Complicated situation...

Former Member · December 2009

There is nothing I can really do about this... I guess I'm really just looking for how other people cope with similar situations.

Essentially I have 3 half-brothers who I never see. My dad's first wife died and so they're on his side of the family... all quite a bit older than me (my dad is old). I know their names... and know that two of them are married... one has a daughter my age, and the other has children but not sure about the other one.

I find it quite upsetting that somewhere out there... there are 3 people that are closely related to me, but I don't even know anything about them. I don't know their jobs, where they live, what family they have or even what they look like. One of them could walk past me on the street and I wouldn't even know.... Quite often I search through people with the same name as them on facebook to see if for some reason I recognise who they are....

I can't talk to my dad or mum about it because well... its not talked about. My dad keeps in contact (well sort of) with one via phone, and through that he knows about the other one. But the 3rd one... he phoned us and got in contact for the first time in 10 years last Christmas.. just to well let us know he's alive... didn't leave any details or anything though. I don't know what has happened between them and my dad, or the reason for them hardly speaking.

But part of me thinks.. that well they could still have a relationship with me. We've lived in the same house for around 15 years now and so they all know the address and the number, although I don't know their details. Erghhh I don't even know if I would get in contact if I could... because I don't have a good relationship with my dad anyway and so I wouldn't want to add anymore strain to it.

I just don't know how to get them and this whole situation out of my head. I shouldn't care because after all I know nothing about them, and they know nothing about me... but that hurts.... :rolleyes:

Former Member · December 2009

I have this problem too, though I am rather older (which creates its own problems). My dad's father left when he was only a few months old (in 1928). My grandfather remarried and had more children. The last contact my dad had was at his father's funeral in 195???. The other family knew nothing about him. My father died (aged 54) in 1982.

I would like to know my half-uncles and aunts, so I started digging up records. I subscribe to The Genealogist, http://www.thegenealogist.co.uk/. My suggestion is that you ask some general questions about births, marriages and deaths, then order up the relevant certificates. They give you a lot of info on where someone is living at the time of the event, and you can go on from there.

Former Member · December 2009

Hey purple,

All this uncertainty seems to be really getting to you

Wondering what these people might be like and where they might be. It must be hard not to let your curiosity get the better of you and the whole facebook thing is totally understandable. From the sounds of it it's not something your dad is comfortable dealing with and this is what's getting in the way.

Going behind his back to find them and get in touch like you say could cause a whole new set of problems although it might satisfy your curiosity for a while if you could at least know where they lived or what they did.

Trying to find the right moment to talk things through with your dad sounds like it could be tricky but it might be the only way for him to realise that this isn't necessarily just his issue. If you think he's just going to get angry or refuse to talk maybe you could write him a letter? That way you can get out what you want to say and he can think about it for a while. Once he realises how much this means to you he might gradually come around.

Family tension can be so deep rooted and you don't want to make things any worse if you can avoid it. It also sounds like there may be issues that you don't know about behind why they're not speaking. Do you think you could talk to your mum at all? Let her know how much you think about them and she might be able to explain what's been going on?

Christmas is bound be the time when all of this seems even more important for you as Christmas for many people is all about family.

Good luck, I hope in time things settle down and you can make contact

Former Member · December 2009

Thanks Jo and overthehill.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna leave it for the moment, and just try not to think about it... Next time one of my parents even just mentions one of them, I'll ask and just try and find out a little bit more gradually. I think that maybe I'll wait until I've sort of moved out... that way hopefully there will be less chance of tension and arguments.

I'd beat myself up if something did happen to one of them and I hadn't made a move, but at the same time... thats unlikely and so there isn't much of a rush. Would just be nice to know a bit more about them before I start a family of my own kind of thing.

And yeah Jo I think you're right about the Christmas thing... every year I spend it with my mum's side of the family but then all of them disappear to spend a few days with relatives from the other side of their families and it does bother me a little. I'm sure that when January comes I'll have other things to worry about

Former Member · December 2009

I kind of have a similar problem but its with my real dad. I have no idea who he is. I know his name and have a few memories of him but thats about it. The funny thing is he works where i live, and i have probably walked past him, but i would have no idea if it was him. Ocationally i wonder but most the time i don't even take a second look. I know he is not worth it. Werid how things affect people.

Complicated situation...

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