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How can I save my relationship?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK, I will apologise now as this is likely to be fairly long...
I've been with my boyfriend for about four and a half years, on and off. We've broken up twice (him dumping me), the last time was after one and half years together. We were apart for about 7/8 months then got back together last January after he begged for me back. In that time I was gutted at first, but then rebuilt my life and got over him and had a blast being single and living my life as I wanted to. I was happy to get back together though as it seemed his priorities had changed and I was finally top of them rather than about halfway down the list - I felt like a new person too and it was like starting a new relationship.
Since then it's mostly been fine. We've been away travelling together, which was amazing, although we had some problems while we were away - I put these down to being in each others' pockets 24/7 and the fact I basically felt like a minger for a lot of the time due to long weeks camping so wasn't always up for intimacy, if you get my drift.
When we got back from travelling we started talking about living together. I was reluctant at first, because he's never really lived away from home (he's 3 years younger than me) whereas I've lived in shared accommodation since going to uni 9 years ago. I didn't want to be a replacement for his mum (who has always done all of his chores) and wasn't sure if I could handle it as neither of us had ever lived with a partner before. But as we'd done OK being together while travelling and I was sick of the house I was currently living in, I eventually agreed to it and we moved in together a month and a half ago.
Since then however I've started to feel a bit strange. The living together is going OK I think, we've had a couple of minor problems over domestic stuff but no rows or anything - but something's wrong in my head and I desperately want to put it right. I've noticed a massive decrease in my libido (which to be fair was never high anyway) - my self esteem has nose-dived lately too, I feel fat, flat-chested, ugly and horrible, I can't bear for him to see/touch me naked. I still love to be hugged and cuddled, but could happily go without sex - although the weird (and worrying) thing is I've developed a couple of crushes on other guys lately and could quite easily imagine having sex with them. There's other stuff too - my boyfriend doesn't drive, so I am ALWAYS driving him around. That's not usually a problem but lately has been doing my head in as I feel taken for granted. This is also reflected in some stuff to do with the house...with various chores I've noticed they don't get done unless I do them, and I've been responsible for buying most of the food. The house is bugging me too, it's a small-ish flat and we're not properly sorted there yet, I feel claustrophobic because so much of our stuff is still not unpacked, yet I don't have the time or energy to sort it out. I feel panicked by the thought that we're living together, because it seems "final" in a sense - it doesn't feel exciting to me, just frightening because I know that if I ever want to get out of it it's going to cause pain and stress and hurt.
Right, looking at all that I suppose it may seem that I want to break up with my boyfriend but I really don't. He is sweet, generous, kind and the thought of hurting him is something I can't bear. I do still think of him as attractive too, it's not that I've stopped fancying him (although I admit lately I've fancied other guys, possibly more). I just want to work this all out in my head and fall back in love with him, the way I was when we first got together. I do love him still, he makes me laugh, cares for me, we have fun together still...I just feel like I'm in a "grass is greener" situation and want to sort my head out. What can I do? We've talked about it a little - about the sex part, and the him taking me for granted, but I don't feel I can say all of it to him because it could cause irreparable damage which I really don't want.
I'm considering going to see my doctor because I feel all this stuff is linked in with panic attacks I've been having and I'm also wondering if my pill is having an effect on my sex drive. I don't know though, I can't think clearly so doubt I'll be able to talk to a doctor about it properly.
I've been with my boyfriend for about four and a half years, on and off. We've broken up twice (him dumping me), the last time was after one and half years together. We were apart for about 7/8 months then got back together last January after he begged for me back. In that time I was gutted at first, but then rebuilt my life and got over him and had a blast being single and living my life as I wanted to. I was happy to get back together though as it seemed his priorities had changed and I was finally top of them rather than about halfway down the list - I felt like a new person too and it was like starting a new relationship.
