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"Her"
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
First of all, pardon my rambling.
Met a girl about a year ago (we'd worked in the same building for 6 months but never really spoken). At first we just chatted through e-mails and texts, and i went for a drink with her and a few others on her birthday. At first I thought nothing of it, until she found herself a boyfriend over Christmas and I realised I was insanely jealous and actually had feelings for her that went beyond friendship.
That relationship was short lived and they split up towards the end of January.
I then (stupidly or otherwise) sent her flowers as a surprise on Valentines Day in an attempt to hint at her that i quite liked her. I got the classic "I'm flattered but I don't see us as more than friends, hope this won't make things weird between us" text in response. I saw no point in making things difficult so just texted back saying it wouldn't change anything, i just wanted to do something nice as I think you're great.
After that things pretty much returned to normal. We were friendly just like before, i did her a favour and she thanked me with an evening out at a pub just as friends. The feelings I had before didn't go away but it was ok, it wasn't the first time i'd been rejected and we were still friends so no real harm done.
We've actually had less contact over the last 3 months, only really socialising at work related events and texting/e-mailing less than we used to. In fact half of the time when she speaks to me now it's because she needs help with something, and being the nice guy that i am i just do it. Being used? I sometimes suggest that we go for a drink or whatever but it just never happens for whatever reason. I think i attempt to flirt when we speak and try to pay her compliments as and when i can (rightly or wrongly)
My feelings have managed to intensify over the last few weeks. I think about her for large proportions of the day, when i wake, when i go to sleep, and whenever we speak i do that thing where i go over the stupid things i said during the course of the conversation and curse myself for them, I get jealous when i know she's out with or sometimes even speaking to other men, and i don't know why or what to do about it.
We are very different people. I'm a little socially awkward and don't have many friends at all. She is off doing something different every week, with different people, and i think goes on plenty of dates. I think she sees dating as a game and being sweet would never be enough to impress her, especially as I have very little relationship experience. She's gorgeous, I am not. Very little about me and her makes sense, I think she sees me as a casual acquantance and nothing more, but I can't get her out of my head. I keep wondering if there is one thing i can say or do to make her see me differently.....
I don't know what to do. Avoiding her is out of the question as we work in the same building, and i don't see what telling her how i feel would achieve (and i suspect she already knows). I'm just not her type....
Perhaps if I had more of a social life and felt capable of finding someone else to focus my attention on I wouldn't be stressing so much about this girl.
I guess my question is, how do you "forget" your feelings when you see the person virtually every day? It's consuming what very little life I have and i don't see it stopping unless she suddenly falls in love with me or i just move a long long way away (which might be exctly what i need in so many ways!)
What exactly am I feeling? Is it love? an obsession? just wanting something i can't have? or just thinking that because she is one of very few people who i have formed a relationship with in the last few years that we are somehow "made for each other"? even though she's friendly with most people.
Sorry for going on, just thinking out loud!
Met a girl about a year ago (we'd worked in the same building for 6 months but never really spoken). At first we just chatted through e-mails and texts, and i went for a drink with her and a few others on her birthday. At first I thought nothing of it, until she found herself a boyfriend over Christmas and I realised I was insanely jealous and actually had feelings for her that went beyond friendship.
That relationship was short lived and they split up towards the end of January.
I then (stupidly or otherwise) sent her flowers as a surprise on Valentines Day in an attempt to hint at her that i quite liked her. I got the classic "I'm flattered but I don't see us as more than friends, hope this won't make things weird between us" text in response. I saw no point in making things difficult so just texted back saying it wouldn't change anything, i just wanted to do something nice as I think you're great.
After that things pretty much returned to normal. We were friendly just like before, i did her a favour and she thanked me with an evening out at a pub just as friends. The feelings I had before didn't go away but it was ok, it wasn't the first time i'd been rejected and we were still friends so no real harm done.
We've actually had less contact over the last 3 months, only really socialising at work related events and texting/e-mailing less than we used to. In fact half of the time when she speaks to me now it's because she needs help with something, and being the nice guy that i am i just do it. Being used? I sometimes suggest that we go for a drink or whatever but it just never happens for whatever reason. I think i attempt to flirt when we speak and try to pay her compliments as and when i can (rightly or wrongly)
My feelings have managed to intensify over the last few weeks. I think about her for large proportions of the day, when i wake, when i go to sleep, and whenever we speak i do that thing where i go over the stupid things i said during the course of the conversation and curse myself for them, I get jealous when i know she's out with or sometimes even speaking to other men, and i don't know why or what to do about it.
We are very different people. I'm a little socially awkward and don't have many friends at all. She is off doing something different every week, with different people, and i think goes on plenty of dates. I think she sees dating as a game and being sweet would never be enough to impress her, especially as I have very little relationship experience. She's gorgeous, I am not. Very little about me and her makes sense, I think she sees me as a casual acquantance and nothing more, but I can't get her out of my head. I keep wondering if there is one thing i can say or do to make her see me differently.....
I don't know what to do. Avoiding her is out of the question as we work in the same building, and i don't see what telling her how i feel would achieve (and i suspect she already knows). I'm just not her type....
Perhaps if I had more of a social life and felt capable of finding someone else to focus my attention on I wouldn't be stressing so much about this girl.
I guess my question is, how do you "forget" your feelings when you see the person virtually every day? It's consuming what very little life I have and i don't see it stopping unless she suddenly falls in love with me or i just move a long long way away (which might be exctly what i need in so many ways!)
What exactly am I feeling? Is it love? an obsession? just wanting something i can't have? or just thinking that because she is one of very few people who i have formed a relationship with in the last few years that we are somehow "made for each other"? even though she's friendly with most people.
Sorry for going on, just thinking out loud!
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Comments
:yes: It sounds like you have quite a lot of awareness in this situation and you've made a good connection with this girl, which is great, but at the same time it may well be that your time and energies are wasted on chasing something that, as you've already identified, seems to have its complications.
This girl might be a great person for you to meet other people through though and she might be more responsive to you as a friend if she totally believes that you don't perceive there being any more than that on the cards.
Also at the beginning of your post you said that you didn't realise you had feelings for her until there was someone else in the picture - do you think this could be because you wanted that relationship rather than her specifically? As in you liked the idea of being the target of someone's affections?
Anyway, keep posting as it seems a good way for you to get your thoughts out there and understand your situation for yourself.
You sound like a thoughtful person and so give yourself a chance with some new people - you never know where it might lead.
The only way to break the 'spell' is to hang out with other people and just get on with them, enjoy their company. Even if there's nothing romantic at all going on, it really helps to just build up your confidence and get you out there. You say you're socially awkward, but it's the confidence that just comes with time really
Also when you are saying because she is friends with you because maybe you are 'made for each other', don't fall for this trap! I did! But humans can gain comfort from attaching 'meanings' to things that don't mean anything. Really as you have said from your situation, she sees you as a friend and you see her as more.
Keep posting, I find it really good to get things off your chest onto here and just be able to express yourself - half the time you know what's right for you anyway and just need to put it down in writing and confront it
I've no doubt the general bad state of my life makes things like this seem worse in my head.
I was off work for the last 2 days, felt a little better, walked into work this morning and there she was, looking stunning as ever, and now I feel rubbish again!
Oh the joys... :nervous:
I am the same with my ex, everytime I see her it's like being kicked in the chest, having the wind knocked out of my and my heart squeezed sideways! My solution which has proved very effective is to remove her off my IM and facebook, and just pretend she doesn't exist, and so thus in the meantime I'm bored with nothing to do, I just say to other friends "I'm bored, lets do something".
It is much much better than sitting on my own just thinking about her.. non stop. Hope things get better for you soon mate
*buys you a virtual pint*