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Ex problem
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,
My problem is that I have started to see my ex again on a casual basis. We were only together for 4 months and when we split up I was very hurt as he cheated on me, but it wasn't working out anyway and we are not compatible in a serious relationship. However, we get on well as friends and have really good sex. I didn't want to speak to him at all after we split up because of the way he had treated me. After cheating on me and having been split up for a few weeks, he begged me to give him another chance and said how he'd messed up and he was so sorry. Then a week later the same problems (different lifestyles,etc) were emerging and so we split up for good. After that I didn't want to see him or be around him because I was upset, even though he still wanted to be friends with me.
I told him to give me my own space and leave me alone for a while, because I was really hurt and just wanted to get on with my own life. He did leave me alone for a couple of weeks, then he started texting me every now and again asking me to come over to dinner at his house, or watch a film or something like that. The first few times I just made up an excuse as to why I was busy and coulnd't come round. But he kept asking, so eventually I had to ask him to give me my own space again. It was really hard for me to do this, as deep down really I would have quite liked to go round and spend a bit of time with him and know that things were still ok between us. However I knew that us being split up was the right thing (I definitely can't see a longterm future with this guy for numerous reasons), so I kept strong.
After this he didn't contact me for about a week, then he sent me an 'innocent' message asking me to contact him as he needed sometime of his back from me. I went round and dropped it off later that day, and he was being nice and civil; we had a nice chat then I went home. He mentioned coming round for Sunday dinner that weekend, and because his dad was there I didn't want to be rude, so politely said that I wasn't sure what my plans were.
Then, that Sunday he phoned me up to invite me round for a Sunday roast at his house. I was so confused as I had no idea why he kept asking me over, I didn't know whether it was just because now that I was ignoring him that he suddenly wanted me back, or whether he just wanted to be friends, or what he was playing at. So I told him I'd think about it. I was really torn, because I had resolved not to see him anymore, but he had been asking me practiaclly every day, and my resolve was getting weaker, because obviously there was still a part of me that liked him and did want to go round and see him. I decided to call him and ask him why he wanted to see me so much. He told me that it was because he was really sorry about what had happened, and that he enjoyed my company, and missed me as a person, and that he wanted us to be friends. After he told me that I guess I felt convinced that he didn't have any bad intentions so allowed myself to go round.
I had a really nice time, after dinner we watched a film but we ended up having a cuddle, and you guessed it, kissing as well. After that I went over to his house 2 more times that week and we ended up kissing agin. Then about a week later I stayed over and we ended up sleeping together. This is been going on for about a 3 weeks now, where i've stayed over at his house a couple of times a week.
The thing is, I am feeling kind of ok with it, despite how everything happened before, because we get on amazingly now, so much better than we did before, and I think this is due to not having any of the pressure of a relationship. We were always arguing before, and now we just see each other when we both want to, and there is no pressure on either of us and we know its nothing serious we are both a lot happier. He has been really good to me since then, has really helped me out with a few things like when my car broke down, etc.
However, my friends HATE this guys. They couldn't believe the way he treated me when we split up - cheating on me, then wanting to get back together and then changing his mind again. Also, recently, someone we both know told one of my good friends some details about what happened when he cheated on me, and then she told me. I was really upset about what I found out, so confronted him about it. He then had a massive go at my friend when we he was really drunk saying that she shouldn't have told me and that she'd made 'her best friend fucking cry'. i was soo angry at him for this, because of course she would tell me, she's my friend, and it wasn't her that made me cry, it was him and what HE did. So I had it out with him and he sent an apology to my friend.
Even so my friends are telling me I shouldn't be seeing him anymore. There are certain friends of mine (from uni, that don't live in the same city as me) that I haven't even told that I'm friends/seeing him again, because I know they would absolutely screw and say that I am a complete idiot for even speaking to him again after what he did. I really don't wanna tell them because i know it will just turn into a big drama and to be honest I can't be doing with that at the moment. I know my friends just care about me and don't want to see me get hurt again.
The things is, he's been really good to me since we've become 'friends' again (that's what we are both calling it for now), and I actually have a really nice time whenever I see him. We generally just do something really nice and relaxed, like have some food and watch a film, really its just nice having the company and also someone to hug & kiss and keep warm with on a winters night. I am not under any illusion that I want to get serious with this guy, in fact I am much happier out of a serious relationship right now (prior to him, I was with someone for 5 years).
BUT I hate having to lie/not tell my friends about the situation. Any advice, am I doing a stupid/wrong thing by seeing him again? Should the fact that I dont' feel I can tell my friends about it tell me something? Or should I just follow my gut instinct that I should be allowed to make myself happy for now, even though I guess potentially it could end badly? I am really confused and keep having attacks of guilty conscious for keeping this to myself. I am 25 years old dunno if that's relevant.
Thanks a lot for any opinions....xxxx
My problem is that I have started to see my ex again on a casual basis. We were only together for 4 months and when we split up I was very hurt as he cheated on me, but it wasn't working out anyway and we are not compatible in a serious relationship. However, we get on well as friends and have really good sex. I didn't want to speak to him at all after we split up because of the way he had treated me. After cheating on me and having been split up for a few weeks, he begged me to give him another chance and said how he'd messed up and he was so sorry. Then a week later the same problems (different lifestyles,etc) were emerging and so we split up for good. After that I didn't want to see him or be around him because I was upset, even though he still wanted to be friends with me.
