Awkward mess

So I may have got myself into a small mess that I'd really appreciate honest advice with. I have just registered so I hope some one will be kind and answer a newbie in distress.
PS Sorry that the post is so lengthy, I don't expect people to actually read through it all, and I'm not sure anyone will click on this post tbh. It was nice writting it all though and reflecting on what's gone on.


I am a shy person at times, and for a long time I've struggled with girls. It's a problem.

So anyway I've known this girl for about year at 6th Form College, we got on well at first, became friends, and as time went on I started to know more of her friends and become friends with them. Now this original girl I started to get quite strong feelings, the kind where you think about them a lot and want to be with them a whole lot more. But I knew I didn't really stand a chance with her, I mean I was just the slightly strange boy who didn't talk a lot and got bad grades... the kind girls don't really go for. Time went on though, and the feelings only grew. I started to think maybe I should tell, if only for the relief of knowing nothing's even going to happen between us.

The summer holidays came along, which meant 2 months away from College. I wouldn't see her for all that time, we're friends but because of how far apart we live it's a bit inconvienient arranging stuff when neither of us can drive and there is very poor bus service. During the holidays I continued to think about her a lot, it was frustrating to be honest.

But we started College again, it was going good, although I still had the damned feelings for her. I still thought I should tell her, and even in my mind convinced myself I would when the opportunity arose where we'd be alone or I'd just ask to have a quick word away from others. A couple times we were alone, but only around the college. And at a couple parties and get togethers I thought I could ask for the quick chat, but I never did.

I became really frustrated at my own cowardice, but I still wanted to tell her. So one night after a party about 4 weeks ago I sent her a text message, where I said something along the lines of "I really like you and have done for a while". I was nervous after sending because I didn't know how she would react. I didn't get a text back before the next day so I guessed she had taken it badly. I didn't talk to her at all the next day and avoided her, assuming she'd told everyone and my reputation was now worse off.

Later on that day I got a reply from her, where she awkwardly said that she was thinking all day what to reply, she said that she liked me too, all I could do was reply with how I was suprised. I was also reassured to know that she hadn't told anyone from College about it. At this time it felt amazing,there was a girl who liked me and was hot, smart and funny. I'd known her for a year, she'd been single the whole time and turned down about 6 other guys.

So I told her we should probably talk about it, the next day we didn't, and neither the day after that. The truth was we're both too shy and awkward about it. I texted her and said that this probably isn't going to happen. So she said we should talk through instant messaging that night. And so we did, but I wasn't feeling to good about it, it was like cyber-dating some one I knew in real ife. But we agreed that we should do the "going out" thing, she admitted she didn't really know what to say or how to act but it was worth a try if we both liked each other.

My story goes further downhill now, I hoped that our relationship would spill over into the real world, and it hadn't. I was pretty disappointed but kept up the texting and instand messaging. We were still awkward around each other, I was annoyed because in my opinion the relationship with the girl I really liked was just massively failing.

We never really got together outside College, partially because she was working so much, and when she wasn't there were other committments. I knew at this point it was definately not going to work ever but still continued with texting. It was the Christmas holidays now, she was finishing work for good and should have more time available. But quite often she would be busy with the regular festive season stuff, and so was I.

The Christmas Holidays came to a close, it was the new year, so I thought I'd just go straight forward and ask if she was still interested in our relationship. 2 days no reply, so because of the advice of a friend I sent a text telling her that I felt like an idiot for asking, I was confused with the whole relationship and asked what she thought we should do.

I got a reply shortly after, in which she said don't feel like an idiot because it's fine and that she has been really busy recently, didn't want me to feel abandoned because it wasn't fair on me and that we should put it on hold for a while. I replied saying that it's fine if it's a busy time for her, she then said she felt like a bitch, and I said don't worry, but message me if you find time or change your mind.



This leads to the situation I'm in now. I wasn't sure if she was genuinely busy, it's been work, christmas and now exams season one after the other. I know these are all very busy times but I'm not sure if she was politely ending the relationship trying to not hurt my feelings. I would have no doubts at this point if she hadn't said putting it on hold for a while.

The next at college (yesterday) was awkward, we didn't speak or even look at each other in the face. I could tell she felt guilty but I wasn't going to say anything.

It's nearly 1am now, and a couple hours ago I asked her a quick question over instant messaging which she turned into a full conversation. I started talking to her and was enjoying the conversation, we talked for an hour and a half about stuff, but nothing about the relationship.



So I'm on here now confused as to what her true intentions are, and I've written an essay about it basically. I don't want the awkward, I want relationship or friendship but I'm not sure where this is going.