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the relationahip has reached breaking point but is it right to end it?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My head is literally spinning and I don't know what to do. the minute I think I've made a decision, a while later I have doubts.
I'm 25, and my partner is 29. We have lived together for a year and a half, he has 2 children and is divorced. We have lived wih my sister for a year, and are due to move into our new house and day now (as soon as the inventory has been completed). We have been waiting for the house to become vacant for 5 months, but weren't expecting to be able to move in till the begining of september - the early moving in date has taken me by surprise.
To start with I was over the moon when we found the house, and really excited about us having our own place, but now I'm not sure how I feel. When the estate agent gave me the 'good news' I had an immediate feeling of dread. Not a good sign!
I think it's because for the past couple of months I have found it increasingly difficult to cope with the children. The stay with us every weekend (one night 2 days) and every Tuesday. My partner looks after them at his ex's every Thursday as she goes out. They are usually well behaved when they stay over, sometimes they get a bit hyperactive, but that's normal for a 9 yr old and a 4 yr old. Normally they calm down when asked, but lately it takes a couple of goes, and the youngest has started to answer back (to everyone, not just me) and I'm finding it more difficult to tollerate. I have noticed that with each visit I'm feeling more agitated, and I dread them coming over, I'd never ask my partner not to see his children, but I don't want to spend my weekends with children.
I've spoken to my sister about this, and she thinks I should move into the house with him and see how things go, otherwise I'll always wonder if living on our own would have made a difference. Initially I wanted to scream because moving into that house was the last thing I wanted. Then I began to think about it, and maybe it would be a good idea? Or would it be unfair, to move in and then after a month or two turn round and finish it?
He is a good guy, and he has a good heart, but he's not the sort of bloke to show much affection, and his children do come first, our lives revolve around them, we rarely go out just as a couple. Until recently when in the past 2 months we have been out 3 times, to the cinema twice and for a meal (fist time ever) last week. Today I got a text and he put 'Love you' at the end. My friends say it's because he knows something is up, so he is making an effort, even if that were the case, it's still good that he is trying, isn't it? Although I do think perhaps it is too little too late, as I have spoken to him many times since Christmas about the time we spend together and that I need more from him emotionally. Things change for a couple of weeks and then go back to normal.
This time it seems he has doen things off his own back, but I must admit I don't see it lasting. I can't remember how it came up, but it wasn't part of a serious conversation, he mentioned marriage and I said "maybe, maybe not" (in the jokey context of the conversation - secretly thinking christ don't ask me), and he said "Oh so you don't want to marry me, if you don't then what's the point in this relationship" I think perhaps he was being serious, I never can tell, he jokes and takes the micky so much that I'm never sure. I've been thinking about it ever since, would I marry him, a year ago I thought I would, then at Christmas I began having second thoughts, mainly because it was the first major even (Christmas is very important to my family) which highlighted the life we'd have - him over his ex's with the kids christmas eve, and back over there christmas morning. My family went away last year and he couldn't come, I understood, but it started me thinking.
I see photos of my friends on facebook, having fun, going out to clubs, days at the beach, going on holidays with eachother or thier boyfriends. I'm envious, dare I say jealous. I see them having the freedom to do what they please, not all of them are single but thier boyfriends don't have children.
I think I have made my mind up, but I can't commit to that decision, his text today threw me and made me think we could make it work, but then I wrote this post and I'm reminded of how difficult this is. I've always said "if everything was easy then nothing would be worth doing" but how much is enough, how much effort and sacrifice should a relationship need? Or how much does it take before it's time to call it a day?
If I'm having trouble with the kids now, will moving into the house improve the situation, or will it make it worse??? Why can't I bite the bullet and end it? Can I spend the rest of my life with him and the kids?
I'm 25, and my partner is 29. We have lived together for a year and a half, he has 2 children and is divorced. We have lived wih my sister for a year, and are due to move into our new house and day now (as soon as the inventory has been completed). We have been waiting for the house to become vacant for 5 months, but weren't expecting to be able to move in till the begining of september - the early moving in date has taken me by surprise.
To start with I was over the moon when we found the house, and really excited about us having our own place, but now I'm not sure how I feel. When the estate agent gave me the 'good news' I had an immediate feeling of dread. Not a good sign!
I think it's because for the past couple of months I have found it increasingly difficult to cope with the children. The stay with us every weekend (one night 2 days) and every Tuesday. My partner looks after them at his ex's every Thursday as she goes out. They are usually well behaved when they stay over, sometimes they get a bit hyperactive, but that's normal for a 9 yr old and a 4 yr old. Normally they calm down when asked, but lately it takes a couple of goes, and the youngest has started to answer back (to everyone, not just me) and I'm finding it more difficult to tollerate. I have noticed that with each visit I'm feeling more agitated, and I dread them coming over, I'd never ask my partner not to see his children, but I don't want to spend my weekends with children.
I've spoken to my sister about this, and she thinks I should move into the house with him and see how things go, otherwise I'll always wonder if living on our own would have made a difference. Initially I wanted to scream because moving into that house was the last thing I wanted. Then I began to think about it, and maybe it would be a good idea? Or would it be unfair, to move in and then after a month or two turn round and finish it?
He is a good guy, and he has a good heart, but he's not the sort of bloke to show much affection, and his children do come first, our lives revolve around them, we rarely go out just as a couple. Until recently when in the past 2 months we have been out 3 times, to the cinema twice and for a meal (fist time ever) last week. Today I got a text and he put 'Love you' at the end. My friends say it's because he knows something is up, so he is making an effort, even if that were the case, it's still good that he is trying, isn't it? Although I do think perhaps it is too little too late, as I have spoken to him many times since Christmas about the time we spend together and that I need more from him emotionally. Things change for a couple of weeks and then go back to normal.
This time it seems he has doen things off his own back, but I must admit I don't see it lasting. I can't remember how it came up, but it wasn't part of a serious conversation, he mentioned marriage and I said "maybe, maybe not" (in the jokey context of the conversation - secretly thinking christ don't ask me), and he said "Oh so you don't want to marry me, if you don't then what's the point in this relationship" I think perhaps he was being serious, I never can tell, he jokes and takes the micky so much that I'm never sure. I've been thinking about it ever since, would I marry him, a year ago I thought I would, then at Christmas I began having second thoughts, mainly because it was the first major even (Christmas is very important to my family) which highlighted the life we'd have - him over his ex's with the kids christmas eve, and back over there christmas morning. My family went away last year and he couldn't come, I understood, but it started me thinking.
I see photos of my friends on facebook, having fun, going out to clubs, days at the beach, going on holidays with eachother or thier boyfriends. I'm envious, dare I say jealous. I see them having the freedom to do what they please, not all of them are single but thier boyfriends don't have children.
I think I have made my mind up, but I can't commit to that decision, his text today threw me and made me think we could make it work, but then I wrote this post and I'm reminded of how difficult this is. I've always said "if everything was easy then nothing would be worth doing" but how much is enough, how much effort and sacrifice should a relationship need? Or how much does it take before it's time to call it a day?
If I'm having trouble with the kids now, will moving into the house improve the situation, or will it make it worse??? Why can't I bite the bullet and end it? Can I spend the rest of my life with him and the kids?
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Comments
Every weekend does sound like a lot. You must feel like you never get a break. Would you feel better if it were every other weekend? Is that even a possibility. Thats a more normal arrangement in my experience.
It sounds like he is a devoted parent, but its a lot to ask someone to be a devoted stepparent without a break.
I dont think youre selfish if you say youre not up for it.
Thats better than going along with it resentfully and then ending up leaving anyway
Luckily, we have them stay every other weekend, so there is plenty of time for me and him to spend time alone together. This is very important, and even the best relationships wear thin without this time together.
My partner is also very good at making me feel loved and special, and doesn't spend time with his children round his exe's.
On the otherhand, I have worked very hard to accept this situation and have as a result, got very good relationships with these kids. I love seeing them and doing things as a 'family'. I knew that at the beginning of my relationship I had to accept that the kids were always going to be in my life if I were to continue a relationship with my partner.
That is what I think you need to do. Ask yourself whether this is the life you want, whether you will learn to be a part of these children's lives? This life is very different from that of most of your friends. I don't believe you can have both easily.
If your guy didn't love you, he wouldn't have told you he loved you, he wouldn't have introduced you to his children, he wouldn't want to move in with you, he wouldn't talk to you about marriage. I think that you are trying to find blame for how you are feeling in his behaviour.
We could all be better partners to our boyfriends / girlfriends...have you asked yourself how much affection you show him, or how many times you try to arrange an evening out?? Sometimes guys are very straightforward and need a gentle nudge in the right direction!
Don't spend your time resenting him or this situation. Either make efforts to fix it, or get out now. Life is far too short.