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How to control a 4 year old?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My partners daughter is getting so selfish, no matter what we do she will do nothing for you unless she gets what she wants. Her dad will buy her anything she wants regardless of price and trying to discipline her is a joke as she will just cry to get sympathy or she will laugh and think it's all a game, though she knows what you are trying to do and it's got to the point that saying no means nothing to her because she is never told no by her dad, my partner has spoken to him but he doesn't seem to take any notice, the only thing that kind of works is ignoring her if you can put up with hours of her saying "why". Even explaining why doesn't go through, she just doesn't understand why we won't give her everything she asks for.
I have tried to explain many times about sharing and give and take and even though she understands it she dosen't understand.
We have tried introducing the naughty step when she plays up but she just laughs, reward charts are a joke because she doesn't care about them, any ideas?
I have tried to explain many times about sharing and give and take and even though she understands it she dosen't understand.
We have tried introducing the naughty step when she plays up but she just laughs, reward charts are a joke because she doesn't care about them, any ideas?
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Does she have a favourite toy that you can take away when shes being naughty?
Is the naughty step away from any interaction?
What about pocket money? Does she get any? We use a reward chart but the reward is money and if he isn't good he gets alot less than he would have if he is good. Money is something that will work for him as hes always after something and knows if he saves up he will be able to buy it himself. He doesn't get alot but he doesnt really understand how much things are yet, so it works.
Consistency is the key. Be inconsistent and youve had it tbh. Let her walk all over you now and youll regret it even more in a few years. Its easy to blame the other parent and it definitely has an impact. My son used to be an absolute pain when he got back from his dads because it was obvious hed been allowed to do what he wanted the whole time.
I had a talk with him in which i explained that letting L get his own way all the time was in NOBODYS interest, least of all L. Hes a lot better now.
Have you tried positive reinforcement - ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the good, or perhaps a reward chart?
Youve had a baby recently too havent you? This is bound to make her play up a bit as shes trying to assert her position in the family. She may feel her nose has been put out of joint a bit too. She may really really need some extra love and attention at the moment, and you may need to keep in check any resentment of her now you have your own baby - its soooooooo easy to do. She may feel the baby is favoured and be playing up accordingly
As i said, its very easy to feel like youre fighting a losing battle if youre being undermined by the absent parent, but its not an insurmountable problem.
Im often argued with "but my dad lets me have that" or "im allowed to do that at my dads" and its generally answered with "well youre not AT your dads" or "I dont care what your dad does" They soon get the message.
It's hard not to do the easy thing and give her everything but that just has to be it. If she associates so well with material things, then I agree with Tweety. You have to withdraw certain treats, certain toys etc when she's misbehaving. Threaten it at least until she starts behaving better.
At least for the next few weeks you can use the coal from Santa card on her. I work at an afterschool club for children aged 5-11 and they act like angels (albeit for ten minutes) as soon as you mention the robins spying for Santa! Haha!
This weekend was highly challenging for us, the missus had never really seen what I had seen from the start and that was a highly selfish, bossy, misbehaved child (I know that sounds horrible!) but it was a real weight off my shoulders because I always knew that her mum never really saw what I saw and never really disciplined her, but now I am very glad that we can both work together. The missus is going to talk to her daughters dad about rules we can both adopt and I hope he just goes for it.
Also we have tried the reward charts and they just don't work, there is absolutely no way to bargain with her because if she wants something she has to have it, if she doesn't get it she will scream and cry until she cannot cry any more and wears herself out and that can be hours, then she turns on the old "I love you mum, I will be a good girl from now on" hugs and kisses routine. The same thing goes for the naughty step.
I think she may feel a little pushed out in regards to the baby but when asked if she feels like mummy gives more attention to baby she says no. She really mothers the baby and loves helping out, we both try to spread the attention but it doesn't make much different even when we go to the park, for walks, baking cakes, drawings etc.
It's always been like she has to be the centre of attention, even when playing with other kids nobody can come first apart from her, she has to be the one that is always showered with praises but ends up just being silly within the group and she is a real brute sometimes, she can never play quietly either and always has to have better things than everyone else. Also she will never stop moaning either, there is always something that she has to go on about and if she cannot think of anything to moan about she will end up doing something that will get her told off.
I don't know if it's just because it's because she has been given whatever she wants or it's something else.
I think it's good that you've taken steps to stop it getting any worse, and that her mum has realised what she's like too. Maybe together you can work on the dad if he doesn't immediately listen to you. She probably won't act up with him because he does give her everything she wants, so he won't see what a nightmare she's being with you.
Good luck