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Depressed because of my Dad and his debts. Need a rant and some ears, that's all.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey
I know I'm not a regular poster, but I come on here when I feel I need to let some angst out, so here it goes I guess... (sorry if it gets lengthy, I just need a rant or I won't get any sleep tonight o_O)
There is nothing anybody can do really. My dad has been this way since my Mum met him when he was in his 20s, and thought he would change. He was in debt when she met him, living a student lifestyle, no savings, spend as you wish... they got married... and about 10 years ago she discovered he had huge debts which he didn't tell her about. When that came up, she told him she hoped the mortgage was ok, he said it was. It wasn't. House nearly got repossessed, yada yada. They split up 5 years ago, she had had an affair - obviously not the nicest thing to do, and I felt really sorry for my Dad. But now I am the oldest sibling of 2 in the house, seem to have taken on the mother role and am understanding why they had problems.
I'm just finding it really difficult. I love my dad, he's an awesome guy, all my friends think he's great, his friends think he's great. But he still spends money like a student. I was at uni last year, and one time he told me how he was down to the last 50p in his bank account one month- this regularly happens. My younger sister (18) has just started uni and is living with him, I moved back in after graduating... and I have just begun to realise how much he lies about everything. It's become a habit to him, he does it simply to avoid confrontation. He hardly ever goes food shopping, my dog was looking really ill but he kept insisting she was just old (she's only 10), so my Mum ended up taking her to the vet and paying for it, we're trying to sell our house so he can downsize to a smaller one, but all he does is paint everything in it white and doesn't actually fix the little things that need doing in order to sell it: i.e. our shower has been broken for over a year now, holes in the floor, problem with the water tank, half painted floor... the list goes on.
In fact, I could write a list 1000 points long of things that annoy/upset/anger me about him at the moment. I have cried myself to sleep worrying about it, I have lost sleep thinking about all the things I could say, and I want to move out just to stop myself from worrying but can't until I am financially independent (which should hopefully be soon). The thing is there is no point talking to him about it, it just goes over his head and he doesn't listen (after 50 years, I doubt he will be able to change his habits). My Mum has funded my entire university degree and is about to do the same for my sister, and what's more Dad expects her to.
Currently he is busy spending every night at the weekend with his new girlfriend. With the money I know he doesn't have. But let's face it, what 50-something year old man would want to say to his girlfriend 'Uh, sorry, I can't afford a curry tonight.' It would be really embarassing. It IS embarassing. It's downright stupid.
I am just sick and tired of being the mother of this household. This is a constant source of upset for me and I am so so tired and I wish I could move out. I also wish he would grow up. There is such a thing called 'overtime' at his work, which would help him get more money: when I suggested it, he said 'But I don't like it.' End of conversation.
Thank you for listening.
I know I'm not a regular poster, but I come on here when I feel I need to let some angst out, so here it goes I guess... (sorry if it gets lengthy, I just need a rant or I won't get any sleep tonight o_O)
There is nothing anybody can do really. My dad has been this way since my Mum met him when he was in his 20s, and thought he would change. He was in debt when she met him, living a student lifestyle, no savings, spend as you wish... they got married... and about 10 years ago she discovered he had huge debts which he didn't tell her about. When that came up, she told him she hoped the mortgage was ok, he said it was. It wasn't. House nearly got repossessed, yada yada. They split up 5 years ago, she had had an affair - obviously not the nicest thing to do, and I felt really sorry for my Dad. But now I am the oldest sibling of 2 in the house, seem to have taken on the mother role and am understanding why they had problems.
I'm just finding it really difficult. I love my dad, he's an awesome guy, all my friends think he's great, his friends think he's great. But he still spends money like a student. I was at uni last year, and one time he told me how he was down to the last 50p in his bank account one month- this regularly happens. My younger sister (18) has just started uni and is living with him, I moved back in after graduating... and I have just begun to realise how much he lies about everything. It's become a habit to him, he does it simply to avoid confrontation. He hardly ever goes food shopping, my dog was looking really ill but he kept insisting she was just old (she's only 10), so my Mum ended up taking her to the vet and paying for it, we're trying to sell our house so he can downsize to a smaller one, but all he does is paint everything in it white and doesn't actually fix the little things that need doing in order to sell it: i.e. our shower has been broken for over a year now, holes in the floor, problem with the water tank, half painted floor... the list goes on.
In fact, I could write a list 1000 points long of things that annoy/upset/anger me about him at the moment. I have cried myself to sleep worrying about it, I have lost sleep thinking about all the things I could say, and I want to move out just to stop myself from worrying but can't until I am financially independent (which should hopefully be soon). The thing is there is no point talking to him about it, it just goes over his head and he doesn't listen (after 50 years, I doubt he will be able to change his habits). My Mum has funded my entire university degree and is about to do the same for my sister, and what's more Dad expects her to.
Currently he is busy spending every night at the weekend with his new girlfriend. With the money I know he doesn't have. But let's face it, what 50-something year old man would want to say to his girlfriend 'Uh, sorry, I can't afford a curry tonight.' It would be really embarassing. It IS embarassing. It's downright stupid.
I am just sick and tired of being the mother of this household. This is a constant source of upset for me and I am so so tired and I wish I could move out. I also wish he would grow up. There is such a thing called 'overtime' at his work, which would help him get more money: when I suggested it, he said 'But I don't like it.' End of conversation.
Thank you for listening.
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Comments
Hey! You're a **Space Pirate** for goodness sake! When do you exect to find the time to visit Earth and post on TheSite.org?
Ok, it sounds to me like your Dad suffers from some sort of 'little boy syndrome'. He hasn't grown up, faced facts and taken responsibility for his life and actions. Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel?
Yep, that's exactly it. I have, at various times, spoken to him about issues. I.e. overtime.
Me: 'Why don't you do some overtime to help with house moving costs?'
Him: 'I f&*&^ing hate overtime.'
Me: 'Well, sometimes as adults you need to do things you don't like in order to get by, if you need the money, you need to do it.'
Him: (in extremely patronising voice) 'Oooh, when did you get all grown up?!'
Me: 'At least one of us has.'
And so on. Hence why I think a letter is the most viable option. He can read it, see how I feel, and won't have a chance to start an argument or make some jokey statement to ignore what I'm saying!
That's a good idea. However, write it .. then leave it for a few days and reread it .. and if necessary, rewrite or add parts. I have found that when I have have handed over a letter, I suddenly remember something profound that I wanted to put down.
Is it an option to threaten that you may find somewhere else to live in case he doesn't change his ways? At the end of the day, he's the parent - not you.
I do hope all goes well ...
She's much better now she's got a job and some independence though, I think she had 'little girl syndrome' and just wanted someone to look after her so she could just curl up and watch TV all the time. I think it was quite linked with her mental health as well which makes things more complicated.
I think building self esteem is a good way to make someone more independent and pro active and generally responsible though. Like if you tell a kid people look up to them they'll feel chuffed and will behave really well