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Jealousy issue..
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, my name is Steve. I broke up with my girlfriend Sarah a few months ago. Was her choice and I didn't want to at all. 
Anyway, let me go back to the beginning. I met Sarah 2 years ago and we pretty much hit it off right away and started going out. A month or so before she met me though she was introduced to another guy called Tom with whom she got on very well with, but purely in a platonic sense (from her side anyway). They are very similar people she's told me and they have the same interests and humour. He had a huge crush on her and when he found out me and Sarah were getting close and ready to date he asked her to chose him over me. She didn't.
Anyway, me and Sarah went out for 2 years but Tom and Sarah remained friends, which I was totally fine with. I trusted her completely. I knew he still very much liked her though. During my relationship with Sarah we broke up a few times but got back together, and during one break-up (the penultimate break-up to our final one) he wrote her a letter telling her that he still liked her alot and that he felt he connected with her more than anyone he's ever met before. She knocked him back again and we went back out.
Unfortunately me and Sarah have since split and it seems it's final. Now I'm just terrified she's going to get with this guy. Not only because it'd hurt me but because both Tom and Sarah are in the same circle as my other friends, it'd make my life very difficult, having to see them together alot, which would be kind of unavoidable. I hate jealously, for me it's the most horrid feeling in the world and to be quite frank and honest, I'm not sure how I'd actually be able to cope if they were to get together.
Now me and Sarah still talk and I have raised this issue with her and she's been great about everything. Although it sometimes makes her angry when I bring it up, she always does her best to completely reassure me that nothing will happen between them because she's not interested, and that even IF she was, still nothing would happen because she wouldn't hurt me like that. I always bring up the point of them being similar as a case they'll get together but she turns this round on me and says that the fact they are too similar means it wouldn't work. Also, she's also described her ideal man to me (which essentially describes me) and apart from having the right hair colour, this guy is pretty much the polar opposite. Anyway, despite the constant reassurance, I still can't shake the fear of it happening and I hate it, I feel like a terrible person. After she's reassured me I'll feel fine for a little while and then the feelings will slip back, either for no reason at all or they'll text eachother/talk on MSN and I'll get jealous. Even worse is that I feel the more I ask her about this (even though she tells me it's fine to talk to her about it if I need to), it's kind of like the more likely it is to happen? Like I am almost forcing them together, or driving her towards him. Could this happen or am I being stupid?
Let me make it clear though, I've never said to her that she can't talk to him or be his friend, I've just raised concerns of them getting together. Also, I'm not standing in the way of her getting with anyone else, it's just this one guy for the reasons I've stated. So 'okay, I'm not gonna lie, when she does get with someone it'll hurt like hell but I know it's gonna happen and I'll man it out. It's just this one guy Tom that has me worrying.
My issues with this Tom guy only started after he wrote her that letter during our break at Christmas. Before then I'd never even mentioned it. However, before that she'd had issues herself with jealousy about my ex-girlfriend Jen. I broke up with Jen about 3 monthss before I met Sarah and me and Jen were still good friends, although that was all we were FRIENDS. I knew we'd never get back together but after being together for so long we were close and she'd kind of become like a sister. But Sarah would often get jealous and she was convinced I might run off back to her and I had to do a lot of reassuring.
So as you can see, she felt exactly about Jen as I do about Tom and so she knows how horrible it is. We used to discuss Jen and her fears, just as we've discussed Tom and my fears. It feels like we kind of have an understanding on this subject, like a mutual respect for how horrid jealousy is. That is why I'd feel it'd be a big slap in the face if she was to end up with him when she knows full well how utterly horrible jealousy is. Because we've both experienced intense jealousy I feel I should just trust her completely and stop worrying about this whole thing. But it's just alot easier said than done. I guess I'm cynical about male and female relationships, particularly between two people who are very similar and when one has such blatant and strong feelings for the other. I feel that eventually, he will make another move and that she might not resist.
I'm just sick of feeling this way and upsetting myself and at times, her too. I'm not a bad person but I feel guilty and pathetic that I feel like this and it's just really getting me down. I don't want to drive the girl away but if I don't sort out my insecurities I fear I will.
Any comments would be very welcome. Thanks.
Anyway, let me go back to the beginning. I met Sarah 2 years ago and we pretty much hit it off right away and started going out. A month or so before she met me though she was introduced to another guy called Tom with whom she got on very well with, but purely in a platonic sense (from her side anyway). They are very similar people she's told me and they have the same interests and humour. He had a huge crush on her and when he found out me and Sarah were getting close and ready to date he asked her to chose him over me. She didn't.
Anyway, me and Sarah went out for 2 years but Tom and Sarah remained friends, which I was totally fine with. I trusted her completely. I knew he still very much liked her though. During my relationship with Sarah we broke up a few times but got back together, and during one break-up (the penultimate break-up to our final one) he wrote her a letter telling her that he still liked her alot and that he felt he connected with her more than anyone he's ever met before. She knocked him back again and we went back out.
Unfortunately me and Sarah have since split and it seems it's final. Now I'm just terrified she's going to get with this guy. Not only because it'd hurt me but because both Tom and Sarah are in the same circle as my other friends, it'd make my life very difficult, having to see them together alot, which would be kind of unavoidable. I hate jealously, for me it's the most horrid feeling in the world and to be quite frank and honest, I'm not sure how I'd actually be able to cope if they were to get together.
