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Trapped and Terrified
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I'm new here. I've never heard of this site before but in a last desperate attempt at advice I typed in "I f***ed my life up" into Google, and was directed to a post someone had written here about starting a new career path. I don't know if this site is mainly for students or what but I really didn't know where else to look, so I will tell you my problem anyway and maybe you all can help me with some advice.
I really and truly have screwed my life up. It is of course a long story but I will summarize it here. I'm an American girl with a ten-year old daughter married to an English guy. We've been married a little over two years. We met online in a chat room and were friends for quite a while, but when my last relationship ended very badly I suddenly saw this "email buddy" as something more and decided to fly to England to meet him. I stayed for 3 weeks the first time and he was not all he said he was, or more than he said I suppose, for he was an alcoholic and he had some serious moral failings (in my eyes). But after being kicked out of my former house by my ex, I was living with my parents and I had spent all my savings on my English holiday. Besides, the Englishman was smitten with me and after 2 years with someone who basically didn't care if I was there or not, it felt good to be loved again. I went home on my return ticket and came back three weeks later. I spent the rest of the summer in England and we grew closer, though I admit we did have some absolutely terrible rows. I went home that August and he followed, we got an apartment together and my daughter moved in as well, and for 18 months tried our hardest to be a proper family, despite the fact that his criminal record barred him from getting a green card and helping to financially support the family, and his constant drinking and verbal abuse towards me created an atmosphere of strife.
My family and friends hated him and did everything they could to try to separate us, even calling immigration to deport him (they didn't bother). I "stood by my man" and instead cut contact with my family. Many, many times I wanted to end it, but I was scared to. For one thing, my daughter was actually more stable and better behaved with him there as a full-time dad. And selfishly, I needed him to drive. My driving license was banned in 2004 for non-payment of fees and they have since racked the total I owe up to almost $10,000 - I have no hope of ever getting it back. Small-town America does not enjoy public transportation like in England, and I knew that without a car I would lose my job, be unable to shop for food, do laundry or take my child to school. We would essentially be destroyed.
In March of this year, after a huge fight, I decided enough was enough and that I would make it somehow without him because he was out of control. He was depressed and drinking all day long now, even driving drunk. I bought him a plane ticket back home and he left. At this point we had been sharing a duplex house that my dad owned with my brother and Dad informed me that he planned to sell the house and we would have to move. Also at this point I had a breakdown and spent a week in a mental hospital. When I came home my job told me they no longer needed me. I was broke, about to lose my home, and my husband was calling every day to beg me to come back to the UK. Is it any wonder that I did? But I regret it every day now.
My daughter is still in the US, living with her father. She is extremely unhappy but her father refuses to let her leave the country. We were hoping that once we settled here with house and job he would change his mind; I don't know if it will happen or not. I miss her every second and this has led to some deep depression for me, and huge feelings of guilt and helplessness as well.
I have just told my husband a couple of days ago that I was never in love with him, I just thought that he would be a good husband and father. He is 12 years older than me and I thought he was more mature and responsible. I was so disillusioned from my previous relationship that I blinded myself to his faults and said, Everyone has something wrong with them, so you just have to weigh up the pros and cons. But as time goes on I realize there are many deep-seated issues that cannot be overcome. I am not physically attracted to this man at all. There is no chemistry, no spark. Our marriage was a huge mistake, but he says We've come too far to let it go now. All our struggle and sacrifice will have been for nothing.
I am terrified to go home. I have nowhere to live, no way to get to any job (and there's probably no jobs to be had) and no way to support my daughter. I have cut ties with all family and friends so have no support network at all. I feel truly alone in the world and trapped into a marriage that is going nowhere. By March of 2009 my tourist visa runs out and I must decide to either get my spousal visa and stay here, or go home. What do I do?
Sorry for the length and many thanks in advance.
