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First one to have kids
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 24, will be 25 in February. I've worked in stable jobs since college, have had several long term boyfriends and have been with my blokey now for 18 months. He's 35, own house, good job, so we have a very sensible, grown up relationship, no silly games or anything.
My friends are split into three groups. 1, my age, all engaged or married; 2, my age, single or dating non-seriously; 3, married with kids and older than me.
I'm pregnant - hurrah! I've told group 3 and they are all ecstatic for me
But the ones from group 1 and 2 who know have just looked shocked and stunned and offered no immediate congratulations, just "OMG are you sure this is what you want?!" (clearly it was as I stopped taking the Pill months ago!).
I'm fed up of it alreday to be honest and now not all that fussed about telling the rest of them if this is the reaction I'm going to get!
Is this a usual reaction when the first in your friendship group announces they are expecting, or is it just my friends?
My friends are split into three groups. 1, my age, all engaged or married; 2, my age, single or dating non-seriously; 3, married with kids and older than me.
I'm pregnant - hurrah! I've told group 3 and they are all ecstatic for me
But the ones from group 1 and 2 who know have just looked shocked and stunned and offered no immediate congratulations, just "OMG are you sure this is what you want?!" (clearly it was as I stopped taking the Pill months ago!).I'm fed up of it alreday to be honest and now not all that fussed about telling the rest of them if this is the reaction I'm going to get!
Is this a usual reaction when the first in your friendship group announces they are expecting, or is it just my friends?
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I'm similar to you in that some of my friends are in long-term relationships, and some are single like me. One of the first group announced she was engaged to her long term boyfriend about a week ago, and I admit my first reaction was shock, and then joy. I guess it's just unexpected. Don't let their slow reactions get you down though. And finally, many congratulations!
It did cause problems when they eventually did find out, but to be honest...when you have a baby your priorities change and i stopped caring what people thought of me and i stopped caring about people who couldn't genuinely be happy for me.
Don't do anything thats going to stress you and the baby out, and if that means not telling them...let them find out on their own
And congrats on the pregnancy, when are you due?
I agree that it is probably just initial shock at first
Good luck.
I think some of them are so caught up in planning their own weddings or their first year of marriage that they don't realise marriage isn't important to some people, such as me, and therefore it's not an issue that we're not married and it's not going to delay me having kids.
Since I did GCSE Child Development, nine years ago, I've always known I want to be a younger mum (under 26), and I can't stand being the centre of attention so the idea of a whole day of the focus being on me (and hubby) fills me with dread so I have no desire to be married. A good enough will and getting all the documents in the right names should prevent any problems if things go horribly wrong one way or another!
I've had to pull out of a roughly-planned trip with some friends (from group one) and one of them replied to my txt with "You're not pregnant, are you?!". She did eventually follow it up with a congrats txt and I've since told another friend from the group (don't want her feeling left out when we're all as close to each other!) and she's replied with "Am really happy for you cos I know it's what you want" - hooray!
Amira, I'm due beginning of March
I was just saying from my experience, I've put my foot in it before
Now I'm a little bit older/getting into a 'baby' frame of mind, if the same thing happened I'd be much more honestly happy for them, because of the same reasons - I feel ready, so I'd project that onto them, and think they were ready, and it'd be ace.
I reckon this is what's happening with your mates. That's why the ones with kids are more comfortable with it. I'd try not to let it get to you, I think it's a pretty human thing to do.
P.S. Congrats!
If i ever have one i'm will certianly not expect anyone to lavish congratulations on me for something which is a matter between myself and my husband.
its not like you've passed an exam or something - or even gotten over a serious illness - its a bit like congratulating someone for just being biologically normal..........
ETA except for my mother who is weird and clearly wants grandchildren - i would expect her to be very excited - but wouldn't expect anyone else to even care
People don't congratulate you on your abilty to reproduce, it's more that when people have been trying to get pregnant and it finally happens for them it's a matter to be celebrated because it's finally happened for them and they've got what they wanted... After all some people try and find out they can't, and if one of my friends found out they couldn't after trying then I'd consolodate them for the same reason. You wouldn't be completly indifferent if they couldn't have kids and wanted them, would you?
Crystal tipps, congrats on your pregnancy. I can't really add to what the others have said really; I think it's probably right that it's just been reactions of shock from friends that aren't in the same frame of mind as you yet.
I think people just go by their own feelings on it quite often. Ive had people say congratulations when i wasnt happy about it and that felt weird too.
I wouldnt immediately say congratulations unless i knew someone was definitely pleased or ok about it.
I may say "so is it congratulations?" as a fairly inoffensive (i think) way of gaugeing the situation, then whatever the appropriate response is after that
Ultimately, the only persons whose opinions matter on this issue are yours and that of your long-term partner.
Exactly. A friend of mine has just had her first scan and told everyone (I knew before her scan). I have been passing the news onto people too and some people I tell go "awwww tell her congrats" whilst others say "my god what the hell did she go and do that for?". Complete reflections of that they think about having children. The childandbaby-friendly people (people I went to college with) think it's great whilst other friends who do the more party animal lifestyle see it as the end of the world to her.
I think when people tell me they are pregnant then it's usually pretty clear in their tone of voice of weither or not they are happy. I would usually say
"congratulations! That's if your happy about it!". It also makes them respond to how they actually feel about it! :thumb:
And what your friends think are important to you, course it does; their you're friends! But its just a reflection of how they would feel in your position.
But a big congrats anyway!
Don't be upset.
When I told people, most of mates were great, but thats cos I knew some of them from college, were I did child care! I was 19, so quite young.
One male friend asked me if Im keeping it:eek2: I think its due to shock, maybe a little bit of jealousy, if they want a baby?
Dont take no notice anyway, its the best thing ever!!!
I spoke to the friend whose reaction got me rilled the other night and actually she had a reason for not responding straight away and it was nothing to do with her being in shock. She's actually very happy for me and can't wait to hear all about it (she wants to know what you have scans and how big the baby is and all that) when she's back home next