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Fell for a friend but he said no.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I know this is something a lot of people have also been through from reading their posts. Everyone one of them are unique among a theme. I don't really know how to deal with the heartbreak. This is probably the first time this has happened to me.
So, I'm 21. I met this guy back in my freshers year about two years ago. We were in the same hall in uni. We clicked, had some common interests. We could spend ages talking. I learnt more and more about him,eg he seemed to be getting over and missing his ex-girlfriend.
There were lots of flirting between us; lots of playful fighting, hugging. Although thinking back now, maybe he's just an affectionate person as some people are, who would probably behave in the same way to many other girls. So we were good friends, lots of our friends thought we were dating but we weren't. We were never a couple, just friends. I plucked up the courage to tell him the way i feel about him in summer. And after a brief chat, the conclusion was we should just 'see how it goes'.
In our second year we stayed friends, as if we never had that conversation. In NYE we kisssed, mostly because we were both drunk, i reckon. We never mentioned it afterwards. Things were just as they were before, we saw each other around the campus from time to time and had common friends.
After exams in the summer, we went on a 'date'. I wasn't sure if it was just to do something together to catch up, as friends, after not seeing each other during the exam period or it was really a date date. Either way, it was nice to catch up.
In our third year, things were the same. We hung out together sometimes. One day, he mentioned his feelings about starting to date another girl. It was as if something kicked me in the stomach, which i didn't quite expect. I was pretty upset, and felt stupid for feeling that way too. After spilling my feelings to my flatmate, he suggested telling my good friend about the way I feel about him, again. I thought I could just ask once more, so i wouldn't regret later on in life not ever asking. I thought I could just find out. If he says no, I could just move on, stop being uncertain about where we stand and get on with my life.
I was wrong, you can't just move on in a click of a finger, emotions are a lot harder to deal with than i expected. Towards the end of a long catch-up over coffee, i brought up the courage to tell my friend the way i feel about him. He did the same and it turned out he did feel something before. He said it in a nice way, but i understood that he meant a no. We both wanted to stay friends as i originally intended to afterwards and it's still that way now, or at least I hope.
I thought I would be ok. Most days it's ok. But at times when i least expect it the heartache washes over me, the ones that seems to never go away, as much as i want to stop being sad and stop crying over something that didn't work out. We were never 'a couple' anyway. My flatmate has been really sweet, lending me an ear and a shoulder and being comforting. Talking about it helps but I find i still cannot get over it, after three months. Sometimes i wonder how long it'll take to stop feeling like this.
I'm confused over the way I feel. It's good to take time to 'grieve' but what is there to grieve? I feel like I should stop being pathetic over this because in the big picture it isn't that important. It happens at some point in life, right? And worse things can happen in life. But no matter how much I focus on my work, hanging out with friends, playing sports, being busy in general to try not to dwell on it too much, at times I still find myself feeling so sad. I miss him so much and would want to talk to him as friends again, just as before. Sometimes when we happen to see one another around the campus, it's exaclty like that. But deep down I konw it's not the same anymore. I'm distancing myself so I won't get hurt again. I feel like I've lost a friend completely and that makes me sad.
What should I do to get over this 'relationship' and move on? Thank you for reading all this, i didn't quite expect it to be this long.
So, I'm 21. I met this guy back in my freshers year about two years ago. We were in the same hall in uni. We clicked, had some common interests. We could spend ages talking. I learnt more and more about him,eg he seemed to be getting over and missing his ex-girlfriend.
There were lots of flirting between us; lots of playful fighting, hugging. Although thinking back now, maybe he's just an affectionate person as some people are, who would probably behave in the same way to many other girls. So we were good friends, lots of our friends thought we were dating but we weren't. We were never a couple, just friends. I plucked up the courage to tell him the way i feel about him in summer. And after a brief chat, the conclusion was we should just 'see how it goes'.
In our second year we stayed friends, as if we never had that conversation. In NYE we kisssed, mostly because we were both drunk, i reckon. We never mentioned it afterwards. Things were just as they were before, we saw each other around the campus from time to time and had common friends.
After exams in the summer, we went on a 'date'. I wasn't sure if it was just to do something together to catch up, as friends, after not seeing each other during the exam period or it was really a date date. Either way, it was nice to catch up.
In our third year, things were the same. We hung out together sometimes. One day, he mentioned his feelings about starting to date another girl. It was as if something kicked me in the stomach, which i didn't quite expect. I was pretty upset, and felt stupid for feeling that way too. After spilling my feelings to my flatmate, he suggested telling my good friend about the way I feel about him, again. I thought I could just ask once more, so i wouldn't regret later on in life not ever asking. I thought I could just find out. If he says no, I could just move on, stop being uncertain about where we stand and get on with my life.
I was wrong, you can't just move on in a click of a finger, emotions are a lot harder to deal with than i expected. Towards the end of a long catch-up over coffee, i brought up the courage to tell my friend the way i feel about him. He did the same and it turned out he did feel something before. He said it in a nice way, but i understood that he meant a no. We both wanted to stay friends as i originally intended to afterwards and it's still that way now, or at least I hope.
I thought I would be ok. Most days it's ok. But at times when i least expect it the heartache washes over me, the ones that seems to never go away, as much as i want to stop being sad and stop crying over something that didn't work out. We were never 'a couple' anyway. My flatmate has been really sweet, lending me an ear and a shoulder and being comforting. Talking about it helps but I find i still cannot get over it, after three months. Sometimes i wonder how long it'll take to stop feeling like this.
I'm confused over the way I feel. It's good to take time to 'grieve' but what is there to grieve? I feel like I should stop being pathetic over this because in the big picture it isn't that important. It happens at some point in life, right? And worse things can happen in life. But no matter how much I focus on my work, hanging out with friends, playing sports, being busy in general to try not to dwell on it too much, at times I still find myself feeling so sad. I miss him so much and would want to talk to him as friends again, just as before. Sometimes when we happen to see one another around the campus, it's exaclty like that. But deep down I konw it's not the same anymore. I'm distancing myself so I won't get hurt again. I feel like I've lost a friend completely and that makes me sad.
What should I do to get over this 'relationship' and move on? Thank you for reading all this, i didn't quite expect it to be this long.
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Comments
You must concentrate on yourself.
So, basically, I don't think you should make yourself much of an illusion to be with him in the future, it's probably best for you to go separate paths. It seems to be the wrong decision for your heart now, but in the long run you'll see it was the right decision for your heart and sanity.
I'm so confused -- I'm grieving for something I never had -- and it hurts.
Hey is your flatmate a guy. If thats the case why not ask him out. That person was there for you when you needed someone. Just a thought.
I think the fact that important moments were bypassed when they happened - the kiss, the confession first time round, etc...were all genuine moments and I don't think he played you but prehaps didn't know how to deal with it and whether he felt strongly enough for it so could just leave it, whereas you obviously have invested more feelings.
The best way is to grieve, but don't shut down and shut off - make sure you talk about it, spend time with friends and find ways to enjoy yourself and look after yourself. I would put some distance between you two because I think that if you maintain this drifting friendship of being nice to each other, then you're going to be affected further. His comments about dating and such maybe a gentle way of testing the water to see if you guys are on that level where it's ok to talk about it. It's ok to not be in the same place he is but I would distance yourself for now.
Take care x