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Starting a relationship, unsure, advice needed!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
New to this forum, thought I'd give this a try. I'm 20 years old and I'm from greater London. This is a very personal, yet most likely a very common problem that comes between people. I met a girl a couple of months ago (I actually met her once, 1 year previously) beautiful, funny, intelligent, absolutely lovely.
We've been 'seeing' each other basically since we started meeting up properly. It's got to the point now where I'd love to start a relationship, but there's one issue that's stopping me. Firstly, I'm 20 and she's 16 nearly 17, now this isn't the issue, as she is far more worldly than most people her age, but this does make my main issue even worse.
She's slept with a fair few people, and she went through and incredibly whorish phase of her life (when I first met her a year ago at a party, I slept with her) and she's a very sexual person.
I don't know why it bothers me so much, as I've done many more things of this nature than she has. I think it's possibly a natural male dominance issue, where a man plays the more dominant role, and yet when you're with someone who's slept with a lot of people for their age, it's somewhat emasculating, thinking they've been intimate with lots of men. Makes it all less special?
I'd love to have a philosophy like "her past is her past, and her future is her future, and all you should be concerned about is the time you spend together, and how things work between you", as I know that's how I should be thinking as a logical person, but the fact a lot of people from her past would consider her somewhat of a whore, despite her having changed drastically now, I still can't seem to get over it.
Apologies is this is a rather forward post, but I wouldn't mind some advice, as I really like her.
We've been 'seeing' each other basically since we started meeting up properly. It's got to the point now where I'd love to start a relationship, but there's one issue that's stopping me. Firstly, I'm 20 and she's 16 nearly 17, now this isn't the issue, as she is far more worldly than most people her age, but this does make my main issue even worse.
She's slept with a fair few people, and she went through and incredibly whorish phase of her life (when I first met her a year ago at a party, I slept with her) and she's a very sexual person.
I don't know why it bothers me so much, as I've done many more things of this nature than she has. I think it's possibly a natural male dominance issue, where a man plays the more dominant role, and yet when you're with someone who's slept with a lot of people for their age, it's somewhat emasculating, thinking they've been intimate with lots of men. Makes it all less special?
I'd love to have a philosophy like "her past is her past, and her future is her future, and all you should be concerned about is the time you spend together, and how things work between you", as I know that's how I should be thinking as a logical person, but the fact a lot of people from her past would consider her somewhat of a whore, despite her having changed drastically now, I still can't seem to get over it.
Apologies is this is a rather forward post, but I wouldn't mind some advice, as I really like her.
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Comments
I find it quite strange that you were happy to sleep with her a year ago, but consider that time in her life to be whorish. Surely by your own admission as you are as sexually experienced and active there shouldn't be any issues.
I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman being sexually active as long as precautions are taken, after all why should she not have fun while Mr Right turns up ? Surely it means she is more sexually confident, knows what turns her on and is happy to be intimate with you.
You need to decide if you can get over it or not very quickly otherwise it's very unfair to her to lead her on.
I've had this chat to her before just to see if she did looked at her past as some what of a build up of mistakes and that she wasn't proud of it, though it is all a learning curve to gain self-worth, and more often than not a phase, she agrees that it came down to feeling ugly compared to her siblings and friends, then as she grew up, without realising how beautiful she had become, was still in the mindset of how she thought she looked when she felt inadequate.
I know it's best to be open about it, and knowing that she knows full well why she did what she did makes me more confidant that she's changed. I know it's best to be sensitive when on these subjects, and I appreciate your advice!
I think I need to just concentrate on the potential of the relationship, and focus on the likelihood that it has the potential to bring more good vibes than her past currently brings to me now.