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Complicated feelings towards my girlfriend and this guy I know.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
0k so this might turn into a bit of a long one, and I am definitely not going to come across as an angel, but here goes...
Basically about two years ago, I was introduced to this guy, and gradually became attracted to him. We ended up getting drunk and sleeping together a couple of times, but nothing came out of it - he was a bit all over the place in that time, and we decided just to be friends. In the end he treated me completely badly, which for him was pretty out of character, and, well humiliated me a little bit. I was almost spitting kittens after the incident, and sat up all night absolutely fuming, which i never do. Afterwards, I think I realised that I had always liked him more than I wanted to admit it, and it surprised me how difficult it was to get over it. Anyways, after a few weeks I sent him a message saying that I had calmed down and that he was forgiven and that was that.
After about 6 months, we started talking over facebook again, just silly little messages, but we ended up going for coffee when I was on his side of the world, and thought that I had finally kicked the bug. I met an awesome absolutely super duper girlie after that, who completely put thoughts of any boys completely out of my head, and i fell head over heels for her very quickly. All the time I was still in contact with boy, but just general friendly chit chat on facebook, and really, it was completely platonic, and i was quite happy for it to stay like that.
Then, after about 6 months my girlfriend went home for a month, and in that time boy happened to be visiting my city and asked if I could put him up for a couple of days. I was a little bit apprehensive - we'd only seen eachother once in a very long time, and thought it might be a little uncomfortable. We got on absolutely famously, and basically spent a week high on drugs in night clubs or having deep conversations or both. He was really apologetic for what happened before, and is generally just a completely awesome person - which is why I liked him in the first place.
Anyway, so we get to day 5, and we are snuggling in bed together after getting back from clubs, and hugging and generally getting as close to kissing or 'cheating' as probably it is possible to get. Doesnt absolve me one little bit, but i might point out that I spent this week on mdma. he did ask me once if i wanted anything more, but I said no, it was a terrible idea, and just felt so guilty about it. All these feelings that I had for him came flooding back when I thought they were so completely gone, and it confused me and made me feel like shit as I hadn't even looked at another person since the beginning of my relationship. I think I can now say that he is probably the one who always will have got away - he matches me perfectly in most respects, and i started to wonder what if? and got the impression he was doing the same... In the end 'nothing' happened, but that didn't stop me from feeling that I had betrayed my girlfriend.
He went away and she came back, and all these doubts about where our relationship was going kept pestering me, and I kept seeing all of her flaws and all of his good parts, which is a horrible thing, lying in bed with some one and thinking about someone else. I even lost my sex drive, which is very unnatural for me. I had a dream about it, and woke up thinking about the wrong person, and just felt so generally shit i had to write it down to get it out of my system. Through no fault of her own, my girlfriend ended up reading it, and got terribly upset, as anyone would. She still doesn't know who I was writing about though.
So anyway we had a couple of arguments about it. She knows I haven't cheated on her, but also knows I have had doubts, and at least a dream about someone else. Everything is fine between us now, and I know I am very much in love with her. I haven't seen boy since he came to visit me, but it is going to be hard cos i recently found out that he is moving to my city, and really is a very special person who i would be loathe to lose contact with.
I still have these thoughts about him occasionally, and it scares me to think that someone apart from the person I love is in my head. We are moving in together at the beginning of the autumn - she is moving countries to be with me, and isn't even fluent in the language. I want to be with her so much, and can imagine a future with her, completely, but is it too selfish of me to ask her to make sacrifices on my behalf when there is always going to be this half-formed doubt in the back of my mind?
Thoughts please, and thanks for reading.
Basically about two years ago, I was introduced to this guy, and gradually became attracted to him. We ended up getting drunk and sleeping together a couple of times, but nothing came out of it - he was a bit all over the place in that time, and we decided just to be friends. In the end he treated me completely badly, which for him was pretty out of character, and, well humiliated me a little bit. I was almost spitting kittens after the incident, and sat up all night absolutely fuming, which i never do. Afterwards, I think I realised that I had always liked him more than I wanted to admit it, and it surprised me how difficult it was to get over it. Anyways, after a few weeks I sent him a message saying that I had calmed down and that he was forgiven and that was that.
