myself out, i have a job which i can do abroad and i am going back to denmark! woohoo!
From the moment i arrived in denmark there has been an overwhelming feeling of indifferance to me and i mean real indifferance as in we have had around about 10 conversations in 5 weeks. The general thing that happens is this:
Me: "I am going to the ATM, will it take my card you think?"
Her: "mm"
Me: "Good! Will it charge?"
Her: "Yeah"
Me: "Any idea how much?"
Her: "mm"
Me: "Then how much?"
Her: "I don't know."
All the time not looking at me - this can be applied to any conversation too - the phrases 'yeah' 'no' 'mm' 'i don't know.' and she never EVER initiates conversation.
If i ask if i look good before we go out she wont even look and go 'mm' as a reply.
Now onto bedtime - i have a job thats mainly evening and goes till 1am local time, in general she will go to bed 20 minutes before the end of my shift and make sure she feigns sleep.
If its an offnight where i can go to bed with her she will lie down and.. well its kinda on her front, with the cover over her showing only her eyes and her leg pointing out at me.
Now to claify i never pressure her for sex, i just want a hug/kiss goodnight, if i make a move she moves away until she falls down the gap between the bed and the wall.
Essentially i have just realised as i have been writing this that we could just as well not be boyfriend and girlfriend
but hey ho!Last week i kinda snapped and told her straight, very straight without swearing but with some ruthless words that i felt she didnt want me to be there and "did she want me to just fuck off home" and she said no.
She wants me to get a job in denmark - with record unemployment and i speak bare bones of danish - and get my own friends here before she will feel comfortable. (at first i wrote treat me like a person)
Now i have been and have always been attentive, if she wants to be left alone i go away, if she wants to do something no matter what it is i support the idea even if i think its really stupid, i never ever do things that affect her without asking her permission, never bullied her, never pressured her, tried to make her laugh and tried to be surprising.
So how the fuck did i end up here?
0
Comments
As i said at the end i did tell her how i was feeling and it really has not changed anything :impissed:
Its hard not to get angry at the whole thing really, i guess im good at passive agressive
I want us to be a normal couple who give each othe hugs and mean it,
I dont want to have to ask for a kiss and then get no feeling in it,
I want to be able to have a conversation that is not just a series of statements being replied to with 'mm' 'yes' 'no' 'i dont know'
I just want to be as normal as a couple gets, to be able to put my arm around her and not have her shove it off.
I want to be treated like I exist :yeees:
Then I recon I'll be happy!
or is it possible she has heard not so nice things about you? if not then it really seems like she is treating you unfairly and i dont think you need to hang on to someone like that without confronting her and insisting it changes. i hate to say it but is it possible she has met someone else are you overlooking any obvious signs?
sorry to sound negative but thats what i would say to a friend
I think there might be a little paranoia creeping in, but on the other hand it is only magnifying the issues that are there. All I can personally suggest is that you stick at it, meet her needs and see if problems are still there. Trying to have the same sort of chats you have allready had, when both in a calm mood, might help.
Good luck
It is clear that you feel slightly neglected by your girlfriend especially as you say you have done everything for her, including moving to be with her.
Even though you have mentioned that you have already spoken to her about this, perhaps you should try sitting down with her properly while explaining how much this is truly affecting you. Communication is very important in couples and this need to be sincerely addressed in order to disappear.
Good luck
For the first bit - i work from home, for the second part i guess i don't know if shes faking sleep and you may be right there about paranoia.
And no shes not dependant on me at all really, or she does not show it if she is at least - it has crossed my mind that shes found someone else and ive always told her if she finds someone who will make her happier than i make her i would not be angry about it.
The thing that really miffs me is that everything is in place for us to be insanely happy and blissful, we have jobs, money, a flat and our health and if anything thats just made things worse! :razz:
And if it seems like i am making light of things.. well i have a good sense of perspective, its not the end of the world if we split up, its like finishing a chapter of a book that sucks.
Personally, I would have a talk with her and if it doesn't get sorted/all you get is "no, mmm" and "I don't know" then I would move back home and end it.
I agree that she is either to scared or polite to end it herself.
... but I've been wrong occasionally lol.
But yeah, thank you all very very much for taking the time to read that wall of text and give sound advice with it :thumb:
you seem to be taking it quite well to say you moved to another country for this girl, i admire that
so yeah! glad everything has worked out for you!