I really and truly have screwed my life up. It is of course a long story but I will summarize it here. I'm an American girl with a ten-year old daughter married to an English guy. We've been married a little over two years. We met online in a chat room and were friends for quite a while, but when my last relationship ended very badly I suddenly saw this "email buddy" as something more and decided to fly to England to meet him. I stayed for 3 weeks the first time and he was not all he said he was, or more than he said I suppose, for he was an alcoholic and he had some serious moral failings (in my eyes). But after being kicked out of my former house by my ex, I was living with my parents and I had spent all my savings on my English holiday. Besides, the Englishman was smitten with me and after 2 years with someone who basically didn't care if I was there or not, it felt good to be loved again. I went home on my return ticket and came back three weeks later. I spent the rest of the summer in England and we grew closer, though I admit we did have some absolutely terrible rows. I went home that August and he followed, we got an apartment together and my daughter moved in as well, and for 18 months tried our hardest to be a proper family, despite the fact that his criminal record barred him from getting a green card and helping to financially support the family, and his constant drinking and verbal abuse towards me created an atmosphere of strife.
My family and friends hated him and did everything they could to try to separate us, even calling immigration to deport him (they didn't bother). I "stood by my man" and instead cut contact with my family. Many, many times I wanted to end it, but I was scared to. For one thing, my daughter was actually more stable and better behaved with him there as a full-time dad. And selfishly, I needed him to drive. My driving license was banned in 2004 for non-payment of fees and they have since racked the total I owe up to almost $10,000 - I have no hope of ever getting it back. Small-town America does not enjoy public transportation like in England, and I knew that without a car I would lose my job, be unable to shop for food, do laundry or take my child to school. We would essentially be destroyed.
In March of this year, after a huge fight, I decided enough was enough and that I would make it somehow without him because he was out of control. He was depressed and drinking all day long now, even driving drunk. I bought him a plane ticket back home and he left. At this point we had been sharing a duplex house that my dad owned with my brother and Dad informed me that he planned to sell the house and we would have to move. Also at this point I had a breakdown and spent a week in a mental hospital. When I came home my job told me they no longer needed me. I was broke, about to lose my home, and my husband was calling every day to beg me to come back to the UK. Is it any wonder that I did? But I regret it every day now.
My daughter is still in the US, living with her father. She is extremely unhappy but her father refuses to let her leave the country. We were hoping that once we settled here with house and job he would change his mind; I don't know if it will happen or not. I miss her every second and this has led to some deep depression for me, and huge feelings of guilt and helplessness as well.
I have just told my husband a couple of days ago that I was never in love with him, I just thought that he would be a good husband and father. He is 12 years older than me and I thought he was more mature and responsible. I was so disillusioned from my previous relationship that I blinded myself to his faults and said, Everyone has something wrong with them, so you just have to weigh up the pros and cons. But as time goes on I realize there are many deep-seated issues that cannot be overcome. I am not physically attracted to this man at all. There is no chemistry, no spark. Our marriage was a huge mistake, but he says We've come too far to let it go now. All our struggle and sacrifice will have been for nothing.
I am terrified to go home. I have nowhere to live, no way to get to any job (and there's probably no jobs to be had) and no way to support my daughter. I have cut ties with all family and friends so have no support network at all. I feel truly alone in the world and trapped into a marriage that is going nowhere. By March of 2009 my tourist visa runs out and I must decide to either get my spousal visa and stay here, or go home. What do I do?
Sorry for the length and many thanks in advance.
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Comments
I hope it works out for you. I wish i had more advice
as for being out of work if you went home, get a job here in england until you have to leave (i am unsure if you have a job here already) but you could save up to help towards getting yourself back on your feet when you go home and would help you out of your depression if nothing else because you wouldn't want to go home to your daughter mid breakdown.
also, go and see someone about your depression, a doctor, someone that that can really help you.
and can your husband really stop you from bringing your daughter here? i assume the laws are different in america and i am not familiar with them, anyway you should not stay here in a loveless marriage, there's nothng keeping you here at all, forget the money and do what your heart tells you to do, cause i bet it takes you back to your daughter.
i hope you do the right thing for you and be happy.
First of all let me clarify a little. I didn't have time to explain everything in the first post as it was already very long. I don't think my husband is a pig - I am sorry if it comes across that way, I was just trying to summarize the problems. He does have some serious issues but I know he does genuninely love me and care about me. I'm not being naive about this - I am too old and have been though too much to believe any BS. His verbal abuse and the rows always happen when he's drunk so I know he doesn't mean it - unfortunately that is just too often.