After about 6 months, we started talking over facebook again, just silly little messages, but we ended up going for coffee when I was on his side of the world, and thought that I had finally kicked the bug. I met an awesome absolutely super duper girlie after that, who completely put thoughts of any boys completely out of my head, and i fell head over heels for her very quickly. All the time I was still in contact with boy, but just general friendly chit chat on facebook, and really, it was completely platonic, and i was quite happy for it to stay like that.
Then, after about 6 months my girlfriend went home for a month, and in that time boy happened to be visiting my city and asked if I could put him up for a couple of days. I was a little bit apprehensive - we'd only seen eachother once in a very long time, and thought it might be a little uncomfortable. We got on absolutely famously, and basically spent a week high on drugs in night clubs or having deep conversations or both. He was really apologetic for what happened before, and is generally just a completely awesome person - which is why I liked him in the first place.
Anyway, so we get to day 5, and we are snuggling in bed together after getting back from clubs, and hugging and generally getting as close to kissing or 'cheating' as probably it is possible to get. Doesnt absolve me one little bit, but i might point out that I spent this week on mdma. he did ask me once if i wanted anything more, but I said no, it was a terrible idea, and just felt so guilty about it. All these feelings that I had for him came flooding back when I thought they were so completely gone, and it confused me and made me feel like shit as I hadn't even looked at another person since the beginning of my relationship. I think I can now say that he is probably the one who always will have got away - he matches me perfectly in most respects, and i started to wonder what if? and got the impression he was doing the same... In the end 'nothing' happened, but that didn't stop me from feeling that I had betrayed my girlfriend.
He went away and she came back, and all these doubts about where our relationship was going kept pestering me, and I kept seeing all of her flaws and all of his good parts, which is a horrible thing, lying in bed with some one and thinking about someone else. I even lost my sex drive, which is very unnatural for me. I had a dream about it, and woke up thinking about the wrong person, and just felt so generally shit i had to write it down to get it out of my system. Through no fault of her own, my girlfriend ended up reading it, and got terribly upset, as anyone would. She still doesn't know who I was writing about though.
So anyway we had a couple of arguments about it. She knows I haven't cheated on her, but also knows I have had doubts, and at least a dream about someone else. Everything is fine between us now, and I know I am very much in love with her. I haven't seen boy since he came to visit me, but it is going to be hard cos i recently found out that he is moving to my city, and really is a very special person who i would be loathe to lose contact with.
I still have these thoughts about him occasionally, and it scares me to think that someone apart from the person I love is in my head. We are moving in together at the beginning of the autumn - she is moving countries to be with me, and isn't even fluent in the language. I want to be with her so much, and can imagine a future with her, completely, but is it too selfish of me to ask her to make sacrifices on my behalf when there is always going to be this half-formed doubt in the back of my mind?
Thoughts please, and thanks for reading.
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Comments
It’s really complicated to talk about girls, love and feelings. Love can really be indescribable feeling being given o man by god.
:thumb:
What sort of 'sacrifices'? Do you mean as 'sacrifices' made in a relationship?
But you probably know that it is cruel to have someone putting 100% emotional effort into your relationship when you have doubts in your mind. Its a 'having your cake and eat it' type of situation. If you are having doubts about her, then she probably isn't the one you want. Would you marry someone that you had doubts about? Unless you have lousy self-esteem, you probably wouldn't.
If you could press a button and she vanished out of your life and you forgot her immediately as if she had never been there, would you press it? How about him?
Any relationship is built on compromise so which one are you prepared to compromise with? He may been fun to have hung out with (drugs can do that!) but do you REALLY know what he is like to live with 24/7?
Ohhhh ... I must be raising so many additional questions. I'm sorry.
Why not go into tonight's relationship chat and see what everyone else thinks?
*hugs*
I guess I'm just going to have to do the deed and cut him out, which is incredibly sad, but when I imagine myself with someone, it is with her, and not with him. But I just don't think that I will ever be able to keep that sexual attraction completely under control.
Sexual attraction to other people doesn't stop when you're in a relationship but one understands that this is all that it is.
You will no doubt come across other people that you will feel sexually attracted to in the future whilst in your relationship but because of your love and commitment to your partner, you wouldn't follow it through.
If you feel that this guy is a distraction that could cause the split up of the relationship that you REALLY want to be in, then you need to exercise caution and restraint around him. But as you seem to have realised yourself, you are more keen to hang onto her than pursue him, so take whatever steps necessary to save the relationship you want.
Good luck! :thumb:
What people have said here is good advice- these things happen, and what matters is how you deal with it.