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Can't get rid of these shallow feelings?!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Ok, so I'm having a big problem right now, I have a girlfriend that I love more than anything!! She's absolutely, no doubt in my min,d the best thing that's ever happened to me. Here's the problem though; she's not a virgin and I am, but she doesn't want to have sex with me, because she regrets it and is becoming a stronger Christian, and wants to wait until marriage (but it's still too early for that). I *am* a Christian, but not a very good one, and it's something I plan on working on in the future, but that's not something to discuss right now. What I'm having trouble dealing with, is she used to be sooooo into sex, and she's given most her past boyfriends hand jobs and blow jobs, and had sex with one. She's had cyber sex with about three different guys who weren't even her boyfriends. We still talk about sex pretty often, and one time we did get carried away and got very, very handsy, but that seems like a one time thing, b/c she regrets it...
What's getting me down is that I feel like as she's becoming closer to Christ, she's changing, and avoids a lot of that stuff now, like she almost completely refuses to even wear skirts or short shorts...I'm the only boyfriend she's ever loved, and it's just getting me down that I never got any of that from her...she even sent her guy friend snaked pictures once! Is it all in my imagination that she's losing her extremely high sex drive?? Does this happen to all girls?
I just want some help b/c I hate this getting in the way of my love for her...any help would be great!!
Thanks soo much!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crispy1513 wrote: »
    Does this happen to all girls?

    No.

    I would sit down and have a frank discussion about her decision to become ultra-Christian, there must be a reason behind it. I would tell her that sex is a natural thing and that religion shouldn't dictate how a person feels in that regard.

    This of course is me putting myself in your shoes. Personally I would run about 100 miles away. Religious people=:shocking:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If she's developing morals and standards then that's never a bad thing.

    I'd never be so anal or pretentious as to criticise someone for having strong religious convictions - just as some people trip over themselves to emphatically say "keep your views to yourself", those with faith should be alllowed to their lifestyle without atheists having a go at them. But I digress.

    You're fighting a losing battle there. Nothing anyone can say will make it any easier but if her faith is as strong as it appears then you're not going to win. She's chosen a lifestyle which seems incompatible (note: I am not saying 'superior') to yours - you expecting her to change would be as unreasonable as her asking you to join her faith.

    It's a no-win situation, and those things suck major donkey dick :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sex is obviously important to you, so I think the question is what's more important to you: sex or your girlfriend? If you really love her, you'd be ok with her abstinence since you'd understand why it's so important to her but then if she really loved you, she'd have sex with her because she'd understand why it's so important to you. But these two 'what if's are ideal scenarios for her and for you respectively, and we live in a fuzzy reality. Having sex/abstaining is obviously very important to both of you, so you need to have a frank conversation with her once you've decided how important it is to you. If she won't budge and neither will you, you have to break up. Hopefully you'll work out some compromise. Tell her it's ok that she's a Christian, but you're a human and humans need sex (IMO)! So in my view she needs to compromise between her desire to devote herself to the man upstairs and the man down here, because they're both important! If she won't compromise, she's probably not worth staying with because you don't always want to give while she takes, do you?

    Good luck friend!
    P.S. please help me in my 'what to do?' post! Thanks!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can see why you would be mad. The woman you love tells you that your the only man shes ever loved, yet another has had her before (and she wont have you) and she is slowly changing from the girl you met, to a completely different person personality, faith and style. Is this the person you fell in love with? Maybe answering that question will answer everything else.

    I agree, you cant ask her to change her views or opinions, as she cant expect you to either and nor should you be pressured to believe hers. She chose her path. That was her choice, not yours.

    She will believe her religion is right and I know from personal experience they might under mind you and be narrow minded that her religion is the only religion people should believe in. But everyone is entitled to believe what faith or no faith they want to. Who's to say which one is right. At the end of the day it's what you believe is right and wrong and we all have different perceptions on this.

    I know of many Christians that did not wait for marriage yet believe so strongly in god and trust he loves them anyway as he claims he loves all his children the way they are.

    Right now you both have to decide, if you both want to fight for this, which one of you has to compromise and change. Can you last without sex? can you last knowing when you marry her you've only been with one woman? I couldn't personally but we all are different. You need to discuss this with her. If you cant bare to wait for her or what other issues you have and neither one of you can compromise then you both want and believe in far too different things and it may be worth separating so that one day you both meet people that do want the same and may connect with each other more because you both have the same faith.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do sympathise with you and think you need to talk to her. If you think a relationship without any sex isn't for you then you need to tell her and maybe think about breaking it off.

    But I just wanted to add that because she's done things with men before you. It doesn't mean that you are automatically 'owed' the same thing. Her beliefs have changed, you need to take that into account.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, don't feel guilty for wanting sex, you are a human being and most animals on earth are hard-wired to want sex.

    You need to ask yourself whether you can be in a relationship where there is no sexual fulfillment, if you can't that's not your fault.

    Love is a selfish emotion, it's understandable that you don't want her to change.

    It sounds like quite an unusual change for her to suddenly make, perhaps there is a reason behind it, I became celibate for a while after losing my self-confidence. Talk to her, tell her that you are going to put 100% into the relationship but it's hard for you to ignore your desire for sex, make sure she appreciates the effort you are making and the changes you are making for her. Communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Imho it boils down to 2 very simple choices:-

    1. Either accept and respect her faith and new-found celibacy, or don't.
    If you DON'T (can't, won't, whatever.....) then break up with her.
    If you DO, then you have another choice -

    2. The process of exploring her faith and committing to this particular branch of Christianity is inevitably going to change her personality and behaviours. Either accept that, or don't.
    If you DON'T (can't, won't, whatever.....) then break up with her.
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