If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
What to do after breaking up a friendship?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
K, I didn't really want to do this. Like, I hoped I would be able to cope with it but I'm really really not. Every time I think about it I want to break down in tears (not at all practical).
Anyway, there's a guy I know who I was very good friends with for a very long time. I almost lost my virginity to him and to this day I wish I had. Anyway, I was in love with him. Was...am...kind of both. I don't really know anymore. Either way I considered him one of my best friends and thought I always would as he's been there through a whole lot of shit that not many of my other good friends have been.
For the past couple of years he's been a bit...shit. Like, not making any effort to speak to me or visit me and when I went to see him a few months ago he left me waiting at Bristol station for an hour and a half before I even got through to him, and then I spent the weekend in the company of loads of people I didn't know doing none of the things I was told we'd be doing. Anyway. The point is that I got a bit fed up after the "visit" he said he would give me ended up being him popping in for an hour on his way to somewhere else with his girlfriend which was only because I happened to be dogsitting at home. Great stuff. So I emailed him and basically said I didn't think we should be friends anymore unless he was prepared to make an effort. Turns out he wasn't. Something about us having nothing in common and not being able to make conversation with me anymore (although I don't even remember the last time he tried). I dunno, I didn't agree but hell. So we aren't friends anymore. He even removed me straight away from Facebook, and even as someone who couldn't care less about that site that crushed me. I am now completely regretting the email I sent and wishing I could take it all back. Especially right now because I'm having a bit of a crisis and insanerage. Er...anyway.
Now what? I had to text him to ask him to return a book that I lent him about 3 years ago and he never returned, and he's bought me a new one because he lost it. But all I want to do right now is email him and say I MADE A MISTAKE PLEASE LETS BE FRIENDS AGAIN
.
Argh. I don't really know what advice I'm after. I'm so so sad right now it's unreal. Blah. Sorry for length. I needed to get it out really.
Anyway, there's a guy I know who I was very good friends with for a very long time. I almost lost my virginity to him and to this day I wish I had. Anyway, I was in love with him. Was...am...kind of both. I don't really know anymore. Either way I considered him one of my best friends and thought I always would as he's been there through a whole lot of shit that not many of my other good friends have been.
For the past couple of years he's been a bit...shit. Like, not making any effort to speak to me or visit me and when I went to see him a few months ago he left me waiting at Bristol station for an hour and a half before I even got through to him, and then I spent the weekend in the company of loads of people I didn't know doing none of the things I was told we'd be doing. Anyway. The point is that I got a bit fed up after the "visit" he said he would give me ended up being him popping in for an hour on his way to somewhere else with his girlfriend which was only because I happened to be dogsitting at home. Great stuff. So I emailed him and basically said I didn't think we should be friends anymore unless he was prepared to make an effort. Turns out he wasn't. Something about us having nothing in common and not being able to make conversation with me anymore (although I don't even remember the last time he tried). I dunno, I didn't agree but hell. So we aren't friends anymore. He even removed me straight away from Facebook, and even as someone who couldn't care less about that site that crushed me. I am now completely regretting the email I sent and wishing I could take it all back. Especially right now because I'm having a bit of a crisis and insanerage. Er...anyway.
Now what? I had to text him to ask him to return a book that I lent him about 3 years ago and he never returned, and he's bought me a new one because he lost it. But all I want to do right now is email him and say I MADE A MISTAKE PLEASE LETS BE FRIENDS AGAIN
.Argh. I don't really know what advice I'm after. I'm so so sad right now it's unreal. Blah. Sorry for length. I needed to get it out really.
0
Comments
I think it's hard because you used to be close and he's obviously been through a lot with you so I guess having him as a friend maybe makes you feel more secure. And as well as that, you're used to having him as a friend - going from that to nothing is going to be a shock.
But I think he's shown his true colours.
I have friends that I wish made more effort but when I tell them that they'll agree and actually make more effort. They wouldn't just say we had nothing in common and they wouldn't delete me from facebook right away like he did.
If you get in touch and tell him you want to be friends again and he agrees, then what? Do you really think he'll start making more of an effort? Or will he just let you down again? From what you've said, unless he's got some really good reason why he's acting like he is I can't really see him changing.
But on the other hand if you do really, really want to try and be friends again and think there is a possibility that could happen - maybe if you try and spend some time together - then I would say try it. What have you got to loose?
I guess either way you could see if he wants to meet up for a chat, just to go through some things so you can both work out once and for all if there is a friendship there or not.
things change. 2 of my best friends (and I mean from age 4 to age 15) and me are now completely separated people who hardly have contact. The fact that he unfriended you so quick on fb (which i find weird in it's own. In my opinion unfriending someone on facebook is more to make a "statement" if you understand what I mean). I think he's really not wanting this anymore and he is bluntly but not too unfriendly trying to make you understand that, but that's just my 2c.
I really dont think there is anything you can do, and youre just gonna have to grieve the friendship as it pretty much sounds like its over.
Not easy though
As SCC said it does sound a bit like you just like the old version of him though, as in the way he/you used to be. People get older and grow apart its just how things go sometimes, so past feelings about him aside, do you really want him as a friend again?
But it's much harder to be ruthless about it when you have loved the person. This is partly because so much of ourselves and our self-worth is bound up in who we love. We don't want to believe that we could have wasted our love and affection on someone who has ultimately shown themselves to be unworthy of it, because that would be a tragedy and imply a lack of judgment on our part. So then I think we keep lying to ourselves, making excuses for the person, telling ourselves maybe they do love me as much as I do after all, and forgiving them and letting them back in every time they let us down.
This is what I did when I was in a similar situation. If he had just been a friend and nothing more, I wouldn't have cared so much when he let me down, and wouldn't have taken it so personally. But because I loved him, I kept forgiving him and letting him disappoint me time and again, because it was too painful to cut him out, which is what I would do with anyone else.
Be brave and hang on in there, it will get easier and in time you will miss him less.
I really relate to Franki's post - I have been in a situation so similar, that it really touched me.
I had a friend to whom I really was just a friend. But I loved him to pieces, so that every time he let me down or disappointed me or acted inconsiderately, it was like a flesh wound. Whereas from anyone else, I would have just thought "fuck it, he's a shit friend, I'm not wasting my time on him".
But I would get angry and hurt and let down, because I realised that he couldn't possibly feel for me anything like what I felt for him. Then I would do as Franki has done, and try to cut him out, and tell him we shouldn't be friends any more, which would compound the hurt as he wasn't that bothered. But then the agony of being without him got too much, and I would change my mind, and things would resume as they did before. It was an emotional rollercoaster for about two years, and it was all caused by my unrequited love. Probably the things he did weren't so terrible, if you were just mates. But because I loved him, and it was becoming clear he didn't love me, it seemed awful.
I think the best bet is to stick to your decision though. It's the only way off the emotional rollercoaster. Plus, once you decide how you want things to be, and take control of the situation, you feel so much better just for having some power back, and not being a slave to him and his fleeting and sporadic desires to spend time with you.
Jamelia - I know that a lot of it is how I used to, and yeh maybe still do, feel about him. I think it's also because I'm not very happy at the moment and I don't want to have to burden Rich all the time. Eh.
Rich has said to give it a week and see if I still think I was wrong. I think that's a good idea. Still...eh.