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should i write to my exgirlfriend ?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hello, i will try to keep this short. I am 35 and my ex is 29. She split up with me two months ago after just over 2yrs together. Basically she became unhappy, was not working for her etc. And yes unfortunately the problems developed due to my actions, or should i say lack of dealing with the problem, now too late. We did leave on friendly terms (as they can be), even though it was a big shock for me and i miss her dearly.

She has contacted me a few times (txt/phone) just for a general hello how are you etc, so from this she does still care about me but only as friends.

Time has moved on and i have had time to look at our relationship and i feel i want to write to her, not asking her back, but to say i now see she did the right thing, unfortunately i left things to late, didnt realise the effect it was having on us and i take some responsibility for this and acknowledge it. I feel there unfinished things i want to say just to tie up loose ends as it was

I dont want to push her away further tho, so i guess as i dont give the impression i want her back, then i cant see a problem.

Do you think this would be a good idea?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like she already knows where YOU went wrong. This letter seems as if it is all about you, your own soul-searching, and found areas in your life where you need to work on and improve, ready for when you enter your next relationship. I would advise against writing to her unless she specifically brings up the subject herself. She may misconstrue your letter as a masked plea to come back to you, which could push her further away.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes she does. That was my concern that it would push her away, (bringing up the past), its that push pull thing. As she has been contacting me from time to time ( i so far have restrained myself from ringing / texting her) its been her coming to me ,this shows she does care and to be honest probably moved on. So it should be only be her that brings up any relationship things, i need to show her that i am moving on and if /when we do see each other she will see a happy better person.

    As she is starting a new career in the next couple of weeks, i may just wish her well with that, maybe a card.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you want her back? If so, then I would write but not explicitly putting this forward.

    If not then I think you're best leaving it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Unless you did something really nasty stuff to her, such as cheating or acted as an asshole to her on purpose and want to say you're sorry for that, I'd advise you to let it go.

    If you mean there were no such issues in your relationships, then it's not right for you to send a letter "apologising" for what just you did wrong, as there are two persons in a relationship, and rarely the case that's it just one of them to blame for the outcome. Also, you wrote that you want to show here that you're moving on, but a letter now after two months since the split up will just serve as evidence of the opposite. The best thing you can do is to do your best to get on with your life, get involved with some activities you like and start dating when you're ready for that. Those kind of things are stuff that shows ex-partners that you're really moving on, but it shouldn't be that important to make a point out of that anyway if you ask me.

    Also speaking a bit from my own experience, I've also tried to write letters, e-mails and things like that in the past, but that courtesy has never been returned from my ex partners, so I can't say I see the point of trying to "clean up the air" after a relationship, it's over anyway.

    Just my thoughts, good luck and try to make the best out of your "recovery" period even if it really sucks at times :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd write the letter out and put all the things you wish you'd said at the time etc and all thoughts and feelins you feel right now. Put everything down on the letter then read it over few times then leave it 3 days and read it again after that!

    If you are happy with the letter after giving yourself some time to think over the feelings that the letter will stir within yourself then you can send it.

    Every action will have a reaction - you may not feel the ripple but it'll cause waves for your ex in her own little world. Bare that in mind before you come to your conclusion :)
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Harmless wrote: »
    I'd write the letter out and put all the things you wish you'd said at the time etc and all thoughts and feelins you feel right now. Put everything down on the letter then read it over few times then leave it 3 days and read it again after that!

    :yes: it's good to get all of these things down. I also think Teagan's on the button on this and you have pretty good insights yourself.

    Write the letter by all means, and then read back over it in a year or twos time and you'll probably feel glad to have captured how you feel right now, but equally glad you didn't send it (unless you do choose to send it, which is ultimately your choice.) The card wishing well idea is a nice one. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think there's much point in writing a letter to her, but writing one to yourself in a cathartic diary kind of way couldn't hurt. A congratualtions card for new career is a nice idea though.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys for your input. I have been drafting a letter several times and the more i think about it, i dont think it will be a good idea to send it as it may well have the reserve effect on her and push her away. If i am honest yes i would like to work things out of course, but i know its too late , she is moving on etc anyway thats her decision to make.

    I will settle for a good luck card instead and i guess in the card its best not even say, something "you know where i am if you wish to say hello etc" as the fact i have sent a card will be enough.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest i would say maybe write the letter but dont send it, i have done that a couple of times, just to get it off your chest. I have an ex that wants to get back but hasnt said so in so many words and if he wrote me a letter, if i am honest i would prob tell him that its best for us not to speak to each other anymore just because i would feel bad that he still felt like that. Like you said she is moving on and sorry to be harsh but if you messed up just let her get on with her life....

    Good luck x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    NO, don't.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    NO, don't.

    Old thread that's been dragged up, so I reckon the OP has probably resolved this now :)
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