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BF with Low Sex Drive

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hi everyone

Me and my bf have got into a bit of a rut. Nearly 3 weeks ago, my bf got ill and also, has been quite down recently. As a result, he has been not very affectionate and doesn't want to have sex.

This all came to a head the other night, when I got a bit upset about it and pushed him for a reason why. He just kept saying that he doesn't know why it is, and that he didn't know what I wanted him to say! But, stupidly, I kept pushing it...and then he ended up saying that he doesn't think he feels the same way about me anymore. That he loves me, but doesn't feel like he wants to be affectionate etc with me.

We stopped the conversation after this, and went to sleep. The next morning, he gave me a hug and told me to not worry about anything, that we would sort this out and work through it.

My head is just a mess at the mo. I'm scared that he is just going to keep drifting away from me, and then end things.

I think that if we just had sex, things would get back on track....but I have no idea how to initiate it! I don't want to put pressure on him, and I couldn't take too much more rejection!!

Any suggestions welcome! xxx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would suggest that you find out why your boyfriend is feeling down and ask him to be brutally honest. It sounds like there is a breakdown of communication here and when that happens, a relationship is more or less doomed for failure. You HAVE to talk.

    And if he has been unwell, that can indeed affect his sex drive - as does stress. If you are pressurising him for sex, you may be stressing him out more.

    So find out what he is feeling inside (e.g. work or money worries, maybe?) and tell him how you feel too. Reassure him that you love him and that you will do anything required to make this relationship work. Be ready to compromise that some 'fault' may lie at your door but also be honest with him about where he is going wrong (in a non-judgemental way, of course).

    The fact that he woke up indicating that he still wanted to be with you is a positive thing so I am sure that if you really do communicate your feelings, you'll be okay. Good luck! :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your reply Teagan.

    When we spoke the other night, I was very honest about my feelings, and told him how upsetting it is to feel him pulling away from me esp. as we were so close only a few weeks ago.

    All he says is that he has no idea what is wrong, he just feels rubbish and ill all the time. He even turned around and said that if he won a million pound, even that wouldn't make him happy. Only when I pushed him did he say that he thinks it might be because he doesn't love me in the same way anymore :(

    In general, we usually have quite good communication and if he is depressed then his behaviour makes sense. I am just desperate to turns things around before he gives up on us.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tolly wrote: »
    All he says is that he has no idea what is wrong, he just feels rubbish and ill all the time. He even turned around and said that if he won a million pound, even that wouldn't make him happy. Only when I pushed him did he say that he thinks it might be because he doesn't love me in the same way anymore :(

    It sounds more and more to me that he may be suffering from stress/depression. One symptom is that sufferers often do question their love for someone and push them away.

    Is there anything you can tell us about his day-to-day life? Is he a student? Or does he work? Could part of the stress be coming from there? How old are you both, by the way?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am 26 and he is 30. I agree with u Teagan, it would be highly likely if he were depressed. He didn't have a very good upbringing, and has had 2 children with someone else, and that whole situation was very upsetting for him...altho, he has a good relationship with his kids now, and gets on 'ok' with his ex.

    I think the problem might be a lack of direction in his life...he doesn't enjoy his job, but struggled really badly trying to find this job that I very much doubt he would consider leaving it. He doesn't really get on well with the people he works with, and rarely sees his friends, or has any hobbies....so nearly all his time is spent with me or at work, or seeing his kids every other weekend.

    I think he would happily agreed with the fact that he is depressed, and maybe that thought is the only thing keeping him with me at the moment...

    I am at a loss at what to do now tho. He is a typical bloke and think it would be very hard to make him so to the docs or to go and speak to someone about how he is feeling.

    He was quite a heavy drinker, but he has given up drinking completely at the moment in a bid to feel better. The last day he had a drink was funnily enough the last time that we had sex!

    Sorry to go on so much!!! Just typing this and getting it off my chest is making me feel better :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the additional info, Tolly.

    Hmmmmmm .... well, I think that what you need to do is read up about stress and depression and see if you can identify any sypmtoms that ring true for you.

    TheSite has some great articles to start with. Have a read through these :

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/workandstudy/working/workwelfare/workrelatedstress

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/drinkanddrugs/drinking/problems/alcoholandmentalhealth

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/lookingafteryourself/boostmentalhealth

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress/copingwithstress

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression/whatisdepression

    http://www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression/thepositivesideofdepression

    TheSite can also put you directly in contact with personal advisors :

    http://www.thesite.org/community/askthesite

    I know this is a lot of reading but I am sure that you believe your relationship is worth the effort.

    I'm pleased too that you are feeling better after writing this all out. Writing can be very cathartic. :)

    I am sure that once your partner understands that what he is going through is perfectly normal and can (will?) affect every one of us within our lifetimes, that there is no shame in seeking additional help.

    Best of luck! :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've had depression for 3ish years now and I can totally empathise with him if this is the problem - it affected my sex drive and too. I know that my then BF had a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I think you are doing great by asking for advise. Remember that depression does not just effect the people who have it; it is also so hard to see a loved one upset and you are entitled to feel you need support too.

    Just let him know you are there for him if he wants to talk, and remember if he is off sex it is not a reflection to you. Give in physical affection without the sexual indicators - lots of kisses and cuddles. Then he will know (without the awkward conversation) that you haven't gone off him and that when he is ready for sex, you are there.

    keep posting.
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