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Hpw do I regain his trust
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I cheated early in the relationship, I hid it from him until he found out from someone else. I dont want to lose him. We are trying to get through it but closeness is painfull for both of us. like i said we talk and I know that sometimes whilst we are having sex, he is thinking he isn't good enough and comparing himself to the other person.I dont like him feeling like this and I know its my fault. Any suggestions on help for us please?
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not at all. wounds need time to heal. In his head he might understand that he is the one for you, but in his heart he is uneasy.
Getting over an affair and the deceit of hiding it can be a huge and emotionally difficult task and since you've already cheated once, ask yourself "is he worth the bother?". Do you want to be with him? If you're not sure about all this and the work involved then do the man a favour and let him go to someone who'll give him the love he needs/deserves.
Since you mention comparing himself and not feeling good enough, I presume sex is the major problem here. What made you cheat? Is he crap in bed? Is this something that's more important than the person he is? I think there's a lot of soul searching to do on your part. You've clearly hurt him and need to ask yourself why you did that if he means that much to you. As for what to do, it's extremely difficult to make a suggestion. He needs to be picked up and feel better about how he feels. He'll see straight through you if you tell him he's magnificent in bed when it only lasted 3 minutes so you really do need to talk and open up, no matter how painful or embarrassing it maybe.
Acknowledge what the underlying problems are, the reasons for cheating, then address them in a constructive way. Remember, he's lost you once before and probably feels he could lose you again, but if you don't talk, he won't know why it happened in the first place and will start to come to his own conclusions which sounds like what's happening. The obvious problem being sex, clearly.
I hope it works out and you've learnt your lesson. Trust and love can be regained, I'm sure, but as I previously said, it's an enormous task and takes time. I'm also not sure whether a relationship can ever truly be the same again as it's always going to be there between you, the deceit, the shame, the embarrassment. Good luck, you'll need it.
The thing that hurt the most was finding out from someone else.
It's been over a year and a half since we broke up, and the same amount of time since we've spoken. I honestly believe once a cheater always a cheater.
I don't want to be harsh but I don't want to lie, I don't believe it will work but if you think it will, cut out sex until you TALK IT THROUGH
why you did it, why you regret it. don't assume he knows or it's obvious and explain why you didn't tell him
but, good luck