I do see a psychiatrist. I have Bipolar Disorder and take Lithium daily for it. I do not have episodes while medicated, but when I am verbally abused it does send me into a depression, due to my low self-esteem. Every time it happens I vow to leave, but the next day we make up and I feel like I must have overreacted the night before. He has gotten much better since when we first met, and he would quit drinking altogether I think if I forced him to (my thought was a hunger strike - one day of me fasting for every day he drank. I think he would soon stop then). But I have gone beyond the drinking problem now. I keep finding more and more reasons to dislike him, like the way he schemes for money - jumping out of cabs without paying, trying to claim off the bus driver because he stopped too fast, refusing to acknowledge creditors and planning never to pay bills before they're even due - or the way he hates all people that aren't working class, or disrespects authority figures including police, meter readers, and even shopkeepers and bus drivers. Many times I am ashamed to be with him when he picks fights with these people. I think it is the way he was raised, or his neighborhood or friends. I don't understand it at all because he is truly a friendly, charming and witty guy when he likes you. Like I said, he is not a pig - just in need of serious help. And he doesn't believe it so will probably never seek it. Grrr.
Anyway, the point, I guess. Yes, my heart calls out for my daughter. It has been absolute hell, these months without her. But I seriously don't know how to start again. I wish my parents were some kind of option but they aren't. If they were, I'd have been gone long ago and would never have posted. I lay awake at night thinking of possible options. My parents kicked me out at 16 when I got pregnant, and until 2006 when my ex kicked me out I had been on my own. I stayed there three months and they were more than glad when I took off on some wild chase to England to meet someone I knew from the internet. They weren't bothered that he could have been a serial killer, as long as I was off of their backs. The whole time I was there they treated me like a homeless beggar, even though I worked my job and at their office, and did housework and dinner. It was humiliating, especially because my youngest brother was still at home and he insulted me every time he saw me about how much I had screwed my life up. There is no way I can go back home.
Other relatives are either too poor to afford another mouth, have no room, or live so far into the country that I would have no way to even walk to a job if I managed to get one. Most of my family is spread out all over the US. My one remaining friend lives in a trailer in the woods with her two kids and has offered me a couch but said she can't afford to feed me and I must help with the bills -again, impossible because there is no where near to work.
I cannot save up any money here because I can't work here either. I am here on a 6-month tourist visa that does not allow employment. It expires in March 09. At that point the plan was for me to go home for two weeks, apply for the spousal visa in the US, get my daughter, and come straight back here. It will cost about £600 for the plane fare and £700 or so for the visa. My daughter can stay six months as a tourist and then we can go back to the US after that for her permanent visa.
Looking at the situation it seems my only option is to stay here and work towards our visas here, and simply put up with the rest. If I had one single option of a place to stay with work nearby I would be gone. I can't find one though. I thought of moving to a big city with public transport so to solve the job problem but cannot think of how to solve the housing problem - I would need at least $1000 to get a place and I don't know where to get that kind of money. I have even thought of unsavory ideas such as moving to a big city as a roommate with someone and working as a stripper or something to earn lots of cash fast. But I don't look the part so it is a bit of a far-fetched idea. I have even thought of just going home, landing on my parents' doorstep and threatening to kill myself if they dont take me in. Manipulative, yes, but it isn't something I haven't thought many times since I got into this situation. The danger there is that they will still say no - which is a real danger if you knew my parents.
This is where my desperation has led me. I so wish there was an easy answer to this. I'm sorry also for being so long-winded here. Thanks again.
The situation your in at the moment with your husband sounds horrible and you dont' deserve to stay there - additionally if things are that bad between you and him is this really an environment you want to bring your daughter into?
I honestly dont' know about the states but in the UK there are lots of charities which would be able to help you out at this stage - so it might be worth seeing if you can find one in the US who might be able to help you.
i see your in a no win situation, i only wish i could help. if i think of anything ill let you know.
stay strong
I honestly dont' know about the states but in the UK there are lots of charities which would be able to help you out at this stage - so it might be worth seeing if you can find one in the US who might be able to help you.[/QUOTE]
i totally agree, although i did think there might be a problem getting charities to help when you only have a temp visa. worth a try though
It is a bit more complicated than that. I knew after I posted that last reply that it would seem ambiguous. My daughter's father has refused to let her leave, but she is doing so badly there (failing grades in school when she used to be a top student, etc) and is so unhappy that I am hoping that if I went back in March for my visa I could talk him into letting her come back with me. I honestly believe that if he said no, I would not be able to get back on that plane regardless of my housing situation.
