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This is insensitive, non?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, so as many of you might know, I lost my mum about 7 months ago. She had been sick for a long time but I'm obviously still very upset about it.
My dad has been really low and then all of a sudden he got back in touch with this lady. She also happens to be my Godmother, but she disappeared out of my life after she pissed off my mum about 11 years ago when my mum found out she had cancer. She basically said to my dad, should my mum die she would want to be with him. My mum, quite rightly took offence and we didn't see her for ten odd years.
Now my dad is back in touch with her and acting all... coupley. I'm pleased that my dad has someone to talk to and I'd rather it were her than some stranger who didn't know my mother but he asked me something the other day that REALLY upset me. He doesn't seem to think that he's done anything wrong but I think he was highly insensitive and almost callous.
My mum loved her shiny bits of jewelry, every single piece she had tells a story, a trip, a birthday, an anniversary etc. She has pieces that were left to her by an elderly neighbour who became like an adoptive mother to her.
This jewelry she left to my sister and I, on the condition that we picked out bits for my nieces and we saved some so should I ever have girls they would have something of their grandmother's.
My dad then turned around to me the other day and said "Can I have a look through mum's jewelry to give "insert lady's name here" to her for her 60th birthday? I'd like to give her something special but funds are tight at the moment."
He also did it in public so I wouldn't go MAD at him. He really upset me and really hurt me. I don't care if he buys her something himself but that jewelry is not his to give to his new... whatever she is.
I am currently very pissed off with him right now and barely speaking to him. He knows what he has done is wrong and really does not need any further explanation. The very fact he has asked that even though I've said to my sister I'm not ready to even consider going through jewelry has left me fuming and completely and utterly bemused as to what is going on in my father's head.
Thoughts?
My dad has been really low and then all of a sudden he got back in touch with this lady. She also happens to be my Godmother, but she disappeared out of my life after she pissed off my mum about 11 years ago when my mum found out she had cancer. She basically said to my dad, should my mum die she would want to be with him. My mum, quite rightly took offence and we didn't see her for ten odd years.
Now my dad is back in touch with her and acting all... coupley. I'm pleased that my dad has someone to talk to and I'd rather it were her than some stranger who didn't know my mother but he asked me something the other day that REALLY upset me. He doesn't seem to think that he's done anything wrong but I think he was highly insensitive and almost callous.
My mum loved her shiny bits of jewelry, every single piece she had tells a story, a trip, a birthday, an anniversary etc. She has pieces that were left to her by an elderly neighbour who became like an adoptive mother to her.
This jewelry she left to my sister and I, on the condition that we picked out bits for my nieces and we saved some so should I ever have girls they would have something of their grandmother's.
My dad then turned around to me the other day and said "Can I have a look through mum's jewelry to give "insert lady's name here" to her for her 60th birthday? I'd like to give her something special but funds are tight at the moment."
He also did it in public so I wouldn't go MAD at him. He really upset me and really hurt me. I don't care if he buys her something himself but that jewelry is not his to give to his new... whatever she is.
I am currently very pissed off with him right now and barely speaking to him. He knows what he has done is wrong and really does not need any further explanation. The very fact he has asked that even though I've said to my sister I'm not ready to even consider going through jewelry has left me fuming and completely and utterly bemused as to what is going on in my father's head.
Thoughts?
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Comments
It must be hard for all concerned and i wouldnt be too hard on the other woman because it sound like she backed off when she had to, and I feel there probably would never be a right time for you to accept her, but i do think that your dad asking for some of your mums jewellery for her is both insensitive to you, and probably insensitive to your godmother if there is a relationship developing there
((hugs))
Put a positive spin on it
I can understand why you feel as you do, it was insensitive to assume you'd not have a problem with his request.
You've been very mature so far in your attitude towards your Godmother and perhaps that made your dad think somehow you'd be okay with this. Did he ask you in public on purpose? He might have just not thought it through properly.
If you can bring yourself to help him find some other alternative gift for her then that would be a compromise, letting him know that what he asked was very insensitive to your feelings and upset you a great deal, but that you're willing to help him do something nice on a budget, would show that you want to move on and move past it. But you shouldn't feel obligated to - its not your friend's birthday its his.
Often 'special' gifts don't have to be jewellery or anything that costs the earth - he could make her a cake, arrange a picnic or a trip to a free museum / gallery or even something as simple as going for a special walk. All of these things show consideration to her birthday but don't cost the earth.
But these are for him to make the effort to do, not you and you don't need to be involved. Often the cheapest things with more effort mean so much more than a piece of jewellery anyway.
You're doing so well and shouldn't feel that your reaction was uncalled for, I'd have probably felt the same way.
Keep posting and I hope things are better for you soon,
Lisa
Maybe you should have a chat with him about how you feel, It sounds like you have been really sensible about the situation and if you haven't let your dad know how strong your grief still is right now he may not realise how difficult you are finding it. People move on through the stages of grieving for a loved one at different paces and maybe your dad moved on much more quickly than you and was more prepared for her death when it came.
As of yet, we haven't, my sister wants to do it soon but everytime even look at one of the boxes it breaks my heart. We've already taken the extra special things (she had two engagement rings, my sister and I each have one and a maple leaf brooch she got for her 21st (She was Canadian)). I need to go through it soon though but it's just getting the time right and things between my sister and I aren't amazing at the moment so I'd rather get that back on track before we do it.
Have offered to help my dad with a gift and he seemed pleased with that. I truly think he was asking me in public just to stop me from going mad, my temper has been a little short as of recently and I think he knew that it would upset me.
Thanks again guys
Xxx