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I feel guilty but I dnt no y.. Help!!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I have recently became a victim of sexual assault and abduction by my boyfriend, well.. ex now. He has appeared in court however pleaded not guilty and was relased on bail, which means I now have to go and give evidence. Ever since the incident, I have hit depression. I am constantly crying, won't go out the house, can't trust anyone, not eatting or sleeping and drinking alcohol more. I feel that I am to blame for it all because we was arguing before the incident happened but I started the arguement. It just got way out of control. I feel I can't go to court and give evidence against him because I still love him and if he gets a jail sentence, I couldn't live knowing I'm the one that put him there over a silly arguement. I am thinking about droppin the charges against him but I'm scared incase I get charged for perverting the court of justice or if the police have a go at me for it. Any advice on what to do?? I'm all ears. :crying:

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You musn't feel guilty for any of this. There is absolutely no excuse for ANY kind of assault, you did nothing to bring this on. Even if you did start the arguement, he had no right to do anything to you, and deserved to be punished for what he did.

    Seperating the good points from the bad points is the thing to do here. I know that its hard not to think about all the nice things he's done and how wonderful he is, but try to rememer that all that is now void and irrelevant, and who he really is, is the guy who assaulted you.

    I think you should definately distance yourself from him from now on and make sure that you're absolutely sure what evidence you're going to give.

    Good luck, hope it all goes well for you. Sray strong. xxx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow that's a tough one, very tough indeed.

    You really should ask for some expert advice on this matter, or
    take a long hard think about how the whole incident affected you
    and what are the just desserts for his actions.

    Maybe it was extremely violent and if it was, then you need to make
    sure you are well aware that violence is wrong and should not
    be accepted no matter how much you love someone.

    I'm not able to comment much more on this one, as I don't know
    the full details, nor do i want to, get some advice from people
    close to you that know the ins and outs.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's quite normal to feel guilty or blame yourself in this sort of situation. But don't let it get the better of you, because you've got nothing to feel guilty for and it's certainly not your fault. No matter what the argument, that is never an excuse for any assault, and certainly not a sexual assault. He committed the assault, and he must face up to the responsibility. You'll do him no favours if you let him get away with it, you'll certainly do yourself no favours, and you'll do no favours to other people who might be a victim of his temper in the future. It's something he's got to work through, and the criminal justice system is the proper place for him to do it imo.

    But more importantly, take care of yourself. There are plenty of people who can help people in your situation, and I'm sure someone with more knowledge than me will point you in the right direction. It might help to talk to someone with experience of what you've been through.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey there,

    Well done for speaking out about this. I hope hearing the kind and honest words of others offers some reassurance that there are plenty of good people out there who will be totally on your side and help you to find a way forward through this extremely difficult experience.

    I'm With Stupid is right on the money, there are people who can help you and you can get such help in confidence.

    Womens Aid has a helpline that you can call on 0808 2000 247 it's freephone and open 24 hours. Or if you feel more comfortable putting things in writing then you can email helpline@womensaid.org.uk

    Here are some FAQs about what to expect.

    Another organisation that you may find helpful is the Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Centre - particularly if you're feeling like some sort of counselling or therapy would benefit you.

    Finally, it's worth knowing that many women who experience some of the things you mention end up feeling very depressed, but with the right care and attention you can and will come out the other side.

    Take care and keep posting.
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