I told him to give me my own space and leave me alone for a while, because I was really hurt and just wanted to get on with my own life. He did leave me alone for a couple of weeks, then he started texting me every now and again asking me to come over to dinner at his house, or watch a film or something like that. The first few times I just made up an excuse as to why I was busy and coulnd't come round. But he kept asking, so eventually I had to ask him to give me my own space again. It was really hard for me to do this, as deep down really I would have quite liked to go round and spend a bit of time with him and know that things were still ok between us. However I knew that us being split up was the right thing (I definitely can't see a longterm future with this guy for numerous reasons), so I kept strong.
After this he didn't contact me for about a week, then he sent me an 'innocent' message asking me to contact him as he needed sometime of his back from me. I went round and dropped it off later that day, and he was being nice and civil; we had a nice chat then I went home. He mentioned coming round for Sunday dinner that weekend, and because his dad was there I didn't want to be rude, so politely said that I wasn't sure what my plans were.
Then, that Sunday he phoned me up to invite me round for a Sunday roast at his house. I was so confused as I had no idea why he kept asking me over, I didn't know whether it was just because now that I was ignoring him that he suddenly wanted me back, or whether he just wanted to be friends, or what he was playing at. So I told him I'd think about it. I was really torn, because I had resolved not to see him anymore, but he had been asking me practiaclly every day, and my resolve was getting weaker, because obviously there was still a part of me that liked him and did want to go round and see him. I decided to call him and ask him why he wanted to see me so much. He told me that it was because he was really sorry about what had happened, and that he enjoyed my company, and missed me as a person, and that he wanted us to be friends. After he told me that I guess I felt convinced that he didn't have any bad intentions so allowed myself to go round.
I had a really nice time, after dinner we watched a film but we ended up having a cuddle, and you guessed it, kissing as well. After that I went over to his house 2 more times that week and we ended up kissing agin. Then about a week later I stayed over and we ended up sleeping together. This is been going on for about a 3 weeks now, where i've stayed over at his house a couple of times a week.
The thing is, I am feeling kind of ok with it, despite how everything happened before, because we get on amazingly now, so much better than we did before, and I think this is due to not having any of the pressure of a relationship. We were always arguing before, and now we just see each other when we both want to, and there is no pressure on either of us and we know its nothing serious we are both a lot happier. He has been really good to me since then, has really helped me out with a few things like when my car broke down, etc.
However, my friends HATE this guys. They couldn't believe the way he treated me when we split up - cheating on me, then wanting to get back together and then changing his mind again. Also, recently, someone we both know told one of my good friends some details about what happened when he cheated on me, and then she told me. I was really upset about what I found out, so confronted him about it. He then had a massive go at my friend when we he was really drunk saying that she shouldn't have told me and that she'd made 'her best friend fucking cry'. i was soo angry at him for this, because of course she would tell me, she's my friend, and it wasn't her that made me cry, it was him and what HE did. So I had it out with him and he sent an apology to my friend.
Even so my friends are telling me I shouldn't be seeing him anymore. There are certain friends of mine (from uni, that don't live in the same city as me) that I haven't even told that I'm friends/seeing him again, because I know they would absolutely screw and say that I am a complete idiot for even speaking to him again after what he did. I really don't wanna tell them because i know it will just turn into a big drama and to be honest I can't be doing with that at the moment. I know my friends just care about me and don't want to see me get hurt again.
The things is, he's been really good to me since we've become 'friends' again (that's what we are both calling it for now), and I actually have a really nice time whenever I see him. We generally just do something really nice and relaxed, like have some food and watch a film, really its just nice having the company and also someone to hug & kiss and keep warm with on a winters night. I am not under any illusion that I want to get serious with this guy, in fact I am much happier out of a serious relationship right now (prior to him, I was with someone for 5 years).
BUT I hate having to lie/not tell my friends about the situation. Any advice, am I doing a stupid/wrong thing by seeing him again? Should the fact that I dont' feel I can tell my friends about it tell me something? Or should I just follow my gut instinct that I should be allowed to make myself happy for now, even though I guess potentially it could end badly? I am really confused and keep having attacks of guilty conscious for keeping this to myself. I am 25 years old dunno if that's relevant.
Thanks a lot for any opinions....xxxx
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Comments
As for the 'boyfriend', what are you losing by having this 'relationship' with him (used loosely)?
I'm in a similar situation with my ex where we've seen each other often, slept together etc but are not in any way serious or official... I sometimes wonder if I should leave it as my feelings are not as strong as they were before and we're wasting each others time by not really wanting to be together, or if I should carry on anyway, casual sex but no pressure
If you're happy with the latter then carry on, there are no rules that say you have to be in a relationship or you have to do things a certain way, but if either of you are getting hurt by this then i would suggest leaving it
Personally I am friends only with my Ex, Friends with benefits is not for me and never will be. I prefer a committed relationship where both respect eachother enough not to cross those boundaries.