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Trying again
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my partner for 18 months and although I still love her dearly last night she said that she doesn't want us to stay together.
I managed to persuade her that she should give me another chance, but although she agreed, she said "I don't see what difference it will make".
How would we go about starting again? I know that some of the issues are:
Any suggestions welcome; I really think it's far from over but we've been having problems since we moved in together in July. I just think that she's too ready to bail because the honeymoon is over.
I managed to persuade her that she should give me another chance, but although she agreed, she said "I don't see what difference it will make".
How would we go about starting again? I know that some of the issues are:
- I work very long hours, often 12-hour days
- She feels like she does all the housework (mostly as a consequence of the above)
- She doesn't really compliment me any more and avoids sex.
Any suggestions welcome; I really think it's far from over but we've been having problems since we moved in together in July. I just think that she's too ready to bail because the honeymoon is over.
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Comments
I think you may well be right here.
Stage 1 : Person falls madly in love
Stage 2 : Disillusionment
Stage 3 : Either commitment or flight
Too many people allow their disillusionment to cloud their judgement of their relationship. Most long term relationships last because the couples involved realise that they have a true friendship at the heart of their relationship, but that does require people to stand back and look at their relationship with some level of maturity. How old is she, by the way?
Anyway, at the end of the day we're still together and I feel a lot happier. Our sex life is much better and although I am still a little envious of my single mates and their freedom, I'm enjoying living with my boyfriend much more and feel very lucky to be with him. What changed? Our communication patterns. I forced myself to raise my issues with him and talk through them and since then things have naturally improved. I think you need to speak to your partner and try to get her to tell you more about how she's feeling - it sounds like your relationship is worth trying to save, like mine is, and I think you just need to be honest with each other no matter how hard it is to hear how she really feels. Try re-introducing stuff that you might not have done for a while, like proper date nights, spontaneous gifts, weekends away or whatever. It might be worth looking at the time you do spend together - is it "quality" time or are you just in the same place at the same time because you both live there? I found I had fallen into a rut of spending far too much time following my boyfriend and his band around - fun at first but it made me feel like a spare part eventually, so I've stopped that and revived my own social life and that's made a huge difference too. I really hope you manage to work it out - no relationship is perfect and ours still isn't but I am glad I made the effort to work through the problems rather than running away from them. Good luck
I agree that you need to sit down and work out what the problems are and then see how you can address each of them.
I have a theory that pretty much anyone can go out with anyone else what makes relationships work isnt' this amasing chemistry or clicking (after the first few months) instead its a will on both sides to make it work and be willing to put in the effort.
Why does she say "she doesnt see what difference it will make"
Can you cut down your hours at work?
She's 21, I'm 22, but she's still an undergraduate and she's completely financially independent because of her family situ, whereas I'm working and struggling for money.
And now she's acting like nothing's happened, it's really frustrating.
Sorry to hear what you're going through it sounds like it must be really upsetting
Having someone tell you they don't love you is going to be tough and isn't what you want to hear, perhaps she just needs some space to clear her head? Saying something like this, although dramatic, has led to you moving out until the weekend. If you can give her the space she needs you may find things get better. However, if she really does feel differently towards you then a bit of time apart will make things easier to talk through when you go back.
Although there can sometimes be a stigma attached to 'having a break' from a relationship, in fact a lot of people do and come out all the better for it
From what you've said she doesn't seem all that keen to communicate with you on this. If she is feeling overwhelmed or in need of some time to herself then it makes sense. If that's the case then try not to take it personally, perhaps take a step back, get your own head clear about the situation and try not to ask her what's going on, just give her the time.
Really hope things work out for the two of you. If you have something worth working for then you both need to be in the same place and a bit of time apart will only help to clear the air
I don't know what I'll do if she says it's over. :crying:
I hope its just a temporary blip and the distance either makes her realise what shes missing, or at least helps get your head clearer
Having read that you have been having arguments about the housework and your late hours though I really hope that by agreeing to make some changes and talking about it you can work through it together. I raised my issues and they were ignored and met with hostility which is why in the end the love faded and I gave up working on the relationship because I was putting the effort in and he wasn't. It sounds like you are willing to do something about it and communicate which I really do hope works out for you.
I think the point wyetry raised about the cleaner is a really good one, I know that it sounds excessive to most people and I certainly couldn't afford one but if you are working really long hours and can afford it then maybe it would give you that time together you both really need.
The other really good points raised are having "date nights" spending special alone time together and getting dressed up and making the effort for each other, scheduling time into your days to be together, maybe set aside a few hours for a scented bath and massage after work one night or cooking a special meal and eating it with your phones turned off and the lights dimmed and some background music, you might find that you start to talk when there are no distractions.
You mentioned that she rarely compliments you anymore but if you don't mind me asking do you think you have stopped making an effort for her?
I really do hope that she sees what you have together and feels that you can make it work with a bit of effort from you both xx xx xx
I think I still make an effort for her but maybe you're right, it's too easy to take her presence for granted and I do look a bit of a mess slobbing around the house sometimes.