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just found out my partner is a self harmer
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, i've never written on a forum before but i really need some help and advise and maybe a friend. I feel like i have let my partner down as he has been self harming for the 6 years we have been together and longer before that and i knew nothing about it. How can that happen, it makes me angry at myself how can you not notice that going on? When i notice any cuts he said it was the cat.
He thought i would leave him but that didn't even cross my mind, i kept calm and asked him if he wanted to stop. He said he wasn't sure which i can except, i might not like it but i understand it's not going to just stop now i've been told. He says he feels like a freak for doing it which i think means he does want to stop. I know it's not me causing this but in a way that feels worse because if its not my fault i cant fix it. He's always suffured with deppression in varying degrees. I said that if he wants me to go to the doctor with him then i would, he's scared they're going to lock him up and he doesn't want to be put on pills. It happens when i go to bed and he's on his own, i've asked him to come and wake me if he thinks he's going to cut himself but i'm not sure he will.
He thought i would leave him but that didn't even cross my mind, i kept calm and asked him if he wanted to stop. He said he wasn't sure which i can except, i might not like it but i understand it's not going to just stop now i've been told. He says he feels like a freak for doing it which i think means he does want to stop. I know it's not me causing this but in a way that feels worse because if its not my fault i cant fix it. He's always suffured with deppression in varying degrees. I said that if he wants me to go to the doctor with him then i would, he's scared they're going to lock him up and he doesn't want to be put on pills. It happens when i go to bed and he's on his own, i've asked him to come and wake me if he thinks he's going to cut himself but i'm not sure he will.
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And on the site there is a bit under Health and Wellbeing where there is a bit about self harming. If you havn't already try reading it.
Hope this all helps tell us how you get on. If you don't mind.
Good luck. :thumb:
It will get better.
I would just like to ask a few questions about your partner.
Has he seen his GP regarding his depression?
Has this been a diagnosis?
How old is your partner?
Maybe you could suggest that your partner looks at the website so he also gets the help and support that may enable him to deal with his self harm.
As this is all very new to you I can only imagine it to be really scarey for both of you. It is important that your partner wants to get help and that he doesn't feel any pressure into stopping.
In time he may find alternantives to self harming but as you stated he has been doing this secretly for 6 years.
I have posted a link for you that you and your partner may find helpful.
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/supportgroupsandwebsites
Firstly, you shouldn't blame yourself for not noticing. People who self-harm are often very secretive about their behaviour and some will do anything to hide what they are doing from their loved ones. So please don't worry.
You're right in saying that it could be hard for him to just stop immedietly. It could be the only way he knows how to deal with his feelings, a coping mechanism for his depression maybe. Its important that he doesn't feel like a freak, and that he knows there are other people out there who do the same and feel the same. And above all there are people who can help him.
You sound like you're being really supportive so well done for that! Doctors only section people as a last resort, and if he goes to his GP hopefully he can get some sort of talking therapy instead of medication. If you're worried perhaps you could talk to your own GP and find out what they would advise? As long as he knows that you're willing to be there for him when he feels like cutting himself, you've done all you can do, and please don't feel guilty or angry if he doesn't wake you.
And please, look after youself! Whether you recognise this right now or not, its likely to put some extra strain on you and your relationship. So if you ever feel like its getting too much, you can also get support, maybe through a friend or another service.
All the best with it
Hi, it sounds like your partner has had a really bad experience of therapy, I've had 3 bouts of counselling, and on my 3rd I finally found someone who I felt ok with, and we built a trusting and professional relationship, which helped me deal with my problems.
I self harmed for about 18 months- 2 years, and stopped harming about 6-9 months ago, if you think that you partner does want to stop, or if anyone else reading this does, then PM me, and I can list you a load of tips and things which helped me, most from lots of different forums
I've not had CBT mayself, but my ex was referred for a few sessions a while back. Anyone who's had first hand experience of it feel free to correct me... But from my understanding, the basic idea behind it is challenging feelings of anxiety/depression/negativity and trying to help the person spot patterns and gain awareness of when things are getting too much and give them ideas of how they can possibly replace these thoughts and actions with something more positiveand less damaging. I think it can be offered as an individual or group therapy (my ex was referred for the group one). He was asked to keep a diary for a few weeks and record times when he felt angry or anxious and what he did and thought.
In terms of whether it helped him, it's difficult to say. Sometimes he would come back from a session in a really positive mood, other times he was too depressed to get out of bed to go. I guess it's down to the individual and what they want and expect to get out of it. If your partner feels like generally life is ok, but it's just certain situations and events that seem to triggar the harming, he may find CBT helpful as it's fairly goal orientated. If he feels generally depressed on a daily basis and challenges attempts to help him, it may take longer for the therapy to have any effect, and the doctor may suggest other options alongside CBT. This is just my opinion from experiences of people I know who've had the therapy. Some friends have benefited greatly in a short space of time, after they've been desperate for change. I would say do your own research as and when the doc suggests therapies, be there for your boyfriend to bounce ideas off as to what he may like to try, but try to encourage him to make the decision as to what he wants to do.
Good luck with it, and as purplestarfish says, make sure you look after yourself too :thumb: