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How Did This Happen?!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Greetings and good evening.
I was not sure where to put this as it seems to cover two issues - health being one and perhaps the one that is bothering me the most.
I have suffered from mental health issues for many years - clinical depression mostly. Although I also (as I was told recently, it was news to me) was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. I take prozac regularly (they might as well be tictacs to be honest) and am now on ativan as well for anxiety attacks that cripple me :nervous:
My GP is well aware that I often do not feel safe - and worry about being around others as I frequently feel aggressive (although female, blood tests have revealed large amounts of testosterone coming from..somewhere..)
Recently my symptoms have amplified. I have begun to hallucinate both visual and auditory things. In the aftermath I know that it is real, but at the time it seems absolutely so. I have memories of things that never happened. As you might imagine, this is all very frightening.
I am still waiting to see a psychiatrist (believe me, i have had all sorts of therapies and meds over the years, but I know I need help as the hallucination/disassociation is new). I know that if I had broken my leg, I would have been seen immediately. But since my mind broke I have been waiting since August so far...
I know it sounds to some of you a bit odd to be so matter of fact about my status. I have lived with it for a long time, so long that I don't remember being any other way. Living in darkness and despair and with thoughts of self harm (again, GP is on this, no call to freak out) is exhausting.
The thing is this. I had been living off my savings. In times of being "well" I did hold down a full time job. I live with some generous friends. Because I do not have a formalised agreement with them, I cannot claim any kind of housing aid now my savings are gone. So I can no longer contribute to household expenses, and am told that if I now set up a formalised agreement for rent and tried to claim, this would constitute fraud.
Apparently my only hope for help in this direction is to declare myself "homeless" and throw myself on the mercy of the local housing assoc. This is despite how unsafe I feel and how I am having to cope with failing mental health issues. Wonderful, eh?
I had been claiming "Employment Support Allowance". My memory, long and short term, is shot to hell and I have issues as described.
And yet despite all this I recently attended my health assessment and somehow, and I honestly cannot explain it, as far as the DWP is concerned, I am absolutely fine :shocking:
Apparently the civil servant (with no health training that I could discern) heard me say things like - I hallucinate, I am clinically depressed, I can only leave the house with a chaperone as I fear I will harm myself, I barely sleep, I am frightened all the time, i can't cope with other people etc etc ... as "Fine."
Every day of the last few years (that is all i can remember, most of my past is lost in a funk of broken memory, i am not even sure what my brother looks like any more, I have no idea where I went to school etc) feels invalidated.
How did I pass this test? I don't feel fine. Most of the time I feel like I am going insane. My benefits got cut off. I am broke. I am ill. I am going to have to fight my corner and I am really not sure how I am going to manage to do that when my mind feels fractured.
Anyway, thanks for listening and for your time. Sometimes, it helps.
V
I was not sure where to put this as it seems to cover two issues - health being one and perhaps the one that is bothering me the most.
I have suffered from mental health issues for many years - clinical depression mostly. Although I also (as I was told recently, it was news to me) was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. I take prozac regularly (they might as well be tictacs to be honest) and am now on ativan as well for anxiety attacks that cripple me :nervous:
My GP is well aware that I often do not feel safe - and worry about being around others as I frequently feel aggressive (although female, blood tests have revealed large amounts of testosterone coming from..somewhere..)
Recently my symptoms have amplified. I have begun to hallucinate both visual and auditory things. In the aftermath I know that it is real, but at the time it seems absolutely so. I have memories of things that never happened. As you might imagine, this is all very frightening.
I am still waiting to see a psychiatrist (believe me, i have had all sorts of therapies and meds over the years, but I know I need help as the hallucination/disassociation is new). I know that if I had broken my leg, I would have been seen immediately. But since my mind broke I have been waiting since August so far...
I know it sounds to some of you a bit odd to be so matter of fact about my status. I have lived with it for a long time, so long that I don't remember being any other way. Living in darkness and despair and with thoughts of self harm (again, GP is on this, no call to freak out) is exhausting.
The thing is this. I had been living off my savings. In times of being "well" I did hold down a full time job. I live with some generous friends. Because I do not have a formalised agreement with them, I cannot claim any kind of housing aid now my savings are gone. So I can no longer contribute to household expenses, and am told that if I now set up a formalised agreement for rent and tried to claim, this would constitute fraud.
Apparently my only hope for help in this direction is to declare myself "homeless" and throw myself on the mercy of the local housing assoc. This is despite how unsafe I feel and how I am having to cope with failing mental health issues. Wonderful, eh?
I had been claiming "Employment Support Allowance". My memory, long and short term, is shot to hell and I have issues as described.
And yet despite all this I recently attended my health assessment and somehow, and I honestly cannot explain it, as far as the DWP is concerned, I am absolutely fine :shocking:
Apparently the civil servant (with no health training that I could discern) heard me say things like - I hallucinate, I am clinically depressed, I can only leave the house with a chaperone as I fear I will harm myself, I barely sleep, I am frightened all the time, i can't cope with other people etc etc ... as "Fine."
Every day of the last few years (that is all i can remember, most of my past is lost in a funk of broken memory, i am not even sure what my brother looks like any more, I have no idea where I went to school etc) feels invalidated.
How did I pass this test? I don't feel fine. Most of the time I feel like I am going insane. My benefits got cut off. I am broke. I am ill. I am going to have to fight my corner and I am really not sure how I am going to manage to do that when my mind feels fractured.
Anyway, thanks for listening and for your time. Sometimes, it helps.
V
0
Comments
Seems like there's a lot going on for you at the moment. It really good that you have posted onto the boards and been so open and honest. As this is your first post, we wish you a warm welcome to the boards and hope you get the advice you're looking for.
You are right in that your situation may also benefit from being posted on the money and law boards too? You may get some more focussed responses about the ESA and housing part of your post?
It doesn't seem right that you would be deemed as 'fine' after telling them the problems you are facing. There is an appeals procedure that you can follow, have you tried this? If you present as homeless to your housing association, they have a duty to try to help you, particularly as you are not 'intentionally homeless' and if you mention your depression and mental health issues - there maybe some support attached to the housing options too.
Some of the pages that we have on our mental health section may also be of some use to you? check out the links to organisations such as MIND and Saneline.
It's fantastic that you have put some wheels in motion for support from your GP and Psychiatrist, you have done really well to get that far. Do keep posting to let us know how you get on.
Take care -