Now me and Sarah still talk and I have raised this issue with her and she's been great about everything. Although it sometimes makes her angry when I bring it up, she always does her best to completely reassure me that nothing will happen between them because she's not interested, and that even IF she was, still nothing would happen because she wouldn't hurt me like that. I always bring up the point of them being similar as a case they'll get together but she turns this round on me and says that the fact they are too similar means it wouldn't work. Also, she's also described her ideal man to me (which essentially describes me) and apart from having the right hair colour, this guy is pretty much the polar opposite. Anyway, despite the constant reassurance, I still can't shake the fear of it happening and I hate it, I feel like a terrible person. After she's reassured me I'll feel fine for a little while and then the feelings will slip back, either for no reason at all or they'll text eachother/talk on MSN and I'll get jealous. Even worse is that I feel the more I ask her about this (even though she tells me it's fine to talk to her about it if I need to), it's kind of like the more likely it is to happen? Like I am almost forcing them together, or driving her towards him. Could this happen or am I being stupid?
Let me make it clear though, I've never said to her that she can't talk to him or be his friend, I've just raised concerns of them getting together. Also, I'm not standing in the way of her getting with anyone else, it's just this one guy for the reasons I've stated. So 'okay, I'm not gonna lie, when she does get with someone it'll hurt like hell but I know it's gonna happen and I'll man it out. It's just this one guy Tom that has me worrying.
My issues with this Tom guy only started after he wrote her that letter during our break at Christmas. Before then I'd never even mentioned it. However, before that she'd had issues herself with jealousy about my ex-girlfriend Jen. I broke up with Jen about 3 monthss before I met Sarah and me and Jen were still good friends, although that was all we were FRIENDS. I knew we'd never get back together but after being together for so long we were close and she'd kind of become like a sister. But Sarah would often get jealous and she was convinced I might run off back to her and I had to do a lot of reassuring.
So as you can see, she felt exactly about Jen as I do about Tom and so she knows how horrible it is. We used to discuss Jen and her fears, just as we've discussed Tom and my fears. It feels like we kind of have an understanding on this subject, like a mutual respect for how horrid jealousy is. That is why I'd feel it'd be a big slap in the face if she was to end up with him when she knows full well how utterly horrible jealousy is. Because we've both experienced intense jealousy I feel I should just trust her completely and stop worrying about this whole thing. But it's just alot easier said than done.
I guess I'm cynical about male and female relationships, particularly between two people who are very similar and when one has such blatant and strong feelings for the other. I feel that eventually, he will make another move and that she might not resist.I'm just sick of feeling this way and upsetting myself and at times, her too. I'm not a bad person but I feel guilty and pathetic that I feel like this and it's just really getting me down. I don't want to drive the girl away but if I don't sort out my insecurities I fear I will.
Any comments would be very welcome. Thanks.
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Comments
I think at this stage it's unlikely anything will happen between them and more likely she meets someone else altogether.
While it is good to be on good terms with your ex sometimes a bit of space is good. It enables you to go out with different or old friends and spend time socialising without them so you can become a person on your own again and not attached to someone. Do you still see her alot?
I am? I don't think I am at all, really. As I said, she will meet someone else and although it will hurt me I'm not going to get in the way of that at all or make things difficult for her.
It's just this one guy, and as I tried to convey as best as possible in my post, there is history on this subject and something I feel very strongly about, which she knows. I feel about him, just as she did about my ex. I know how much that upset her and how utterly convinced she was I was going to run off back to my ex. It made her feel awful. Anyway, it's not as if I've even said to her 'you CAN'T get with Tom', I haven't at all. I've just told her what has been on my mind because when I'm upset she asks and likes me to be open with her. You also have to understand, as I said, it's not just an issue of them two hooking up, there is the whole circle of friends aspect too. Tom lives with 2 of my closest friends, and alot of my other friends all regularly hang with these guys too. I'd not only have to suffer through Sarah and Tom getting together, but I'd also probably lose those friends too, atleast it'd change my relationship with them.
I'm sorry if my first post was poorly worded or anything, but the thrust of this thread is getting advice on how to deal with this jealousy I'm feeling, tips on that. It's not like I'm asking for ways to ensure they never get together or anything.
Would I get back with her? Yes. Am I trying to? Not anymore, no.
I don't see her much anymore, no.
Tom isn't like your situation with Sarah and Jen because Tom never actually went out with Sarah. There is a big difference.
You haven't actually said anything bad about Tom so I presume that he is an okay guy?
You can't expect Sarah not to go out with Tom just because you may feel jealous and uncomfortable. It's her life and she should be able to pursue a relationship with ANYONE that may give her a chance for happiness.
It's a shit position to be in but perhaps you just need to stay away from that circle of friends until you resolve your inner conflicts about the two of them either hanging out, or going out together. As you mentioned, you don't see much of her anyway.
I appreciate that you need some advice on how to deal with your jealousy though. This is tough, but you need to try and be positive about things, an ex is an ex for a reason, you have broken up with Sarah several times before so to me it seems like the two of you aren't meant to be! Therefore move on and see this as an opportunity to meet someone new, you will meet someone else and be really happy, so why care what Sarah is doing?