Since then it's mostly been fine. We've been away travelling together, which was amazing, although we had some problems while we were away - I put these down to being in each others' pockets 24/7 and the fact I basically felt like a minger for a lot of the time due to long weeks camping so wasn't always up for intimacy, if you get my drift.
When we got back from travelling we started talking about living together. I was reluctant at first, because he's never really lived away from home (he's 3 years younger than me) whereas I've lived in shared accommodation since going to uni 9 years ago. I didn't want to be a replacement for his mum (who has always done all of his chores) and wasn't sure if I could handle it as neither of us had ever lived with a partner before. But as we'd done OK being together while travelling and I was sick of the house I was currently living in, I eventually agreed to it and we moved in together a month and a half ago.
Since then however I've started to feel a bit strange. The living together is going OK I think, we've had a couple of minor problems over domestic stuff but no rows or anything - but something's wrong in my head and I desperately want to put it right. I've noticed a massive decrease in my libido (which to be fair was never high anyway) - my self esteem has nose-dived lately too, I feel fat, flat-chested, ugly and horrible, I can't bear for him to see/touch me naked. I still love to be hugged and cuddled, but could happily go without sex - although the weird (and worrying) thing is I've developed a couple of crushes on other guys lately and could quite easily imagine having sex with them. There's other stuff too - my boyfriend doesn't drive, so I am ALWAYS driving him around. That's not usually a problem but lately has been doing my head in as I feel taken for granted. This is also reflected in some stuff to do with the house...with various chores I've noticed they don't get done unless I do them, and I've been responsible for buying most of the food. The house is bugging me too, it's a small-ish flat and we're not properly sorted there yet, I feel claustrophobic because so much of our stuff is still not unpacked, yet I don't have the time or energy to sort it out. I feel panicked by the thought that we're living together, because it seems "final" in a sense - it doesn't feel exciting to me, just frightening because I know that if I ever want to get out of it it's going to cause pain and stress and hurt.
Right, looking at all that I suppose it may seem that I want to break up with my boyfriend but I really don't. He is sweet, generous, kind and the thought of hurting him is something I can't bear. I do still think of him as attractive too, it's not that I've stopped fancying him (although I admit lately I've fancied other guys, possibly more). I just want to work this all out in my head and fall back in love with him, the way I was when we first got together. I do love him still, he makes me laugh, cares for me, we have fun together still...I just feel like I'm in a "grass is greener" situation and want to sort my head out. What can I do? We've talked about it a little - about the sex part, and the him taking me for granted, but I don't feel I can say all of it to him because it could cause irreparable damage which I really don't want.
I'm considering going to see my doctor because I feel all this stuff is linked in with panic attacks I've been having and I'm also wondering if my pill is having an effect on my sex drive. I don't know though, I can't think clearly so doubt I'll be able to talk to a doctor about it properly.
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Comments
I can't really give much other advice sorry
First of all can I just point out that its not a 'man thing' its a 'what some women allow men to get away with thing'.
Anyway, back to the more important issue. If you are having regular panic attacks then that is definitely something to discuss with your GP.
As for your issues with sex, you need to discuss this with your partner, perhaps you could suggest a period of no sex - that then takes the pressure of you and actually may well make you want it more.
:yes:
Especially about the 'man thing'.
So it is a man thing then - the men want to get away with it and do as little as possible, rather than just getting on with it like the woman does
I'm not saying all men are like this, but all my friends who have lived with their partners have said exactly the same
It wasn't a derogatory comment, just an observation of how men and women often have different habits and ways of living - well the couples I know anyway
No, its the nature of a lot of people - they are lazy and would rather others picked up after them. If you have an arrangement with your partner where he does something else instead of all the house work thats up to you, but its not because he's a man.
Hmmm ok, that's why all my mates find exactly the same with their other halves? I don't know any women who would rather live off takeaways than go to tesco and do the shopping, who wouldn't change their bedsheets for months, who'd leave moudly cups in the sink until they're drinking out of bowls, but pretty much all the men I know are like that and ALL of my female friends with boyfriend say that they have different expectations in regards to housework.
