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Am I being selfish asking Mum not to drink?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
Hello. I'm 29 years old and live with my mother (age 60) and grandmother (age 83). My dad died 16 years ago and my mum has been alone ever since.
My problem is I think my mum is an alcoholic. She drinks daily, hides it, no one knows except me. I have a 31 year old brother who just doesn't care or understand how bad it is even when I have tried talking to him. My nan doesn't know as her son was an alcoholic and if she knew my mum was it would kill her.
I can no longer tell when my mum is soba or drunk sometimes. She does no harm, is not violent and I have talked to her about it. She says the only reason I want her to give up drink is because I'm selfish. She asked me why should she give up? Just because of me?
I just feel at the end of my tether. should I ask her to give up her one vice? I just hate seeing her waste her life by drinking. She just does it she says because she's bored.
I have tried to get her out of the house, take up a hobby, but she just won't.
Any advice?
Thanks.:banghead:
My problem is I think my mum is an alcoholic. She drinks daily, hides it, no one knows except me. I have a 31 year old brother who just doesn't care or understand how bad it is even when I have tried talking to him. My nan doesn't know as her son was an alcoholic and if she knew my mum was it would kill her.
I can no longer tell when my mum is soba or drunk sometimes. She does no harm, is not violent and I have talked to her about it. She says the only reason I want her to give up drink is because I'm selfish. She asked me why should she give up? Just because of me?
I just feel at the end of my tether. should I ask her to give up her one vice? I just hate seeing her waste her life by drinking. She just does it she says because she's bored.
I have tried to get her out of the house, take up a hobby, but she just won't.
Any advice?
Thanks.:banghead:
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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Comments
Unable to say much else, but you're certainly not selfish.
Before making big moves on your mum to confront her about her drinking I'd talk to a few of the charities around who deal with problem drinkers, they will give you advice about how to best approach her.
In the broader sense, no you arent selfish in wanting her to give up, alcohol is a deeply harmful drug if used to excess.
Does she have a car? Does she drive? If so that's something that's worth thinking about and is something you may need to challenge. People who drink throughout the day on a regular basis are more likely to drive when over the limit simply because they forget they are.
What's the actual problem, I know you're going to say the fact that she drinks all the time, but in itself that is only really a problem for her liver.
Does she have a job? Ever leave the house? Is she really addicted to alcohol or is the drinking because she is miserable and has nothing else to do? The most important thing is that she gets out of the house and does something, even if it's just little things to begin with. Apart from anything else, exercise, fresh air and sunlight are pretty essential to healthy living.
Who does your shopping? Something as simple as going out to the supermarket and then going out for a coffee afterwards would be a good start. Adult education classes might be another place to look for something for her to do with her time.
While it will be very tempting to just try and get her to stop drinking, you're far more likely to succeed with that if you actually put that to one side and try and help her improve the rest of her life first.
I have tried so hard to suggest different things to get out out of the house and maybe take up a hobby but she says she doesn't like people, is not interested in leaning anything else. She doesn't drive, I do the shopping. She won't pay the prices to have a coffee out as she/we are on a very low income (even though she will always buy her wine for £2 a bottle!)
She walks the dog daily for an hour over the woods but that's about it.
But yes she is just drinking as shes miserable and has nothing else she wants to do. And also to stop herself having panic attacks. I have tried explainin that alcohol will only make the panic attacks worse but she is very stubborn.
I have been trying for years to get her interested in something else but I just fail
It's all very well getting her to admit that she has a drink problem, but I suspect that there is more to it than this. Try and get her to open up more. Even though it may be painful for you, try and get her to talk about your Dad and see where that goes, and if neccessary, try and get her to attend professional counselling, not straight away but possibly in the future. *hugs*
Just dealing with the alcohol as the cause of the issue will not ultimately help, she drinks to excess for reasons, its these that need addressing.
I have tried so many things, she had councilling once but says its a waste of time and she doesn't believe in "all that mumbo jumbo" she says! ( I disagree) so theres no chance of her seeing a counciller. I seem to be running out of options.
I'm not dismissing anyones advice byt the way, it just seems most things people have suggested, whilst good advice, i have tried already
but thanks x
Have you tried persuading her to come shopping with you? That way she can go somewhere, but not on her own. Another thing would be to go back to the doctor, if she's got social phobia then that needs addressing.
Another option if you've got the time would be to see if you can go out somewhere, the two of you for a longer time period. Maybe go on a long dog walk on a Saturday morning, or go out somewhere, that way you can reasonably expect no drinking before you go.
That all said, it's her house and it's her life and you have to let a grown woman chose how she wants to live her life to a certain extent.
Unfortunately she has a drink first thing in the morning so is never fully soba to my knowledge.
Thanks for the advice
You can call Drinkline, on 0800 917 82 82 (freephone) for initial advice. Remember, loads of families suffer from what you are going through now so Drinkline will have the experience and expertise to give you some support and direction. You have nothing to lose and potentially, much to gain.
She could well be a chemically addicted alcoholic, and fast withdrawl can be very serious.
I think small steps are the best option, try and involve her in things, and perk her interest - that way she will have less reason to drink.
Thank you I will definitely give them a call.
Just to say that if you don't feel you're quite ready to speak to someone on the telephone then our askTheSite service may be a useful place to try. It allows yout o ask an expert advisor about your situation and get a confidential personal response within 3 working days.
I think you should try the number suggested but you might find asking a question helps clarify things before calling.
Head over here to ask a question -
http://www.thesite.org/community/askthesite
Many thanks
This morning (before she walked the dog for an hour which she loves doing), I saw her swigging from a bottle of wine in her bedroom at 8.30am. So surely this cannot be boredom? Also she was going to go out this afternoon with a friend as the weather is lovely (her friend has decided not to)
I will call drinkline this week. Just plucking up the bottle to do it. Any more experiences or views?
Thank you.
You shouldn't need to pluck up the courage to do so, it's just a chat with someone who has some understanding of the situation and might have some suggestions.