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i dont know. grieving, i guess
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
apologies in advance i cant be arsed to spell or punctuate right now
my grandpa died yesterday. he had been ill for sometime, me, my dad, and dads girlfriend all came up for the majority of his illness, and my brother came straight back from germany ti be here for the last few days.
during this time I was doing all i could to help my very upset dad and gran by cooking and housework etc because its all i knew to do, and im used to taking care of gran as i have done before when she had a minor surgery.
anyway,
three times they told us he had a few days to live but things changed and they said it maybe a week or so yet. so dad, his lady and i went home for a few days, i didn't want to but i had a therapist appointment which ma really thought i should go to as she knew this was all aggravating my depression, and i was convinced as my brother agreed to stay on to look after gran. we had been there for nearly too weeks.
the day after my brother left, and the day before i was due to go back, he died. i feel so guilty she was alone for it, she only had her elderly sister as her nearby daughter is shit.
now we are back and everyone seems to be forgetting that i am grieving too. i know everyone reacts differently to things like this but dad has taken to being a nasty, messy areshole, his gf is here quite a bit but does nothign to help with the housework, and my brother does little. im stuch in a horrible sofa bed in the hall next to the bathroom and get no sleep because of i have trouble sleeping at the best of times and now im getting woken up early with backache too.
i sound really selfish here, ive just spent so long accomodating other people and biting my lip i needed a place to be selfish. i really dont know how i can handle this. brother is off for a romantic weekend soon and dad is off to the football and its just assumed I'll be here holding down the fort - i get the impression it'll be like that all summer as i havent had the chance to get a job, but i have uni stuff to do which i already should have done and my mind s just spinning and i dont know how much longer i can handle it. i feel so responsible
my grandpa died yesterday. he had been ill for sometime, me, my dad, and dads girlfriend all came up for the majority of his illness, and my brother came straight back from germany ti be here for the last few days.
during this time I was doing all i could to help my very upset dad and gran by cooking and housework etc because its all i knew to do, and im used to taking care of gran as i have done before when she had a minor surgery.
anyway,
three times they told us he had a few days to live but things changed and they said it maybe a week or so yet. so dad, his lady and i went home for a few days, i didn't want to but i had a therapist appointment which ma really thought i should go to as she knew this was all aggravating my depression, and i was convinced as my brother agreed to stay on to look after gran. we had been there for nearly too weeks.
the day after my brother left, and the day before i was due to go back, he died. i feel so guilty she was alone for it, she only had her elderly sister as her nearby daughter is shit.
now we are back and everyone seems to be forgetting that i am grieving too. i know everyone reacts differently to things like this but dad has taken to being a nasty, messy areshole, his gf is here quite a bit but does nothign to help with the housework, and my brother does little. im stuch in a horrible sofa bed in the hall next to the bathroom and get no sleep because of i have trouble sleeping at the best of times and now im getting woken up early with backache too.
i sound really selfish here, ive just spent so long accomodating other people and biting my lip i needed a place to be selfish. i really dont know how i can handle this. brother is off for a romantic weekend soon and dad is off to the football and its just assumed I'll be here holding down the fort - i get the impression it'll be like that all summer as i havent had the chance to get a job, but i have uni stuff to do which i already should have done and my mind s just spinning and i dont know how much longer i can handle it. i feel so responsible
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Comments
Firstly we would just like to say how very sorry for the loss of your grandad he sounded very special to you and also you dont sound selfish , just someone who has alot on their plate at the moment.
The loss of a loved one can be very hard and it sounds like you ve been holding down the fort trying to keep everyone strong, but your grieving has been put on hold. This is never a good thing as you will need to of load too.
Your right in what you said , everyone handles grief differently , as you say your dad is getting nasty and you feel your looking after every one.
Have you thought about talking with your dad or brother about the pressue you feel under?
You said your seeing a therapist are you able to open up to them about how your feeling? Its really important that you look after yourself at the very sad time.
Have you tryed looking at at these pages, you may find they help with the guilt your feeling for not being there when your grandad died. You never know it may have been what your grandad wanted,for you not to see him pass away and for him to be with your grandma.
take care, please use the site for support.
look after yourself
Just STOP.
Then see what happens.
Just wondered what that means STOP everything your doing? Was this the reply you intended?
I got the impression that the OP has ended up as a bit of a dogsbody .
minime- i cant see my therapist as my gran lives a way from home and im never back long enough to book an appointment. i havent seen her for nearly three weeks now which cant be helping - i am barely remembering to take my anx/depssn meds, and i couldnt tell you what the date is everythings lost sense right now. the link you sent isnt working btw.
i dont want to tell them how im feeling because it doesnt seem fair as we all have a lot to hink about right now.
morrocan- i can't stop. its not fair to use now to make a stand. im doing it for my gran who needs the support and if other people overlook what im doing or add to the load its not fair to take the support away from her to make a point to them. and they're grieving too.
at least i'll get a few days rest as im going home soon for a few days to sort out some uni things - mum at least has cottoned on to how this is effecting my mental health and has made sure dad knows about the uni thing to get me home. but i feel guilty just thinking of leaving right now, and i know it wont be for long.
you have had some great advice here already. Sorry to hear that the links weren't working. If you try clicking on the following ones - hopefully it should work. The links are to pages on TheSite that may help you to understand how you are feeling about the death of your Grandad, there is also a page on bereavement blame - this has a link to a resource called 'Cruse' - they run a helpline that you may find useful. Do let us know if these links aren't working too.
Death and guilt go hand in hand, it's about how you manage these feelings. It's right and normal for you to want to support your family during this tough time, but you must try to balance this out with your own needs too. It's great that your Mum has recognised what's going on for you and is supporting you. Perhaps you could plan ahead and try to get an appointment with your therapist and Doctors whilst you are at home. Perhaps even stay at home a few days longer than planed just to get these important things seen to?
Do take care and keep posting -
:yes: good luck.