Fair enough, I know not all men are like that, but it seems to be a trait more common to men than women, from what I've personally seen anyway. I especially notice a huge difference going to a shared girls house and then to a shared boys house
I also wouldn't say my boyfriend is lazy and expects me to pick up after him. He does other things, spending time on things that I would normally whizz through and not bother. He'd never expect me to pick up his mess (he's just happy to leave it there, which is where we differ and have to compromise lol)
Seriously, there's no need to get so uptight, it was just a passing statement on what I've noticed. Sorry if I've dissed the boys :rolleyes:
I get away with all this because I'm good with money and have sorted out some very serious financial issues he had and I'm also in charge of redecorating the house and have paid for it all and chosen the decor and furniture - he likes it all too, honest! Plus there's the expectation that I'm going to become a domestic goddess when I stop working next year.
I know what you mean about the self-esteem nose dive - I found this happened when I moved in. I think it was because I didn't have that "getting ready to see him for a date" thing anymore and shower is just now functional instead of an occasion to pamper myself and get dolled up to see him. Maybe you could have a date night one night a week and get dressed up etc. It would also get you out of the flat too
On the subject of the flat, maybe short blasts of sorting one or two boxes at a time might help you work through them without it seeming like a mammoth task
As for all the other stuff, I'm feeling a bit better about it today. I had a night out last night with my friends and old housemates (my boyfriend went round to see some friends of his so we did separate things) and I had so much fun, it was nice to be out of the flat and seeing "my" people. Even though they're all friends with him as well, it was just nice to have a break from each other. I think the idea of a date night is a good one - I'm also going to make more of an effort to go out and do stuff by myself more, I want to start swimming and possibly running/cycling, plus my friend and I are working on a business idea which'll hopefully keep me out of the flat a fair amount.
As for the self-esteem, I'm going to get my hair cut and dyed - not much, but I know it'll make me feel happier. The body-consciousness is something I've lived with most of my life, just seems a bit more acute at the moment, but I'm going to speak to my doctor about it and try to deal with it. I know my b/f finds me attractive and that's the main thing.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for all your replies
Fair enough, I didnt want to make a big deal about it. I do think not caring about household things is probably more common among men, I suppose my point was I didnt want to be lumped in with them.
And it does annoy me when people bitch about their partners not doing this or that, either change the partner, accept it or break up.
As for the original question, it sounds like you have a good strategy. If you do live together for a while it can get into a routine and having seperate outside interests are a good idea.
That's pretty disgusting. I don't know many or even any of my male friends that are like that. Perhaps it's bacause we're a little older now...
he also refuse to got to the supermarket as apparently it gives him groin pain and agrraphobia (for that read its boring) and only ever does the washing up on a friday morning just before the cleaner comes....
Our agreement is that i will do all the shopping and cooking and he will do all the washing up - we used to share the cleaning but both were quite crap about that so ended up getting a cleaner instead (which is money well spent in my opinion). However apparently i'm the messy one....
(he never washes or puts away any of his clothes either.....)
I prefer to go to the supermarket on my own as it tends to work out a bit cheaper, and I tend to be sooo much faster than when I have my lass with me. She just dawdles and insists on going up and down EVERY isle... Just in case. :yeees: Just shove my hat on, my iPod in and I just dance around the place and am done in half the time
We're both quite tidy, although I will usually drag out the bed sheet usage to a couple of weeks if I've had a hard time at work and she hasn't had chance to change them herself due to work, as we both shower right before bed so the, erm, damage is minimized
It was meant as a lighthearted comment, I know that all men aren't like that
I didn't bitch about my partner though, I said that my boyfriend is a bit like that and we compromise. I'm not going to dump him because he doesn't put the washing in! He does everything he's asked, he just doesn't think of doing it himself!
I think thats just a trait you get in some people, I know both men and women who will look at a dying plant or dirty mug day after day and yet not see it until its pointed out.