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i think my mum's having an affair
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
...so the title says it all.
i don't think it's a passionate, omg leave your family affair, i think it's the type where it goes on for years and years and nobody knows.
basically, i found about it when i was about 11, i think i found a letter, can't really remember, but i got really upset, and my mum told me it was nothing. but then basically ever since, i've been a little detective about the matter, not that it's taken over my life, but every now and then something comes to my attention.
i just walked into the study, and yet again, my mum is at her desk with the door shut, then when i walk in she quickly closes a webpage and thinks i don't notice. except because she's watching bbci, i can see yahoo!mail behind it, with an address that i've seen plenty of times before, although this time i can sneak a look at the screen and see part of a long email and the word 'darling'.i feel betrayed, upset, confused and angry. i know it's not from my dad, i suspect it's from this man that both my parents are close to (and his wife) and from whom i've found a few suss letters and various cards. i went through her filofax the other day and found two passport photos of him, and some little notes he had written, which i know my mum could easy pass off as being 'friendly' and then talk down to me as if i could never understand these relationships that adults have! this man has been close to my mum before, he used to come round when we were little and they would talk in the study, because she used to kind of work for him, and i would get angry as they said goodbye at the door and hug and i'd try to make sure my little sister and brother didn't know what was happening. then i'd ignore my mum.
ARGH i do not know what to do. my dad is the loveliest man ever, and my mum still loves him, but why all the mystery emails?
goddammit!
i'm sorry for the rant, i feel like it's all on my shoulders and grr
i don't think it's a passionate, omg leave your family affair, i think it's the type where it goes on for years and years and nobody knows.
basically, i found about it when i was about 11, i think i found a letter, can't really remember, but i got really upset, and my mum told me it was nothing. but then basically ever since, i've been a little detective about the matter, not that it's taken over my life, but every now and then something comes to my attention.
i just walked into the study, and yet again, my mum is at her desk with the door shut, then when i walk in she quickly closes a webpage and thinks i don't notice. except because she's watching bbci, i can see yahoo!mail behind it, with an address that i've seen plenty of times before, although this time i can sneak a look at the screen and see part of a long email and the word 'darling'.i feel betrayed, upset, confused and angry. i know it's not from my dad, i suspect it's from this man that both my parents are close to (and his wife) and from whom i've found a few suss letters and various cards. i went through her filofax the other day and found two passport photos of him, and some little notes he had written, which i know my mum could easy pass off as being 'friendly' and then talk down to me as if i could never understand these relationships that adults have! this man has been close to my mum before, he used to come round when we were little and they would talk in the study, because she used to kind of work for him, and i would get angry as they said goodbye at the door and hug and i'd try to make sure my little sister and brother didn't know what was happening. then i'd ignore my mum.
ARGH i do not know what to do. my dad is the loveliest man ever, and my mum still loves him, but why all the mystery emails?
goddammit!
i'm sorry for the rant, i feel like it's all on my shoulders and grr
0
Comments
But it sounds like you have a lot of evidence! It's a shame people that have affairs make it so blatant, especially as it has really upset you, for years. It's not fair for you to bear the weight of it on your shoulders. You probably don't want to tell your dad/thinks he knows anyway. Don't spose it's possible he doesn't mind/they have an agreement? I know this wouldn't make it any better.
I don't know what to suggest but you have my sympathy. Surely this has to come to the surface at some point! It's really between your parents but because it's effecting you, you should talk to her about it again. Tell her what you know. There's still a chance it's innocent.
to have someone close to confide in.
Very often, affairs can be a misguided cry for help with unhappiness in ones life.
She may have feelings that the world is passng her by, that she is getting older and has not really achieved anything on a personal level, that she has let opportunities slip, that an affair makes her feel 'young again', perhaps she is in contact with an old boyfriend from school and the communication again after all this time, is bringing back memories of a more 'innocent' world.
Everyone makes mistakes and perhaps she is making one now. But if you talk to her, she should be able to talk ouit her own feelings and hopefully realise that she has everything now in her life to make her content.
It sounds like you're having a really tough time at the moment. You must be feeling really worried and confused. Especially if you feel you're having to keep things from your Dad and your brother and sister.
As Lil lal mentioned, there is a chance that the situation is entirely innocent. But even if it's not - and you seem pretty sure it isn't - there may be a reasonable explanation...even if it's not one that you particularly want to hear.
Whatever the situation, I'm sure your Mum would hate to know she's hurting you as she is. I agree with the others - you should try and talk to her about things if you can. If you get her perspective on things, and find out what is really going on (rather than having to guess), you might be able to cope with things a little better yourself and provide some support to your Mum if she needs it too.
Apart from being there for both your parents, there is little you can really do in situations like this. You shouldn't feel in any way responsible for what may or may not have happened in your parents relationship. However horrible they are, these things do happen.
You might feel better if you can chat through your problems with someone in more detail. You can call Youth Access in confidence on 020 8772 9900 and they will be able to put you in touch with a local counselling service. Or you could speak to someone your own age at Youth2Youth, a service run by young people, for young people on 020 8896 3675 or by email.
I really hope things improve for you soon.
Take care,
S x