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Confused, confused, confused!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all, I'm new to the board, nice to "meet" you all!
I am 28 years old and living with my partner. We have two girls of 5 months and 3 years. The eldest is from my previous relationship. I started experiencing problems when I was pregnant. I found phone call to sex lines on the phone bill and it made me feel awful because it was when I was in bed. After I told him how it had made me feel there were further phone calls on the next bill. He said he couldn't control himself. Then I found flirtatious messages, instigated by him, on his facebook to a young girl that he worked with. Once again, I expressed how much it upset me. I then found out he messaged her more after this. These two things during the course of my pregnancy led me to really doubt my trust for him and made me very very paranoid. I now snoop at EVERYTHING. I know he looks at a lot of porn on the internet. He loves these babe channels on Sky. He hasn't made any more phone calls, but he is always googling specific girls on these channels to find pictures of them, and he is a member on a babe discussion forum. The more I nag him about it, the more he resents me for snooping. I feel like we will never move forward since he will always accuse me of being a snoop, and I will always snoop because I don't trust him!
He is at college, and I work hard to support us. Sometimes I resent that he doesn't do anywhere near the share of housework that I do, yet I am working more than he is at college.
I find myself moaning, nagging and bossing at him all the time. My eldest daughter has been talking to him in a nasty manner and saying she doesn't like him. I think this is my fault because I think she watches the way I talk to him and copies it. It's really hard on him because he tries so hard with her but is forever getting it thrown back in his face. She is obviously confused by it all.
I get more moody with him because he wants to go out and do things with his friends but I long for us to have some time together. We never have any time for each other. And who can blame him for not wanting to when I am like that.
I feel like a terrible partner and mother but I can't change it. I wake up every day and tell myself not to nag, or be moody but then I do it and feel so terribly guilty. What am I doing to my poor children? I feel like they would be better off without me in their lives. I feel very very depressed and like I have no control over the way I behave.
I try to talk to him but I have been like this for so long he has lost his patience with it. He tries to support me but ends up telling me to pull myself together. He doesn't mean it horribly, he's just trying to get me to pick myself up.
Please someone help me. I feel so awful :-(
I am 28 years old and living with my partner. We have two girls of 5 months and 3 years. The eldest is from my previous relationship. I started experiencing problems when I was pregnant. I found phone call to sex lines on the phone bill and it made me feel awful because it was when I was in bed. After I told him how it had made me feel there were further phone calls on the next bill. He said he couldn't control himself. Then I found flirtatious messages, instigated by him, on his facebook to a young girl that he worked with. Once again, I expressed how much it upset me. I then found out he messaged her more after this. These two things during the course of my pregnancy led me to really doubt my trust for him and made me very very paranoid. I now snoop at EVERYTHING. I know he looks at a lot of porn on the internet. He loves these babe channels on Sky. He hasn't made any more phone calls, but he is always googling specific girls on these channels to find pictures of them, and he is a member on a babe discussion forum. The more I nag him about it, the more he resents me for snooping. I feel like we will never move forward since he will always accuse me of being a snoop, and I will always snoop because I don't trust him!
He is at college, and I work hard to support us. Sometimes I resent that he doesn't do anywhere near the share of housework that I do, yet I am working more than he is at college.
I find myself moaning, nagging and bossing at him all the time. My eldest daughter has been talking to him in a nasty manner and saying she doesn't like him. I think this is my fault because I think she watches the way I talk to him and copies it. It's really hard on him because he tries so hard with her but is forever getting it thrown back in his face. She is obviously confused by it all.
I get more moody with him because he wants to go out and do things with his friends but I long for us to have some time together. We never have any time for each other. And who can blame him for not wanting to when I am like that.
I feel like a terrible partner and mother but I can't change it. I wake up every day and tell myself not to nag, or be moody but then I do it and feel so terribly guilty. What am I doing to my poor children? I feel like they would be better off without me in their lives. I feel very very depressed and like I have no control over the way I behave.
I try to talk to him but I have been like this for so long he has lost his patience with it. He tries to support me but ends up telling me to pull myself together. He doesn't mean it horribly, he's just trying to get me to pick myself up.
Please someone help me. I feel so awful :-(
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Comments
I suppose you need to try and work out why he enjoys looking at porn and talking on sex chat lines. Maybe he's looking for a thrill that he no longer gets from being in the relationship. If that's so maybe you could refresh it by experimenting a little in the bedroom. One of the reasons I feel bad for you is that I too enjoy looking at porn but I hate it because I want my gf to be all I need so I'm torn in two and I don't understand it! :banghead: Still it REALLY helps me on those few occassions when my gf wears lingerie and teases me when we are together
Maybe he feels like he's lost part of the intimate connection with you. During the first year or so of our relationship I didn't look at porn but then I found out we had differing views on things very important to me and maybe that's why I look at porn to fantasise about particular models (imagining that they might feel the same about things that are important to me) or maybe I'm just making excuses to justify my terrible behaviour?! :crying:
Perhaps the best thing to do would be to organise a little holiday for the two of you, book a cottage in the countryside for a weekend and spend time doing what both of you love doing, then if an appropriate moment comes up, you might try to ask him about his reasons for engaging in porn. Of course he will likely be embarrassed/guilty about this so it would be good to be gentle and sensitive, but confronting him in an adversarial tone/situation will only tear you further apart. Even if you decide not to raise the issue with him, at least the weekend away might help re-fuel your intimate connection.
I sincerely wish you all the best!
You describe your relationship like this: which made me think you've got yourself a selfish shitbag man-child and would be better off without him unless he's prepared to put a bit of time and effort into making the real people in his life more important than the cyber ones.
My advice was going to be this:
think long and hard about why you're in the relationship and wether its really worth saving. If you think it is and he's prepared to do things like ease up on the porn etc and go to counselling with you, then go for it and good luck, but if he's not prepared to at least meet you halfway then cut your losses now and end it.
But then I read the end of your post again... And I'm just thinking why do you even WANT to be with this guy? Not only is he a selfish shitbag, he's managed to completely manipulate the situation so you think its your fault, not his!! :eek:
End it.
Now.
Guys like that don't change (trust me, I wasted over 5 years waiting for this one's identical twin to get his act together!!), its time for you to get on with your life.