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Please, please help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I always had a relatively happy life, up until secondary school, where I started to get bullied.
This came to a head in Year 9, when out of nowhere the bully came up to me and punched me hard in the back of the neck.
Now I have seen a chiropractor (unsuccesfully) and am now going to another specialist who I have been referred to, who hopefully can relieve the problem, although I have been told I am probably going to have to keep the clicking/cracking in my neck.

It is this clicking/cracking which I have got ever since I got punched.
You could say that I may have got a cracking neck anyway, but I'll never know.

Anyway, this may interest the psychology students amongst you, I hope you can help (Yes I know this is no substitute for professional help, but as I am on a long waiting list, I would appreciate help from you TSR!)...

Basically, every time my neck clicks, I get upset, thinking it shouldn't be happening, because I didn't deserve to get punched. This is annoying but I can live with it.
It is when I get an "extreme" case that I get upset.
Let me give you a real life example that happened recently:
Suppose I had to be on the phone for half an hour to my doctor about my neck (which I believe wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the punch), then I missed the chance to talk to someone. (I heard them outside while I was on the phone, but when I had finished they were gone).

I then worried about this when I heard them the next day outside my room. By this I mean I hesitated and thought whether I should just burst out and talk to them or not, as we haven't really spoken before.
It would undoubtedly have helped my confidence if we had spoken the night before, but of course I was on the phone because of my neck.

I now think of many things that "would have" happened had we spoken, but that haven't happened.

You must be thinking: just talk to them now. Well thats the problem: I don't think this is "the right time" and am worried that if anything goes wrong in the conversation its getting too late to call friends for support on this.

It is this chain of thought: If I never got punched, I wouldn't have been on the phone then, we would have chatted yesterday, we could then have chatted more today, we would be on our way to becoming great friends.

that annoys me, because that is not true.
I could try and make friends today, but if it doesn't work I will be so upset.
Its like being normally upset at someone rejecting you I guess, but with the added damage of it being because of an old bully.


I welcome you guys to challenge my thoughts, and give me good advice.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well for starters it's a good sign that you've got some understanding of where your current problems are coming from. That's always going to be a really important part of dealing with any psychological issue.

    From what you've said it's pretty clear that it isn't the actually problem with your neck that's causing you concern, but how it's linked to the previous bullying and the effect of that on your own confidence.

    You say you're already on a long waiting list, which I assume you mean is for counselling to help with the issues, rather than the actual cracking. I don't know what chance that leaves you to influence the type of counselling you might receive but something like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) might be really useful.

    CBT is heavily focused on the idea that some problems can be caused by the way people are thinking about them. When you describe how you are convincing yourself that you've missed your chance for the perfect introduction then this suggests it might be helpful.

    After all, you're obviously consciously aware that the the bully hasn't directly prevented you having the conversation but that you're emotionally linking the events to create something that will be more upsetting.

    And I'm not for a second saying that because the problem is in part due to how your mind is reacting to the situation that you should be able to simply overcome it on your own. Something like CBT and any good counsellor from most disciplines should be able to help with building your confidence.

    It might be worth taking a look at the Mood Gym website - it's a great Australian website that aims to provide an effective CBT self-help programme to dealing with negative feelings and thoughts. There's nothing to say it will work but between now and seeing a counsellor it could be a useful focus to help you overcome your anxiety.

    I don't know how helpful it will be around actually feeling upset when you hear your neck crack - that sounds like something that will take time and understanding to deal with. Traumatic events can leave marks on the mind as well as the body. But maybe you can find support on a website like Mood Gym to deal with where those issues are spreading into other areas of your life.

    You might also want to call Supportline when you feel upset - they are available on 020 8554 9004. They provide emotional support and would give you someone to vent to about how the situation is making you feel.

    Anyway, I hope things gets better and despite the long waiting lists, there is help out there that can make a difference.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh and just a quick extra - this is probably better in our health section, so I'll move it over there if that's okay :)

    Welcome to TheSite btw!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I h8 bullies
    I was bullied 4 like 9 yr for yr 2 to like yr 9
    they seem 2 think they r better than every1 else
    well day aint
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bullies have alot of reasons why they.. well, Bully!, It can be because they dont feel good about themselves, because they may have an issue/problem/illness, and some of them dont even realize they are doing it. When i got bullied, first thing i did was tell them what they were doing wrong, and explain how it could get them into trouble, ie- I could of went to court about one girl who assaulted me with a bat. *The wooden thing not the flying thing. ;) ) Then if they carried on, told someone, teacher, Parent/guardian and even the police if its that serious. Schools have rules and regulations, and they should have a bullying code of conduct, as they HAVE to deal with bullying seriously.

    This is NOT your fault bullyvictim, its the bully's. You cannot let this bother you now, you need to be strong and keep telling yourself that you are better than that bully and that he/she will not keep you from enjoying your life.
    Speaking to a doctor/family member/counciller is good for letting all your emotions out and just making you feel better, eventually you will forget about this horrible experience and start living life to the full again!
    Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So sorry to hear that you have been bullied in this way.

    I hate anyone who is a bully. I was bullied constantly in my school life.
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