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How to climb out of my shell?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all, new poster seeking advice here.
I'm a 32 year old bloke and never been in an intimate relationship. I would really like to change this. Problem is, I am unsure where to start. Basically, I went all the way through school and university, and the 10 years since leaving it without ever really making much of an attempt to pursue the opposite sex. I'm shy around women when it comes to asking them out. I'm really hampered by the fact that I have no idea how to flirt with them. I tend to wait a long time before asking them out (3 years is the record!). However I'm totally fine being friendly and getting on with them. Because of this, I'm always in the friend zone and can never get any further.
Also, I've never been a party animal, and those days, such as they were, are behind me (most of my friends are married or in stable relationships, I have a job and commute, no free time), so meeting them is hard. I don't really like social occasions or team sports, I'm not politically active (I would join something but my opinions don't fit any well defined grouping).
On the plus side, I have a good career ina job I love, am doing well financially, reasonably attractive (I think?) and arguably fitter than any time in the last 10 years or so.
I've started trying some internet dating sites, but have become somewhat disillusioned with them as I don't get many replies and it seems like they are mostly a big ego massage for women. Besides, I think I would probably do better face-to-face, but I need to meet more girls. I know I need to change, I've done it before (I would say I am definitely much less shy generally than I used to be, and more physically active).
What I'd like to know is there anybody reading this that has done something similar and has managed to become much more sociable? What did you do to achieve this? I know there are PUA techniques etc, but I'm not really interested in those since I feel I would need to be someone other than who I am.
I'm a 32 year old bloke and never been in an intimate relationship. I would really like to change this. Problem is, I am unsure where to start. Basically, I went all the way through school and university, and the 10 years since leaving it without ever really making much of an attempt to pursue the opposite sex. I'm shy around women when it comes to asking them out. I'm really hampered by the fact that I have no idea how to flirt with them. I tend to wait a long time before asking them out (3 years is the record!). However I'm totally fine being friendly and getting on with them. Because of this, I'm always in the friend zone and can never get any further.
Also, I've never been a party animal, and those days, such as they were, are behind me (most of my friends are married or in stable relationships, I have a job and commute, no free time), so meeting them is hard. I don't really like social occasions or team sports, I'm not politically active (I would join something but my opinions don't fit any well defined grouping).
On the plus side, I have a good career ina job I love, am doing well financially, reasonably attractive (I think?) and arguably fitter than any time in the last 10 years or so.
I've started trying some internet dating sites, but have become somewhat disillusioned with them as I don't get many replies and it seems like they are mostly a big ego massage for women. Besides, I think I would probably do better face-to-face, but I need to meet more girls. I know I need to change, I've done it before (I would say I am definitely much less shy generally than I used to be, and more physically active).
What I'd like to know is there anybody reading this that has done something similar and has managed to become much more sociable? What did you do to achieve this? I know there are PUA techniques etc, but I'm not really interested in those since I feel I would need to be someone other than who I am.
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Comments
It sounds like you have quite a clear idea of where you are and where you want to be – as well as the ups and downs that have got you to the situation you are in now. You mention that you haven’t much time for seeing people socially and don’t find it that comfortable anyway – but looking for new ways to expand your social life is a great way to start getting some practice! Having not spent a lot of time thinking about it over the past few years, it’s easy to feel rusty and uncertain about how to start to talk to people you like.
One thing that can be really good is volunteering. There’s so many different types of volunteering you can do and you will often find yourself working or training in a group of people with similar interests. On top of this the work that you are doing can give you things to talk about initially.
Something that can help in trying to get over shyness around women is to try not to think of every new girl you meet as a potential relationship. It’s also easy to think of the opposite sex as women first and people second – and this makes you clam up! But if you try and get to know the person first, perhaps you will feel more comfortable asking them out later. Think of it as asking out a person, not a woman, and it might be less scary!
As for flirting, there really are no specific rules – and thinking that there are particular ways that you should behave around someone you like might actually make you more uncomfortable. There’s a couple of articles on TheSite.org about body language and having that first conversation but these are only thoughts and suggestions. It’s really just about letting someone know you are enjoying their company – and – as you so rightly say, being yourself. Sometimes even admitting that you are ‘not very good at this’ can help break the ice.
Hope this has given you some initial thoughts – there’s no doubt lots of other shy people out there on the forums who have learnt ways of managing and dealing with it who might have tips and advice about what works for them?