RE: Money. Those large figures look like we have it all in hand when in truth, they are just figures that we are nowhere near raising. My husband started working in late September and so far we have saved £0 towards the flights and visa. This is another constant bone of contention between us. As March draws nearer, he starts saying things like, Well, if we don't have the visa money by then, you can go home and just wait for me to send it to you. - Wait? Wait where? lol I know we can save up the plane fare for me to return - it should be about £300 - because we don't technically have to save it. He is expecting a check from Working Tax Credits for the past few months and we plan to use that. I am almost sure that will be all we will have come March. So I guess I am fooling myself about even being able to stay here at all. I guess that makes the decision easier.
If we had that much money he would never just hand it over if I didn't plan to come back here.
Charities - I know there are some, but things like hostels are mainly in big cities and I seriously come from the middle of nowhere. I don't know. Would it be possible to just show up on the doorstep of a homeless shelter in Chicago (200 miles from where my daughter currently lives) and tell them I need to live there? Perhaps that is the only way.
Oh - and you're right - I don't want to bring her into this environment. I just thought it was better than the alternative. It's just as bad, or worse at her father's house. I wish I had stayed single! We were so much better off when it was just me and her.
What a sweetie
I am Googling US charities and although a great many are for domestic violence victims, I think I may find a possible solution here. Even if I do have to move to a city, I can get my life in order and then get my baby back. And never ever ever leave her again! I know I was being selfish when I chased this man across the world and I wasn't thinking of her at all, only myself and my broken heart. They say, You reap what you sow, but they don't tell you the seed packets are usually mislabeled!
The UN Convention on Human Rights should guarentee your right to shelter but its not very well enforced in practice
Please forgive me for laughing. I know it may seem like the right thing to do but I'm pretty sure the UK gov't has absolutely no obligation to shelter me or even ensure my safe passage. I am not a refugee or asylum seeker, I am from a first world country and I'm sure they assume my own gov't will take care of me.
I have called a local shelter house in my hometown. Well, "the" local shelter that is. They said I must first call ahead to make sure there is an opening, and it changes daily so I must call no sooner than the day before. I can stay 30 days and then if I have found no other accomodation I am booted out into the freezing Michigan winter because there is nothing else they can do. They said I must secure employment and take a form to the local social services to ask for rent assistance. I must look for some form of housing, either an apartment or shared house, etc, and I must be able to afford it on my income and the social services will help me for one month. I assume this means they pay the deposit but I don't know for sure. I will have to call Social Services for more info. I asked what I should do if the apartment asks for a credit check (they all do) because I have bad credit and she said she couldn't help me with that. I guess I will look at jobs in my town and apts and try and calculate if I can afford an apt on minimum wage because that's all anyone's paying back home.
The one thing that I'm gutted about is that I will not get to have my daughter for quite a while yet. I know for a fact I won't be able to afford a 2 bed apt right away, esp with the credit check, and I will most likely be living in a houseshare situation. I can't imagine how long I will have to stay in that situation before I can afford to get a place of my own or how to get past the credit check - I don't know anyone who can co-sign for me. Oh I do have a habit of looking too far ahead. I will think about that when it comes. I can't believe I have just found a solution to my problem. I only hope the shelter isn't full of drunks and druggies. Too bad there isn't a woman's only one!
Many, many thanks to everyone for all your help.
I think you should begin to redevelop ties with your family members and old friends. If you can admit your mistakes like you have here they really should be compassionate towards you. Begin to look for US jobs now, then you might be able to have one arranged for when you return and you won't have to go in the type of shelter you're afraid of.
As for other websites you could get help and advice, there is a relationships forum called enotalone - have read some similar stories on there so i'm sure there are people who can give great advice and say what they did in the same predicament.