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Help! Girlfriend/Family Issues....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there, I'm new on this forum. I just really need some help/advice, or just to vent my frustrations really.
I'm a 20 year old female student who is bisexual. I have had a girlfriend for over a year now, and I love her to bits and I believe I could have a future with her, and she thinks the same.
I came out to my mum after 2 months in the relationship. It didn't go down well. My mum was in tears, she was disappointed, couldn't understand why, thinks its unnatural etc. That devastated me. I confided in friends and they all said it was the initial shock and she would come round to the idea.
However, a year down the line nothing has moved on. My mum ignores it, and pretends it hasn't happened. I have spoken to my mum on a number of occasions, one the phone and in person, to explain how I feel and that, as hard as it is for her, she should just be happy for me and be tolerant of it.
It's horrible because my girlfriend's family have made me feel so welcome, and I know them all well, whereas it is the total opposite from my family.
I haven't told my aunties/uncles/nan etc because I know they would take it just as bad. They would be just as disappointed and I don't think I could go through that again.
But this sitaution has escalated now, because my gf is understandably unhappy with the baggage I carry. She just wants to have a normal relationship and have a mother-in-law. I explain that it is hard to bring up the conversation about my sexuality because it is awkward and it never gets anywhere because my mum insists that she can't accept it.
Now she wants me to confront my mum and tell her that she will loose me and won't get to see me if she doesn't change her ways, and come out to the rest of my family, and if I don't we are going to be over because I am not taking it seriously and am ashamed of her (which I'm not)!!!
I don't want this to end, but I feel I am not ready to tell the rest of my family, and I don't want to disassociate myself from my mum either! I feel pressured, and stuck in the middle, trying to please both parties.
I know I have commitments to my gf, especially now I am getting older but I need her to hold on before I full-on come out to the world and especially my family.....is that too much to ask? Or should I be clear with all my family and celebrate who I am, and not hide from them, no matter what the consequences are?
What should I do?????
I'm a 20 year old female student who is bisexual. I have had a girlfriend for over a year now, and I love her to bits and I believe I could have a future with her, and she thinks the same.
I came out to my mum after 2 months in the relationship. It didn't go down well. My mum was in tears, she was disappointed, couldn't understand why, thinks its unnatural etc. That devastated me. I confided in friends and they all said it was the initial shock and she would come round to the idea.
However, a year down the line nothing has moved on. My mum ignores it, and pretends it hasn't happened. I have spoken to my mum on a number of occasions, one the phone and in person, to explain how I feel and that, as hard as it is for her, she should just be happy for me and be tolerant of it.
It's horrible because my girlfriend's family have made me feel so welcome, and I know them all well, whereas it is the total opposite from my family.
I haven't told my aunties/uncles/nan etc because I know they would take it just as bad. They would be just as disappointed and I don't think I could go through that again.
But this sitaution has escalated now, because my gf is understandably unhappy with the baggage I carry. She just wants to have a normal relationship and have a mother-in-law. I explain that it is hard to bring up the conversation about my sexuality because it is awkward and it never gets anywhere because my mum insists that she can't accept it.
Now she wants me to confront my mum and tell her that she will loose me and won't get to see me if she doesn't change her ways, and come out to the rest of my family, and if I don't we are going to be over because I am not taking it seriously and am ashamed of her (which I'm not)!!!
I don't want this to end, but I feel I am not ready to tell the rest of my family, and I don't want to disassociate myself from my mum either! I feel pressured, and stuck in the middle, trying to please both parties.
I know I have commitments to my gf, especially now I am getting older but I need her to hold on before I full-on come out to the world and especially my family.....is that too much to ask? Or should I be clear with all my family and celebrate who I am, and not hide from them, no matter what the consequences are?
What should I do?????
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Comments
This sounds like a really tricky situation and it's no wonder you're feeling pressured and stuck in the middle. It's important to remember that you should only ever do what you feel comfortable with. If you're not ready to confront your mum or come out to the rest of your family then that's ok. You should feel proud of how you've coped so far, your mum's reaction can't have been easy to deal with
It may be worth trying to talk to her again or perhaps there is someone else in the family you're close to that you'd feel comfortable coming out to? That's not to say it wont take other family members time to adjust if they have similar views but you may find their reaction isn't the same as your mum's and it might help her to have someone else to talk to about it.
On the other hand, it sounds like your girlfriend is putting you in a really difficult situation. She's taking your actions personally and as you say she just wants a 'normal mother in law'. She may even resent your mum to an extent for making things so difficult, especially now it's affectting your relationship. This may be why she's suggesting this ultimatum?
Perhaps you can find a way to talk things through calmly or write her a letter? It sounds like you need to find a way to communicate some reassurance that you are willing to keep trying with your mum but you're not prepared for it to come between you and it's really your choice as to how you move forward from here.
*hugs*
Fact is that a good girlfriend won't MAKE you pick between her and your family, it's just not on, especially when you're still young and effectively a bit dependent.
i've had two friends that had this problem. one is now good friends with the problem parents- but they have been going out 3 years. the other has now broken up, but not cause of the family issues.
i hope your mum comes around for you.