If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Relationships and Parents
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
A few days ago, I went out with my girlfriend, her parents and my parents for a meal. First time I've ever been with someone and had the parents meet, so to speak.
I thought it went really well. Everyone was chatting, getting along etc. I get home with my girlfriend to find that she hated it, her mum was appalled at how my parents ignored her and her mum, she might as well have not even been there, that she deserved better, that I treat her like crap and that I had a week to sort it out otherwise she'd have to seriously consider our future.
I'm an honest person, and would rather hear this than her try to cover it up. When I mess up or make a mistake in a relationship, I always realize it, apologize, make amends and move on from it. I'm fairly aware of my actions and it's not often I miss something that's having a negative effect on my girlfriend. However, I had absolutely no idea that the evening had made her and her parents feel like this. My girlfriend was a bit quiet, but still chatty, and her parents were quite talkative and seemed to get on with my parents. Sometimes we don't realize what we do or don't do, so I figured I'd messed up here (although I'm still not sure how!), apologized and said I'd make more of an effort. I ignored her little dig at how rude my parents were. In recent weeks, I haven't been the best, given the stress I'm under at work and with a house purchase - but I've been honest about this and really made an effort to improve.
Next day we go to a friend's birthday, and my parents are also there, which my girlfriend knew about. It was a nice sit down meal with a disco in the evening at a hotel. My parents know my friend fairly well, and they were invited. Back home, my girlfriend went as far as to say that she had a great time at the end of the night, and that we really got on well.
Next thing (i.e. in the space of 5 minutes), she says that my parents ignored her, didn't introduce her to anyone (my parents not knowing anyone themselves, with me doing all the introducing to friends of my friend etc) and that my parents clearly thought she wasn't good enough for me. Best of all, my parents apparently push her around (not physically!) and she's had enough of all this shit. Yet for most of the evening, my parents left me and my girlfriend to it, and when we were all sat together, my parents were talking to her and she was talking to them!
I'm bound to be biased about my parents, and think they're pretty damn good parents. Yes, they can be a pain sometimes, but they are never rude towards anyone, and always honest. If my mum didn't approve of my girlfriend, she would have told me by now - in fact, both my parents have said how lucky I am to have found her and to be with her.
But as I just said, I'm bound to be biased. So when I ask anyone else about my parents, and some of my friends are brutally honest, they all say how sociable, chatty and nice my parents are. Sure, putting people on the spot won't always get honest answers - but clearly my parents aren't horrible ogres that my girlfriend seems to paint them as. My friend didn't have to invite my parents to this event - and my parents live 250 miles away.
Futhermore, when I see her talking to my parents, and when my friends see the same, my friends say that my girlfriend and my parents seem to get on really well.
I'm at a loss as to what my parents are supposedly doing that makes my girlfriend feel crap. I think my parents are really nice to her, and it's just her being too negative and down on herself (something I've noticed generally). There's only so much I can say or do to convince her that my parents like her, which everyone says they do! Okay, so my girlfriend's going out with me, and not my parents - so it's not the end of the world. But I'm starting to think whether this is some excuse or way of her getting out of the relationship. I'm also sick and tired of having to apologize to her when I think I've messed up, and my girlfriend has made me feel pretty bad about all of this. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm not such a bad person as she seems to make out, and that it's just her.
I'd appreciate your views on this.
Thanks.
I thought it went really well. Everyone was chatting, getting along etc. I get home with my girlfriend to find that she hated it, her mum was appalled at how my parents ignored her and her mum, she might as well have not even been there, that she deserved better, that I treat her like crap and that I had a week to sort it out otherwise she'd have to seriously consider our future.
I'm an honest person, and would rather hear this than her try to cover it up. When I mess up or make a mistake in a relationship, I always realize it, apologize, make amends and move on from it. I'm fairly aware of my actions and it's not often I miss something that's having a negative effect on my girlfriend. However, I had absolutely no idea that the evening had made her and her parents feel like this. My girlfriend was a bit quiet, but still chatty, and her parents were quite talkative and seemed to get on with my parents. Sometimes we don't realize what we do or don't do, so I figured I'd messed up here (although I'm still not sure how!), apologized and said I'd make more of an effort. I ignored her little dig at how rude my parents were. In recent weeks, I haven't been the best, given the stress I'm under at work and with a house purchase - but I've been honest about this and really made an effort to improve.
Next day we go to a friend's birthday, and my parents are also there, which my girlfriend knew about. It was a nice sit down meal with a disco in the evening at a hotel. My parents know my friend fairly well, and they were invited. Back home, my girlfriend went as far as to say that she had a great time at the end of the night, and that we really got on well.
Next thing (i.e. in the space of 5 minutes), she says that my parents ignored her, didn't introduce her to anyone (my parents not knowing anyone themselves, with me doing all the introducing to friends of my friend etc) and that my parents clearly thought she wasn't good enough for me. Best of all, my parents apparently push her around (not physically!) and she's had enough of all this shit. Yet for most of the evening, my parents left me and my girlfriend to it, and when we were all sat together, my parents were talking to her and she was talking to them!
I'm bound to be biased about my parents, and think they're pretty damn good parents. Yes, they can be a pain sometimes, but they are never rude towards anyone, and always honest. If my mum didn't approve of my girlfriend, she would have told me by now - in fact, both my parents have said how lucky I am to have found her and to be with her.
But as I just said, I'm bound to be biased. So when I ask anyone else about my parents, and some of my friends are brutally honest, they all say how sociable, chatty and nice my parents are. Sure, putting people on the spot won't always get honest answers - but clearly my parents aren't horrible ogres that my girlfriend seems to paint them as. My friend didn't have to invite my parents to this event - and my parents live 250 miles away.
Futhermore, when I see her talking to my parents, and when my friends see the same, my friends say that my girlfriend and my parents seem to get on really well.
I'm at a loss as to what my parents are supposedly doing that makes my girlfriend feel crap. I think my parents are really nice to her, and it's just her being too negative and down on herself (something I've noticed generally). There's only so much I can say or do to convince her that my parents like her, which everyone says they do! Okay, so my girlfriend's going out with me, and not my parents - so it's not the end of the world. But I'm starting to think whether this is some excuse or way of her getting out of the relationship. I'm also sick and tired of having to apologize to her when I think I've messed up, and my girlfriend has made me feel pretty bad about all of this. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm not such a bad person as she seems to make out, and that it's just her.
I'd appreciate your views on this.
Thanks.
0
Comments
You know, there's a time when you need to turn round and be straight, stand your ground and say "why?". Say to her "ok i'll give you the benefit o the doubt, tell me what happened that made you feel so bad? I want you to tell me about an exact situation". Make her explain herself.
To be honest though, this is what i'd do. I tell her that "i don't want to talk about this anymore, don't even mention it to me. i think you need to go and have some time by yourself until you realise exaclty what you're doing. if you're going to drive a wedge between us and my parents you better thing hard and fast about the consequences."
She sounds like a brat to be honest - no disrespect. Stand up for yourself.
She has explained herself, and I can't see the problem. I've illustrated this already - she's said when she feels my parents don't like her, and I've given my take on it.
I see your point - given that I cannot see where the problem is i.e. I think my parents treat her well, I want an end to this issue. However, I don't want to go as far as saying that I come as part of a package and that she must like my parents. Not everyone gets on, but I just think she's being particularly sensitive about the situation and slightly unfair.
I wouldn't say that myself, but thanks.
My parents get on well with my girlfriend, and got on well with her parents when we all first met.
My parents have met my girlfriend before, and this whole thing about my parents not liking her was never an issue - yet this time it is.
I've met my girlfriend's parents before, and got on with them.
My parents have not met my girlfriend's parents before, but seemed to get on well with them.
It shouldn't have any bearing on our relationship, but when it's a constant tirade over the last couple of days, and there really is nothing bad happening, it starts to get annoying. But I'm just having a check to see if that's just me being silly about it.
It's possible her parents have put her under pressure because they don't seem to like my parents - I was told that they were appalled by my parents because my parents ignored them (although they were all talking to one another all night!).
I'm just at a loss tbh, but thanks for your input.
From what I read, this part is what I find most intimidating. Looks like she's "teaming" up with her mum to make you the scapegoat/put it all on you.
I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't accept this. I've had similiar experiences with one of my exes, and the only thing I regret is that I didn't deal with the situation properly. IMO that is telling your girlfriend that you accept her feelings about it but that she's wrong about your parents. They already told you they like her anyway, so you've got nothing to prove.
Also making threats like considering the future of your relationship is basically making you suffer for your parents "inappropriate behaviour". Even if your parents really did behave inappropriately, you shouldn't be held responsible for that.
Thanks - I think you've helped me in trying to figure out what I don't like about the whole situation. I think that is the feeling - I've done wrong in the past, due to stress, and I've improved. But this bolt out of the blue - and I think the strong way it was worded - has made me sit back and think a bit. Normally I'd just pass it over and forget about it, and things would get on fine between us. But this one's sticking a bit...
Thanks again
So tell her that. "you're in a relationship with me, you don't have to like them. I just don't want this to become an issue, because if it does, i can see this being a big problem for us." I don't believe the problem is actually your parents and i don't think you do too but to stay on the side of good, give her the benefit of the doubt and tell her that whatever problem she has with your parents, she's going to have to deal with it because as far as you can see, they have done nothing wrong.
But she's putting unwarranted pressure on you and you're not standing up for yourself, your parents sound lovely, why do they deserve to be talked about like this? why are you being pressured? You mgiht love her but sometimes people need to be told when they are wrong or being unfair. You remind me of me and i'm easily convinced and always give the benefit of the doubt.
Your parents raised you, they treat her well, you have tried to be fairer than fair and she is obviously taking the piss. It seems to me you're more concerned about upsetting her than the way she is talking about your parents.
That's more than unfair for her to do. how can you even look at it as if you're being silly? arent you going to defend your parents?
Are you afraid to turn round and tell her she is wrong?
I've been in similar situations in some senses where the girl has been saying things that aren't true or are just down to her own warped perspective and there is just no way you can deal with that. Just the same for example you can't tell someone with body image issues that they do look beautiful, they just won't believe you because they paint their own reality and ignore everyone else.
I guess we all do it, sometimes I convince myself people don't like me when really they probably do, but your girlfriend seems to be being very inappropriate about it i.e. picking on your parents. If she wants to reconsider her future with you that's her issue again, because none of this is anything you can tangibly act on.
Or maybe she is just on her period!
I've spoken to her, and said that it's just her take on it, and that it was pretty offensive, given some of the things she'd actually said.
She seems to have realised that she's overstepped the mark on this one, and is trying to make amends. I do always give people the benefit of the doubt, and whilst it hurts, honesty is better than people hiding stuff, only for it to get worse later on.
Still, we'll see how it goes. Thanks again.
ETA: didn't read final post! My advice is if she does similar stuff in future and it strikes your intution as being unreasonable, then it probably is, and all you need to do is tell her that up front.